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28|21
You are so beautiful, you are the kind of girl that has the chemicals, that make me fall in love.

What exactly is it that defines everything? Defines how beautiful someone is. Defines who's worthy of our affection and who isn't. Defines what's laughable, what's good enough to dance to, and what isn't. I pretty much had a monumental day yesterday, for a number of reasons.
Well, firstly im now single. And that's made me happier than most. I have no idea why I was so worried about hurting him, because he even told me that he didn't care anymore, so it couldn't have been made any clearer. But now the freedom that's tidalwaved over me is such an unbelievable relief. The thing that I find funny is that people are worrying about me. But they don't understand that I was never cut out for a relationship after Darryl anyway. It just doesn't feel right. It felt like some uncomfortable lump of guilt in my chest and this weight on my shoulders. It's almost been lifted. But I know it'll always be there, it'll just change and hurt in different ways throughout my life. It's the kind of pain that never leaves you.

30|12
I pretty much had a terrible day today. The worst I've had since the day he left and the few days following. And I guess it's been so bad for the most pathetic of reasons. I wanted a webbing piercing (basically the funny part under your tounge) but Andy Jay refused to pierce mine. In reality I'd love facial piercings but my parents would kill me to put it bluntly. So I left the shop the same as i'd entered it. Oh the dissapointment was unreal. BUT if i promise myself anything for next year it's this: 'another piercing. Doesn't matter what, doesn't matter why. Just another piercing' I swear they're addictive. And then there was you. I don't understand you one tiny bit! You know what, I just hope you have fun on newyears. Hope she's worth it really. But it's not as if you'd care about me being upset or off with you or anything like that right now, because you're hardly fucking talking to me. And in all honesty I have no fucking idea why? It's insane that wherever the hell I go there's something of you there. The whole day I was convinced I might just bump into you. And yeah I really wasn't in the possition for that to happen, rain & hair does not mix well when it's Rachel(hyphon)Katy. But part of me really wanted to see you. I guess it's just because you've taught me to ignore what people think, not let all the tiny things let me down. But I just can't seem to apply that thinking to you. I suppose that's the problem. You understood how I feltabout Darryl sometimes, becausse you felt it true. Like when you miss someone so much you feel sick to the pit of your stomach. I miss it when you used to worry about how I was, how i felt, because right now I honestly feel like you couldn't give a damn. And what hurts most is how much I wish you would. I hate how this seems to always happen to me. I meet people, and then they change. It's happened to me so much this year and I'm just sick of it. Why do things change? People don't actually seem to realise that everything they do effects the people around them. For example, you're off with me, i get in a bad mood, my friends worry about me and my parents worry about me. Just because of you acting that way with me for whatever unknown reason, a whole load more people are effected than you first thought. People don't think like that, and maybe they shouldn't. Maybe it's just too complicated for the human race to actually think about the consequences of their actions. Maybe that would just make life too easy.
God i'l admit i'm so much happier being single. But i'd be a whole lot happier if i knew exactly what i'd done wrong for you to suddenly be all short with me. There's no explanation I can think of. And I know I've been here once before. Theres the stages. First, where you meet and everythings all happy and sunshine. Then things change, you try your hardest to get things back to normal but fail. And then you start to think about what it is that made everything change, and the only thing you can find to blame is yourself. & this is what I'm going through. Im competely blaming myself. Im blaming the face that I dont have any stupid facial piercings. That my hair it's a stupid brown|red and ever stays straight enough. That my eyes are boring brown. I pretty much look like any other girl. That my boobs aren't big enough and that i wear my clothes completely wrong. I thought I may just have been good enough for you once, I suppose I was just blind. I wish I could change to make you want me. I think everyone has someone in the world they would do that for. But there's something wrong in the fact that there's too many people I would do it for.

& every second i waste is more than i can take. im so numb i can feel you there, i've become so tired, so much more aware. By becoming this all i want to do, is be more like me and be less like you. And i know, i may end up failing you.


I can only hope that the new year will bring exactly what it says. 'New'. New people for starters, not that I would change the people that I've met towards the end of this year for anything, it's just, I need to meet more.I want to get more into my photography. Building things up for myself. I had two offers at Tap in sunday to do photography for bands, so that's a big step forward. I want to find a way to be happier in myself. But i dont know how im going to do that. I want to be able to care what people think less. I don't know what else I want, but I know i'd give anything to be able to spend next year with Darryl. Just anything.
Okay so I'd like to seriously thank two people that I met towards the end of this year. I don't know either of them at all well but they've kept me going in completely different ways. I'm not sure if either of you will read this, but I can only hope.
Sam Craddock. (forgive me if i spelt your name wrong). That night that we met at Tap, I pretty much discovered someone who has one of the best out looks on life. You helped to remind me that life has to go on after the most painful of things. Like you said, there's always tomorrow, there's always a new day. Thankyou for brigntening me up. I hope i'l see you again soon hun.
Joella Colwell. You've been such a rock to me ever since we lost Darryl. The pain I feel cannot possibly compare to the best friend that you've lost, yet regardless you still magane to find the strength to help me through. I would have killed myself if it wasn't for you.And that pretty much is the cold hard truth. I can't find the words to thank you for being there for me and for helping me see sense. He'd be so proud of you, of who you are and what you've done. He's watching us I know it.

Darryl
I know i keep saying it, but i wouldn't be in this mess if you were here. Im sorry I keep saying that to you over and over again, but it's just so true. If you were here with me now,  i know that i wouldn't care what anyone else thought of me. I'd be happy in myself, happy in being with you. You'd be everything, and that would be just perfect. I wished you were here so much today. I keep wishing and wishing for things over and over again but none of them seem to come true. I suppose i should have learnt that from the last time I really wished for something. That was when I heard about you being in hospital. I wished and prayed so hard, but it didn't work. I wish i knew why. See, there I go again, wishing. I still can't read the newspapers. I can't bring myself to do it. I actually walked into a petrol station, and glanced at the papers outside and there you were similing back at me on the front cover. It almost sickens me in a way. I just want to escape everything, I think that part of me still hasnt accepted that you're gone. But if you weren't gone, then I wouldn't feel this gaping hole in my chest threatening to swallow me whole. If you werent gone then I wouldnt have a reason to cry myself to panic attacks. I know, i know deep in my mind and my heart that you wouldn't want me to feel like this. But for fuck sake Darryl have you ever tried living without you? It's harder than you'd ever imagine. I should be spending new years with you. Next year with you. I'd love that more than anything else in the world. Yet now for the rest of my life I'l be forced to settle for second best. That's the harsh reality of it. Nothing compares to you. I hope you've got The Rev up there with you now baby, that'd be completely awesome for you. I love you Darryl, more than you will ever know. & even though every day that goes by i seem to break that little bit more, i know one day I'll see you again. It's the only thing that keeps me going. See you soon baby, just wait. Always.

If you don't want me then I guess I'll have to go. Not loving you is harder than you know.
-Escape The Fate, Harder Than You Know

Liar, liar, if we're keeping score

But my dreams they aren't as empty,

as my concience seems to be.

I have hours - only lonely.

My lovers vengance,

that's never free.

If it's one thing that I really don't like, it's someone who lies for no reason. You would have thought that todays generation would have learnt something from watching Pinnocheo as a kid. Clearly you didn't. It was other the most pathetic thing as well, which I guess is what bothers me the most. Maybe I can't trust you as much as I thought I could? I really don't know right now. But seriously. This is how it went.
j:'Come out friday'

r:'Okay sure'

-friday-

j:'I'm not going out tonight :('

r:'Okay, no worries, go on facebook, I left you a message :}'

j:'Alright, will do when I get in'

The thing is, you can't even deny that you lied, because it's crystal clear that you did, jheezeee you're such an idiot. Thing is, you think I care that you didn't go on facebook? NO. I care that you lied when there was no need? You coulda just said there was no room for me & Amy or something, I didn't particulalry want to go anyway. It's not as if you were even lying to protect me. I don't understand it. Oh well.

Freeze the things that you love, & I shall let them fall all over her.

I guess there's a certain person I should thank right now. Well there's a few actually, but I'm just going to start off with this one person. I'm not going to say names, there's no point, because he'll never read this. Thankyou for just being my friend. For treating me like a normal person, being random with me like he was. For not thinking that you should be nice to me, feel sorry for me, just because of what I've lost. Thankyou for acting like you care. & Talking things through with me when the other half fucks me off. In such a short time, you've grown to mean a lot to me. Please don't leave me? I love you wife. Maybe one day we can order Pizza after a gig?

Another thankyou to my family, and mainly my sisters. I guess because of the age gap, it means we've never exactly had the chance to be terribly close. But recently I've been shown how strong a family needs to be, and mine means ever so much to me. Thankyou for being as understanding as possible, and I'm sorry for all the days that I shut you out. I promise to try harder. If not for you, not for me, for him.

To all of his friends & family, I cannot thankyou enough for being so kind to me. Thankyou for just talking to me, and making me feel a part of all of this. I wish I could have met you all under better circumstances, but I'm happy to have met you all the same. He was lucky to have you all in his life, as you were to have him in yours. We'll all make it through.

Darryl,

when you were here, everything was so perfect, I couldn't have asked for anything or anyone better in my life. But now, everything's so fucked up. I don't know who or what I want. Well, if it were possible, I'd have you for the rest of my life. If anyone asked me if I could have anything in the world, what would it be, I'd say you every single time. But I have to find a way to be happy without you. & Well I'm still working on that. I thought I'd found what would make me happy, and well that's only up and down, and now I'm not so sure. & Something else has come along which makes me happy too. But I can't have it. I'm just so confused, if you were here, I wouldn't be in this mess. I wish I could talk to you. Just take a break from all this, sit down and spend some time with you. Christmas doesn't feel like it should this year. I saw another sign today. Just this bright gold star on the floor. It made me smile endlessly. I miss you so much, I miss how you made everything alright. Sometimes I just feel like I should stop trying, give up with everything, with life and just fall in a heap on the floor. I'm not too sure if any of my friends would care right now. I'd do anything to have you back. I'll see you again one day, just promise me you'll watch until then. I'll love you forever.

8|12|2009; a month

has flown by without you. And I'm not exactly sure if it's supposed to go past slowly or quick?

I've taken each day as it came. I've tried to live each day as you'd want me to, and I'm trying to keep up with doing whatever it takes make me happy now. It is getting easier, I'll admit. I was thinking though; when people pass away, and they go to 'heaven' - or wherever it is people go when they leave this Earth - don't they usually join the people who have passed before them? So, who do you have up there with you? Grandparents? Friends? I don't know, I never got to find out. It does comfort me knowing that when I finally pass away myself, I'll be with you again, and we have the rest of eternity to do whatever the fuck we want. But I hope that your not alone up there, just watching down on us all. I wish I could be there with you, just to hold you and let you know I'll be with you soon, whenever my destiny decides is right.
It's the common sense which I have in my head that tells me to be realistic about this. I see the smallest things, which link back to you, and I think that it's you sending signs. This evenning, faces in the pavement. Just now, I looked at my watch, just to realise that it's been upside down all day. Today in media, Aslan from The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe randomly came up in conversation. It always seems to be the smallest things now. But if I didn't believe that you were somewhere watching me still, looking after me, then in all honesty I'm pretty sure I'd have gone insane. I suppose you changed my life in such a major way, that I can't imagine it without you. And even though I can't feel you, or hold you, or hear your voice in a way that's real anymore, I still feel you there. When I'm nervous, or scared or upset, I can just close my eyes and feel you there right next to me. That's why I'm convinced you're just hiding from me still. Just running about, following me to keep me safe. But then I think, out of all of us that you left behind, there's no reason why you would choose to look after me, when you have all your friends and family to look after too. It's not that I doubt you, I never have, never will. It's just that I doubt myself.
I've started to doubt myself a lot and a lot less at the same time recently. I doubt how much of a good daughter I am, a good friend, a good girlfriend (yeah, James Turner). I pin it down to parents evening and the day after speciffically. Firstly on parents evening, my friends are told not to let me drag them down in photography? Fucking excuse me? I love how I'm always the one to get in trouble, when they sit there painting their fucking nails and I'm just talking. Nice one mate, nice one thinking it wouldn't get back to me too. And telling my parents that I have an attitude problem and don't seem to be that bothered in the lesson? Photography is my life. How can I not be bothered? I go up during my free's and work, which is a lot more than everyone else in the class does. But, you know, I'm just going to ignore you, your just a teacher. I took photography because I wanted to, and because I think it's the only thing on this fucking Earth I may just be good at. So don't you fucking dare try to take that away from me. I'll prove you wrong. Every single one of you. Also, I suppose I should have relised that by having you for a best friend, that sometimes you'd make me feel like this. You've always been loud and bitchy. And I suppose that you just put others down to make you feel better about yourself. But it does hurt. Why compare us infront of my boyfriend? I realise you got double A's, and I got a C and a U, but seriously, as if I wasn't done in enough about it already. But hey ho, that's life, I love you all the same. I'll catch up to you eventually.
So I guess now I have to explain the boyfriend which I've mentioned about twice now. Okay so he's called James. If anyone even dares to think that I'm over Darryl.. Just.. I'm not. You don't get over loosing someone you love like that. James won't replace Darryl, he doesn't want to. He just makes me happy. & I know that's what Darryl wants. When I'm with James, my heart starts to heal. When I'm not with him, it just starts to tear up all over again. James is part of my healing process. He doesn't mean that I think about Darryl any less, infact I think about him more. James isn't anything like Darryl, which is the best part. Darryl will always something different, someone in his own legue. James understands the best that he can. And if anyone wants to judge me about having a boyfriend now, then feel free. I knew it was going to come out sooner or later, so it was better to come from me. I just hope your all pleased that I'm happier now. Darryl's still in my heart, and he's never leaving me. I shouldn't have to explain this anyway. You wouldn't understand. 

I thank God, or whoever it us up there, every single day for giving me that night with you. Yesterday, it was a month since I saw you last, since I spent that night with you. And it was exactly the same. It was dark and the rain was just drizzle. Driving down the same road. But not the same car. The wrong driver, the wrong emotions. I just sat in the car and cried. I pulled my hood down and shut my eyes tight, and I didn't feel my mum next to me anymore. I felt you. I genuinely believed that I would open my eyes, and be there with you, sitting there, singing like we would. I've never believed in something so much in my life. But it broke me just that bit more. But I'm gratefull for the inspiration that you give me every day, the motivation that you give me every morning, and the love and friends you surround me with.

I'll always love you Darryl.

Southampton soon.

I hope your with me then, I don't think I could go through it without you.

Hold on tight baby.

Furniture.

I am only flesh and bones,
splintered glass and tattered clothes,

behind the skin, my fragility,

behind the skin, a skeletal impracticality,

I am only pieces of you,

held together with paper glue,

behind the skin, my divinity

behind the skin, my only sanctuary.

You can lean on me, have a drink on me,

leave your mark all over me,

paint the outside 'till it smiles,

you can eat off me, rest your head on me,

press yourself on top of me,

kick the back until its quiet.

All in all I'm just furniture,

Just another piece taking you one step further from the perfect living room set,

All in all I'm just furniture,

In these 4 walls that hold me, keep me safe under sound and bare within its grip.

My wooden heart it sings no more,

this dress I wear becomes the floor,

behind the skin, a living, breathing thing,

behind the skin, a place you've never been.

You can lean on me, have a drink on me,

leave your mark all over me,

paint the outside 'till it smiles,

you can eat off me, rest your head on me,

press yourself on top of me,

kick the back until its quiet.

All in all I'm just furniture,

just another piece taking you one step further from the perfect living room set,

all in all I'm just furniture,

in these 4 walls that hold me, keep me safe under sound and bare within its grip.

I am only flesh and bones,

Splintered glass and tattered clothes.