There is a light, & it never goes out.

- But it's just the price I pay, destiny is calling me, open up my eager eyes, 'cause I'm Mr.Brightside.
Okay so I haven't posted anything on here for what feels like a really long time, I did have a few draft blogs but I deleted those as things are just constantly changing and things stop ebing relevant anymore. I've had the odd panic attack or two, I did tell my parents about one, because it happened when I was out, and again when I got home. Other than that they haven't mentioned it. And it seems to be happening less. But I'll just ignore it. I can handle myself.
So it's funny how doing the smallest thing can completely change your mood. That's what lead me to writing this. I pressed the refresh button on Facebook, and now I'm like, FUCK?! It was one of those moments, when you know in your head that there's no reason why you should care anymore, that there's nothing you can do. But then there's the sinking feeling in your stomach and the leap in your heart that tells you differently. It's the latter of those that I can't deny. No one else would think anything of it, apart from those who knew me, and would know what I would think about it. But again, it really is so stupid how I'm making such a big deal about this? I haven't even addressed to you all what it is yet. Okay, a girl who I know is a slag, is basically getting in there with a guy I like. Liked. Like. Liked. Past tense. But yes, I do realise how pathetic this is. But we can't help how we feel? Me and him don't talk anymore, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. But life must go on. If anything did happen between them, it wouldn't last. Nothing lasts forever. Sorted.
Sometimes I look at myself, and I wonder what the hell happened to me. I'm not the person I want to be, I'm not the person I was before, I'm not proud of half of the things that I have done. I'm caught in the middle. My goals are all so far away I won't start making progress any time soon. I have a handfull of friends in school, same outside of school. But I don't know who I trust. I hear myself talking sometimes, and I just thinkg 'why the hell am I saying this?'. I'm not proud of who I am. Every day I wish that there was some way which I could change everything inside-out and make evertything alright again. I hate the amount of determination that I have. It's like the feeling of sinking. You get dragged down, but you keep struggling upwards, getting nowhere, loosing energy and just making a whole lot of mess to be frank.
I realised the other day - when I got my results of my Ethics exam back and found I had failed - well I sat and had a little talk between me, my head and my heart. *I just had another revalation* Just because I write neatly in my book, feel organised and write out revision cards doesn't mean that anything's actually going in my head. Just because I set everything out neatly in a powerpoint doesn't get me a better grade. Just because I'm a perfectionist doesn't make me perfect. I don't know what I'm supposed to do really, I was so dissapointed with my result, because I know how hard I had tried and I genually thought I had done better. But I just have to pick myself up and learn from it. This time I think I have to do it on my own, although I haven't, I've had friends like Elliott telling me not to give up. I just feel I need to try and get through things on my own now.
As for my other revaltation. I don't quite know how to word it. But I don't know how to let anyone in anymore. I'm so scared of anything that has 'commitment' written over it, because I know how feelings change. I don't want to have any responcibilty for people's feelings, the last thing I want to do it to hurt anyone, but I'm so afraid of being alone. Where does this leave me? I only know where it has found me. I suppose looking outside-in I would be leading these three guys on, when I know full well that I have no intention of having a relationship now, or ever with any of them. But I keep them around so I'm not on my own, so that I feel wanted. The one guy that I truely want is out of my reach, he's with me, but just not physically, and my heart belongs to him. It always will and no one can really seem to understand that. That is my only commitment and I intend to keep to it. I get along with people fine, but I don't trust them. I don't trust anyone with my feelings. That is why I don't get close to anyone. I don't know how to anymore. Every guy that there has ever been has just ended in pain. All for various reasons. Darryl was different, he was perfect, the pain wasn't caused through any fault of his own like the others. Apart from making me fall in love with him.

But what do I do?

Darryl,
I wish I could remember the person that I was when I had you. I was clearly doing something right when I had you around. Now everything's just falling to pieces and I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. In the end, I think it's come down to how I don't care anymore. About anything. Everything goes over my head, I rarely feel anything. When I do feel anything, nowadays it's my heart leaping about like a rabit for some reason or another, usually for a bad reason. I just don't know.
He won't touch you, you know he won't. You know what I mean.
At 30STM, during Was It A Dream I turned to my left, and there was a kid the spitting image of you. I even did that double-take thing that people do. I stared at him for what felt like hours, but I hope it wasn't that long. But it was like I could just fool myself for a while that I was with you. That you had never left, that nothing had changed at all from the night I spent with you, and we were perfectly happy. I think it was you telling me that you were there with us, if only in spirit. Thank you for that. 
I know I'm not making you proud at all right now Darry' but I promise you, I'll turn everything around. I'll make it though, I'll do it all for you. I want you to be proud of me. I love you. I miss you. I wish I could be everything that you are, have the impact on people that you do, still do. I just wish more than ever right now that I could have you back here with me, if only for a while. I wouldn't think about having to let go, just being with you there and then would be good enough.
It disturbs me that when I think about last night, and I remember how hard it was to leave. I can't help but think, 'what if I didn't?' because, maybe if I didn't leave, maybe it wouldn't have happened, or turned out the way it did. 
Why is this so hard?
I love you sunshine. Always.