I've had an epiffany...

In the past 18 days, I've changed so much, and I've learnt so much about myself and others, which I never knew was possible. Firsty, I've deffinantly learnt who my true friends are, and how they are beautifully rare, and special. In ways it breaks me that they aren't who I always thought they would be, far from it infact. When I think back to the begining of the year, I was sure that I could count on a deffinant hand full or friends to be there for me for years to come, through thick and thin and the inbetween. But that all fell through and turned out to be somewhat, a lie. You'd think that after 5 years of friendship, that it would be strong enough to withstand the troubles of guys, exams and taking different paths once leaving school. But I'll tell you now, it's certainly not. I suppose that, that goes to show how you can spend all of your time with one person for an amount of years, and yet not know them at all. It's all part of life I suppose, you learn that you can trust no one, and know no one truely apart from yourself.

But in these weeks, my true friends have shined through everything. It's been shown, in my personal life, and also in the news that tragedy brings people closer together. Once Darryl passed away I was so convinced that I had nothing left on this Earth to live for, nothing that could compare to him. But going into school and opening my eyes to everything surrounding me made me realise how life does go on for everyone else, and so it must do for you. Going into school was quite possibly the best thing for me. Surrounding myself with friends who didn't persist me with questions like 'are you okay?' when it was clear to anyone who knew me that I wasn't. People who were happy for me to sometimes walk along in silence, then randomly speak of how he once compared me to the rain, and that is why I smile so, because it reminds me of him. Those who didn't think I was insane when I said that I felt like he was just hinding from me, on the roof of the building, following me to make sure I was safe. Like a guardian angel of sorts. And those who didn't make a fuss when I started to cry.

I've realised how I have to do what ever it takes to make myself and those around me as happy as I possibly can. I'm trying to be a good friend to those who have done so for me. I'm living in the moment. This would lead to my going up to South Hampton after Christmas, to stay in my friends uni accomidation and get a tattoo in honour of Darryl. The thing is, I really couldn't care less about what my parents will say or do if they happen to see it. I know I won't be able to hide it forever. But I know that if I don't do this, then I will regret it for the rest of my life. It's not the kind of tattoo that I will regret, it's part of who I am, and the best way that I can honour someone as important to me as Darryl. After all, he's proof that life's too short, and that we could all die tomorrow for all we know. I suppoise thos is what we can call living for today. Remembering my past and learning from it, living in my present, and aiming for my future.

I can't wait to go to South Hampton. In all honesty, I'm more excited about getting away for a few days than I am about Christmas. I'm getting stressed with the prospect of the same thing day in day out. My day, every day; Wake up, look at photos of Darryl, get ready for school, walk to the end of my road and get picked up (remember Darryl) go to school, see Amy, James and Chris, lessons, see Amy, James and Chris, walk home (think about Darryl), get home, argue with parents, dinner, facebook (think about Darryl), homework, film (think about Darryl), shower, bed (think about Darryl) dream about Darryl. Going to South Hampton will just give me that chance to get away from everything, being reminded of all the memories that I have of Darryl, but also I'll be surrounded by people who knew him, so I'll be able to talk about it a lot better. Also I'll be away from my family, those complete pricks I used to call my best friends, away from my room. I'm sure it will be amazing. It's just what I need. I can only hope that my parents will be alright with it. I don't see why not, but I'm not exactly known for the most laid back of parents.
I used to be scared, but now I just want to see the world. I was to go to London, to go site seeing, to go to Camden, to try and figure out the tube system. I want to drink every weekend, and take too many drunk photos of me and my friends. I want to stay up on the phone to my best friend just laughing my head off at her. I want to think about Darryl, and manage to be happy, and stop this hole in my chest from threatening to swallow me whole. I want to go on holiday, with out my parents. I want to move out. I want to learn from my own mistakes, not from what I've seen or heard from others. I want to go to gigs with thousands of people. I want to stop being paranoid about people talking about me. About what people think about me.

All in all, it's time for a change. It's starting now.

Peace.

Cold Water.

I don't exactly know what to write on here about you. People locally will have heard by now, because your on the front of the paper. This is so surreal. I'm, like many others, are convinced that I'll just wake up any minute now, that this is just some fucked up nightmare. I miss you. I feel like I took your last hours from you. I hope they weren't wasted on me. We could have gone far me and you. It's like it was destiny. You were perfect. But I guess it was a time bomb waiting to go off, I guess I'll never know why it had to be when it was. Why you had to be taken from me so soon, just as I'd found you I'd lost you. Your family are being immensely strong, it just amazes me. I felt terrible for crying like I did in front of them. But I understand, that they have to be strong for you, eachother, your brothers, the rest of your family, your friends. I just have to be strong for you. I'm not bothered about being strong for any one else. They can't understand this pain, so why do they pretend? I think your watching me in all honesty. My common sense in ways, refuses to let me believe it, how can you believe in a heaven without a God? But no one can truely know. Only you know where you are, all we can do is hope that it's a better place than this shit hole that you left us in. My heart breaks for you. You didn't deserve to have your life taken from you when you were so long, and when we had so much left to do. All your ex's, I hate them. I envy them so much. Because they had this time with you, which was stolen from me, they were close with you in a way, that I didn't want to rush into, because I thought I had the rest of forever with you. But I keep playing the last night over and over, and I play it differently. I pretend that it didn't go the way it did. Not saying that it wasn't perfect, because it was. You've made me the happiest I've been in such a long time. I just pretend that we had made that night last forever, that we had more time, no limits. I wish I'd told you how I felt. Because now I know that I was falling in love with you. I hope you don't mind me saying you were my boyfriend, because I know you weren't. I'm not insane, yet, but it just makes it easier to explain to people why I feel the way I do. That way they might just have a glimpse of understanding.
But I think you were in the rain yesterday, and the day before. I think that was you. It felt like you. I hope you saw the way that I smiled. And I think you were there the night I thought about drowining myself. I know you'll think that I'm being stupid for being so upset about this, but you were always modest, and never really saw how truely amazing you are. But I'm only living my life for you. If i had the guts, I would take my life in the vain hope that I could be with you again. But I won't, because I have friends, who I never realised I had. And I have a good family, somtimes. And I have memorys, and the fact that you would want me to be happy. So, my life now, is for you. A search for happiness in a world without you. I have to do it. It may be inpossible, but like you, once I get started on something, no one can stop me. But never forget I'm doing it for you. I have to leave a good life behind just so I can find you wherever you are when my time comes.
You've inspired me to be a better person, I have to leave behind some kind of impact when I go, just like you did on me. The world is empty without you. Things need to be accepted for what they are, as well as what they could be.
I hope your at peace baby.
I love you.
Darryl Thomas Ian Bell. 18.12.90-8.11.09 (L).
I'll carry you with me for forever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaAnuDQv2SI