I always get this overwhelming feeling every now and then that I need to change something. Or that something needs to change. There's a difference between those I suppose.But right now I just have the feeling that I need to reinvent myself. Everything needs to become bigger, brighter, louder. I need to be braver. I need to stop caring what people think about what I do, how I work, the people that I talk to, what I wear. That'll be the hardest part. I don't even know what's happened to me for this to become such a big problem. This huge paranoia has just swamped me and I want to please everyone.
There's no use in that. *Kant would disagree, see he believed that there was a Summum Bonnum, which is where you can be happy and do the right thing. (it's impossible) he thought that humans were rational and wouldn't aim for something which they couldn't achieve. So God made the Summum Bonnum acheivable in a place we know a Heaven.* - Bit of Philosophy revesion there, Moral Argument ;)
But really, there's no use in me trying to conform to please everyone, there will always be someone along the line who doesn't like how I am. I know what I want to be like. I just need to make a list of how to get there.
That brings me to another point, I think I'm mildly OCD. None of my food can touch. It has to be eaten in sections. Don't start another type of food until you've finished the first. And everything has to be straight. Nothing at all can be wonky. Really, nothing. It's stupid, but I've beomce such an perfectionist beacause of it.
Exams in about 3/2 weeks. Fuck.I'm 17 in 28 days. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm my mind I feel no different than I did when I was 12, but I know that I'm a completely different person now to the person I was all those years ago. Things have changed me, people have changed me, and in ways I'm grateful. If I hadn't been through half the shit I have, I know that I wouldn't be as strong as I am now.
Okay, now I need to say some things to a few people.
01.I hate how distressed you get. I know that it's not your fault, that it's your illnesses, and it's all happened to you way too young. But I love you, and I will never ever leave you. I just want you to be well again.
02.I hope you're having a good day. & I'm stubborn so I won't talk you you first. I'm sorry for how I was on Friday, but I can't explain it. It just annoys me how you think we can just forget everything, it doesn't work like that. But incase you hadn't realised, and I doubt that you have, but I'm distancing myself from you. On Friday, I saw how better you are without me. You looked a lot happier, and I'm not willing to take that from you anymore. You'll be better now.
03.You're supposed to be my best friend. I hate the way you fucking never seem to able to talk to me about my problems? I spend all day fucking telling you your girlfriend loves you, that she wouldn't do this or that, telling you that you need to stay here, that there's no use in giving up. You just tell me not to go out so much and that you dont know about '___ or ___ 'so you can't say much there? You're my best friend, and you don't even know what the fuck's going on in my life? I know everything about yours, yet you know nothing about mine. You're never there for me when I need you.
04.I'm sorry for how I've been recently. It's just been a dark place. Forgive me. ♥
05.I don't understand you, not one little bit. But it's you who's triggered this need for change within me. She was so pretty, it actually hurt. She's made me hate myself just that little bit more, and yeah everyone said to me she's fake but I don't care because you don't care. It annoys me, the way which you pretend to care when I seemed down, that meant a lot to me. But then next day, you barely talk to me? Did you just talk to me to try and make her jealous? Judging by the looks of her next to mine, it's highly unlikely. But really, please sort it out.
Exams in about 3/2 weeks. Fuck.I'm 17 in 28 days. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm my mind I feel no different than I did when I was 12, but I know that I'm a completely different person now to the person I was all those years ago. Things have changed me, people have changed me, and in ways I'm grateful. If I hadn't been through half the shit I have, I know that I wouldn't be as strong as I am now.
Okay, now I need to say some things to a few people.
01.I hate how distressed you get. I know that it's not your fault, that it's your illnesses, and it's all happened to you way too young. But I love you, and I will never ever leave you. I just want you to be well again.
02.I hope you're having a good day. & I'm stubborn so I won't talk you you first. I'm sorry for how I was on Friday, but I can't explain it. It just annoys me how you think we can just forget everything, it doesn't work like that. But incase you hadn't realised, and I doubt that you have, but I'm distancing myself from you. On Friday, I saw how better you are without me. You looked a lot happier, and I'm not willing to take that from you anymore. You'll be better now.
03.You're supposed to be my best friend. I hate the way you fucking never seem to able to talk to me about my problems? I spend all day fucking telling you your girlfriend loves you, that she wouldn't do this or that, telling you that you need to stay here, that there's no use in giving up. You just tell me not to go out so much and that you dont know about '___ or ___ 'so you can't say much there? You're my best friend, and you don't even know what the fuck's going on in my life? I know everything about yours, yet you know nothing about mine. You're never there for me when I need you.
04.I'm sorry for how I've been recently. It's just been a dark place. Forgive me. ♥
05.I don't understand you, not one little bit. But it's you who's triggered this need for change within me. She was so pretty, it actually hurt. She's made me hate myself just that little bit more, and yeah everyone said to me she's fake but I don't care because you don't care. It annoys me, the way which you pretend to care when I seemed down, that meant a lot to me. But then next day, you barely talk to me? Did you just talk to me to try and make her jealous? Judging by the looks of her next to mine, it's highly unlikely. But really, please sort it out.
06.Get well please? I know you've never been completely well, and I hadn't been to see you in a long time, but I promise, as soon as you get better I'll come round every single day. I can make you coffee and we can talk about when you were a kid, and compare it with when I was a kid. God can't take you away from me as well, I'm on the verge of having nothing less. I love you nana ♥
07.I know I wasn't as close with him as any of you were, but it means so much to me that you've all well.. accepted me? I would honestly be so lost without you all. I wouldn't be here, I would have gone straight after him if I hadn't spoken to you all. Just thank you so much.
08.Thank you for being my family.
Darryl,
it's been six months now. I don't know how I feel about that. It feels so long since I last saw you, I miss you more than words could describe. If you were here I wouldn't been in this mess, I'd be with you and we'd be happy, or so I'd like to think. But then I can remember seeing you like it was just yesterday. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking it was. I know you were with me Friday and Saturday, it rained. I'm sorry that you've had to see me in such a state recently, and I promise you that I'm trying to sort myself out. I'ts just hard trying to find the right place to start. Also I'm going to appoligise in advance, but my red hair's going again. ♥ purple is the way forward. I told my friend Eden about you. It was nice to talk about you, because I don't get to do it often, the people I surround myself aren't comfortable with talking about it, and for their sake I keep my mouth shut. It's so nice when I see your friends. I think I'm able to call them our friends now? But it's so nice when I see them, I love hearing all their storys about you. It's nice to talk about you with people who knew you. Know you.
Thank you for helping out Mitch with him exams, he only wants to make you proud, just like I do. We all do.
07.I know I wasn't as close with him as any of you were, but it means so much to me that you've all well.. accepted me? I would honestly be so lost without you all. I wouldn't be here, I would have gone straight after him if I hadn't spoken to you all. Just thank you so much.
08.Thank you for being my family.
Darryl,
it's been six months now. I don't know how I feel about that. It feels so long since I last saw you, I miss you more than words could describe. If you were here I wouldn't been in this mess, I'd be with you and we'd be happy, or so I'd like to think. But then I can remember seeing you like it was just yesterday. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking it was. I know you were with me Friday and Saturday, it rained. I'm sorry that you've had to see me in such a state recently, and I promise you that I'm trying to sort myself out. I'ts just hard trying to find the right place to start. Also I'm going to appoligise in advance, but my red hair's going again. ♥ purple is the way forward. I told my friend Eden about you. It was nice to talk about you, because I don't get to do it often, the people I surround myself aren't comfortable with talking about it, and for their sake I keep my mouth shut. It's so nice when I see your friends. I think I'm able to call them our friends now? But it's so nice when I see them, I love hearing all their storys about you. It's nice to talk about you with people who knew you. Know you.
Thank you for helping out Mitch with him exams, he only wants to make you proud, just like I do. We all do.
GAH I need to go do my work. I love you sunshine, always. Nothing will ever change that, no matter what I do or whatever happens, I will always love you. Always.
