My best friend knows me all too well. He knows what I want to say before I can even find a way to put it into words, which I often fail upon doing unless it's on here. I don't know why I always find it hard to say how I feel. I always say the wrong thing. It always comes out wrong. Or I just say it too late.
I always get scared of things. Not just things, that sounds meaningless. & if they're bothering me, then they can't be meaningless can they, they mean something to me. I get scared of.. Life. I don't know how else to put it. I'm genuinely frightened that the decisions I've made over the past year are going to grow into something that I'll look back on and regret for the rest of my life, however long or hopefully short that may be.
-No i'm not suicidal. Well maybe I am. I don't take my life for granted, I'm grateful for eerything and everyone that I have. I have a good family, and good friends. But life makes me tired. I'm tired of the same feeling, the same sickness. I would spend my life sleeping just so hat time passed faster. It always goes so slowly now. I'm just tired.-
I'm scared I've made the wrong choices, chased after the wrong people and let the right ones go.
I'm afraid of being close to people. I'm scared that they'll judge me, leave me, stop breathing. I genuinely feel alone, but it's not as if I don't have friends. I have a lot of friends, and I love them all with the whole of my heart, I don't want to think about where I'd be without them. But I'm just generally a person who's detached from the world which surrounds her. I think I must have taught myself to do that after losing someone who became such a big part of me in such a short time. I've taught myself not to let anyone in, that way I won't have to force myself to let them go.
Sometimes I think I'm making progress. It's like baby steps. I'll sit down one day and look at my life and tell myself that things have gotten better. That everything will be okay. Then I take a genuine look, and it's not. Nothing's ever really alright is it? There's always something somewhere which will be a problem. Always.
I always feel like I'm hurting someone. Or close to it anyway. I feel like I can't have friends, because they'll get hurt in the end. Joe doesn't talk to me anymore. It's like people feel like they can promise you that they'll always be there for you, just as a way of justifying that they're slipping away from you. A promise that they won't keep, just to indulge their guilt. I don't want people to feel like they have to be friends with me. Like they always have to be there for me. Because doing something because you have to and doing something because you want to are two completely different things, and I'd rather the second. I just hate the feeling of missing people when there's no need. The worst thing about missing someone is knowing that there's no chance of getting rid of that feeling, because you won't see them again.
When I miss my best friend I know I'll see him at the weekend, if I want I could see him there and then. But with Darryl, I know I'll never be able to see him again. That's just how it turned out, and I'll never understand why my life developed into this path, why this happened to me, why it had to happen when and how it did. But I've learnt not to question. I'll never find any answers.
Darryl, there's nothing to say but I miss you. I hope there's a way I'll find you again, but I'll have to try and figure that out. You were my sunshine. Literally. You were the place I felt safe, where everything fell into place and nothing else at all mattered. Time froze. I can't explain the fear of never having that again. I love you, always.
ROO | DARRYL BELL | PHOTOGRAPHY | ALEVELS | MUSIC
Wednesday, July 14
Wednesday, June 30
We're not in Wonderland anymore, Alice.
It's been a long time since I've posted anything on here, and I suppose a lot has actually happened in such a short space of time. I think it's easier to just start with the basics, although knowing my I'll just drift off into writing complete nonsense.
Photography's going well, I've noticed my work slowly improving, and I had the opitunity to take part in a local band shoot a few weeks ago. I had my first paid show last week. I've got a couple of shows coming up in a month or so as well, I just need to find a few jobs inbetween if I can.
I finished all of my exams, I think they we're all okay, apart from Ethics which I'm pretty sure I've failed.
Mum & Dad are going on holiday on Saturday to Wales, and I'm left at home with my sister because I'm still at school. I wouldn't have wanted to go with them to Wales anyway, but I haven't had a holiday for two years now & I can't even put into words how much I just want to get away from this place for a few days.
I've been having driving lessons, today was my third lesson and I drove all the way home. I think I'm improving so that's good, and my intructor mentioned booking a test soon, it's just the money side of things which is a problem. I don't want to drive my mum's car, because I absolutely despise it. I can't even afford to take my theory or driving test right now anyway, so fuck knows how I'm actually supposed to cope with buying a car, running it and covering insurance.
I don't talk to any of my 'best friends' anymore. Me, Anish & James went out a couple of weeks ago and I'm not going to lie, I loved them both so much that night. But things have gone back to how they were before again & neither of them talk to me much. I should have expected it. I don't talk to Holly much now either, because wherever we go she has to bring Nadine with her. I just don't see the point. So i'm leaving her to get on with her year 11 friends now she's left school, and I'm here if she ever feels like hanging out again. Which I'm guessing is when I will be driving by the way she used to talk about it. Whatever.
When you talk like that, I want to cry, because I'm petrified you'll do something stupid. I just want you to get better.
The one who was there after Darryl left, I'm over him. Okay, maybe not over him, but I've moved on. Darryl wouldn't want me to chase after some guy who doesn't give two fucks about me and just brings me down.
I have found someone who makes me happy again. & It kind of shocks me, because I was so convinced that I'll always be alone, that I won't be able to feel anything for anyone, that no one would want me because I'm fucked up. When he holds me, it feels the same as it did when Darryl held me. I feel safe. It feels like home, like I could just stay there forever and never leave. He's so childish but it makes me smile and he says the stupidest of things and thinks he's the funniest guy to walk this earth, but that's who he is. And who he is makes me happy.
I need to get over the jealousy issue I have though. He's in the band that I did the shoot with a few weeks ago, and he gets fan girls. A lot. & I'm not going to lie, it really frustrates me, when we're out, they're there. On Facebook, they're there. On Tumblr, they're there. It annoys me so much! And he randomly doesn't text me back sometimes.. Just randomly. I just needed to get all of that out.
Elliott, I know there's a good chance you'll read this, & I hope that you do.
Elly, okay please get well soon firstly, because if I can't see you for ages I'm going to miss you like fuck! and I'll have no one to get the train with to gigs, and no one to call when I need to talk about things and no one to wear penguin hats or get us lost. SO GET BETTER BITCH.
Thank you for everthing. I think Nafe's a bit jealous of you, because he told me he thought I liked someone else ;) funny that :/
No really, be serious Rachel. Elly, I could never have asked for a better person in my life. I know we have our arguments, a lot of the time and I hate it. I think it was because I was trying to push you away. Because I know you're better off without me, you were then and I still think you are now. But I'll never have any idea how you've managed to stand by me all these months, in all honesty, I think I've only just learnt how to cope with what happened, and that's thanks to you. Thank you for everything you've done for me. Thank you for loving me when no one else would. I hope you'll never leave me, but if one day you have to then I'll understand. I hope that there's someone on this Earth who is actually worthy of someone as genuine as you. & I hope that you realise from Saturday that I will fight for you, no matter what slag wants to get in my face about it. You're my best friend, no one fucks you around okay? Just look after yourself please? I love you.
Darryl,
I went to see Mitch preform & Hoo's Got Talent on Monday. I know you were watching, and that he made you just as proud as he made me. He is honestly so talented and dedicated to what he does, and I know that you're his inspiration. It was good to see everyone again, but weird at the same time. It was like where before we had felt like an extended part of your family, now we were just people meeting together as an annual thing. We all felt kind of detached, talking about life, work & school instead of talking about you. It bothered me, so I just stood in silence. I'm sorry. When I'm 18 I'm going to get the outline of a swallow on my wrist, and it'll represent you. Maybe when I pass they can tattoo a second on my opposite wrist and it'll represent me. Maybe. I don't like being scared of everything Darryl. I'm so scared of people just being there one day, and not being there the next. No one understands this. I'm so scared of feeling anything for anyone, because I know that when I'm happy it'll just get taken away from me again for months on end. I'm scared of loving someone. I'm scared of being touched. I'm scared of all the small things like being in their cars and talking to them or standing with them in the rain, or having them teach me how to skateboard, because every second I'm with them it's like they take away a part of you and replace it. I don't want to lose you, even though you've already left. I don't feel you here anymore. I feel like your family and friends hate me. I hate myself. I miss you so much, I've forgotten what your voice sounds like. I miss your eyes, your arms around me and the way you smelt when you held me.
I'll always love you, no matter who comes into my life or fucks me over. No matter if I tell them I love them, they will never ever manage to replace you. They can't live up to you. I will always love you. You're my sunshine, you're in the rain, the tree air fresheners in the cars, skateboards, Subway, Stephen King, Batman, Rochester, Hempstead Vally, the end of my road, the stars in the fuck sky. I can't escape you.
Photography's going well, I've noticed my work slowly improving, and I had the opitunity to take part in a local band shoot a few weeks ago. I had my first paid show last week. I've got a couple of shows coming up in a month or so as well, I just need to find a few jobs inbetween if I can.
I finished all of my exams, I think they we're all okay, apart from Ethics which I'm pretty sure I've failed.
Mum & Dad are going on holiday on Saturday to Wales, and I'm left at home with my sister because I'm still at school. I wouldn't have wanted to go with them to Wales anyway, but I haven't had a holiday for two years now & I can't even put into words how much I just want to get away from this place for a few days.
I've been having driving lessons, today was my third lesson and I drove all the way home. I think I'm improving so that's good, and my intructor mentioned booking a test soon, it's just the money side of things which is a problem. I don't want to drive my mum's car, because I absolutely despise it. I can't even afford to take my theory or driving test right now anyway, so fuck knows how I'm actually supposed to cope with buying a car, running it and covering insurance.
I don't talk to any of my 'best friends' anymore. Me, Anish & James went out a couple of weeks ago and I'm not going to lie, I loved them both so much that night. But things have gone back to how they were before again & neither of them talk to me much. I should have expected it. I don't talk to Holly much now either, because wherever we go she has to bring Nadine with her. I just don't see the point. So i'm leaving her to get on with her year 11 friends now she's left school, and I'm here if she ever feels like hanging out again. Which I'm guessing is when I will be driving by the way she used to talk about it. Whatever.
When you talk like that, I want to cry, because I'm petrified you'll do something stupid. I just want you to get better.
The one who was there after Darryl left, I'm over him. Okay, maybe not over him, but I've moved on. Darryl wouldn't want me to chase after some guy who doesn't give two fucks about me and just brings me down.
I have found someone who makes me happy again. & It kind of shocks me, because I was so convinced that I'll always be alone, that I won't be able to feel anything for anyone, that no one would want me because I'm fucked up. When he holds me, it feels the same as it did when Darryl held me. I feel safe. It feels like home, like I could just stay there forever and never leave. He's so childish but it makes me smile and he says the stupidest of things and thinks he's the funniest guy to walk this earth, but that's who he is. And who he is makes me happy.
I need to get over the jealousy issue I have though. He's in the band that I did the shoot with a few weeks ago, and he gets fan girls. A lot. & I'm not going to lie, it really frustrates me, when we're out, they're there. On Facebook, they're there. On Tumblr, they're there. It annoys me so much! And he randomly doesn't text me back sometimes.. Just randomly. I just needed to get all of that out.
Elliott, I know there's a good chance you'll read this, & I hope that you do.
Elly, okay please get well soon firstly, because if I can't see you for ages I'm going to miss you like fuck! and I'll have no one to get the train with to gigs, and no one to call when I need to talk about things and no one to wear penguin hats or get us lost. SO GET BETTER BITCH.
Thank you for everthing. I think Nafe's a bit jealous of you, because he told me he thought I liked someone else ;) funny that :/
No really, be serious Rachel. Elly, I could never have asked for a better person in my life. I know we have our arguments, a lot of the time and I hate it. I think it was because I was trying to push you away. Because I know you're better off without me, you were then and I still think you are now. But I'll never have any idea how you've managed to stand by me all these months, in all honesty, I think I've only just learnt how to cope with what happened, and that's thanks to you. Thank you for everything you've done for me. Thank you for loving me when no one else would. I hope you'll never leave me, but if one day you have to then I'll understand. I hope that there's someone on this Earth who is actually worthy of someone as genuine as you. & I hope that you realise from Saturday that I will fight for you, no matter what slag wants to get in my face about it. You're my best friend, no one fucks you around okay? Just look after yourself please? I love you.
Darryl,
I went to see Mitch preform & Hoo's Got Talent on Monday. I know you were watching, and that he made you just as proud as he made me. He is honestly so talented and dedicated to what he does, and I know that you're his inspiration. It was good to see everyone again, but weird at the same time. It was like where before we had felt like an extended part of your family, now we were just people meeting together as an annual thing. We all felt kind of detached, talking about life, work & school instead of talking about you. It bothered me, so I just stood in silence. I'm sorry. When I'm 18 I'm going to get the outline of a swallow on my wrist, and it'll represent you. Maybe when I pass they can tattoo a second on my opposite wrist and it'll represent me. Maybe. I don't like being scared of everything Darryl. I'm so scared of people just being there one day, and not being there the next. No one understands this. I'm so scared of feeling anything for anyone, because I know that when I'm happy it'll just get taken away from me again for months on end. I'm scared of loving someone. I'm scared of being touched. I'm scared of all the small things like being in their cars and talking to them or standing with them in the rain, or having them teach me how to skateboard, because every second I'm with them it's like they take away a part of you and replace it. I don't want to lose you, even though you've already left. I don't feel you here anymore. I feel like your family and friends hate me. I hate myself. I miss you so much, I've forgotten what your voice sounds like. I miss your eyes, your arms around me and the way you smelt when you held me.
I'll always love you, no matter who comes into my life or fucks me over. No matter if I tell them I love them, they will never ever manage to replace you. They can't live up to you. I will always love you. You're my sunshine, you're in the rain, the tree air fresheners in the cars, skateboards, Subway, Stephen King, Batman, Rochester, Hempstead Vally, the end of my road, the stars in the fuck sky. I can't escape you.
Sunday, May 9
Tailored sheets, to fix this dirty bed.
I've been meaning to write a blog for the past couple of days, just because there's been a lot going through my mind and it always helps me to get everything written out somewhere. But now I'm here I'm not entirely sure where to start.
I always get this overwhelming feeling every now and then that I need to change something. Or that something needs to change. There's a difference between those I suppose.But right now I just have the feeling that I need to reinvent myself. Everything needs to become bigger, brighter, louder. I need to be braver. I need to stop caring what people think about what I do, how I work, the people that I talk to, what I wear. That'll be the hardest part. I don't even know what's happened to me for this to become such a big problem. This huge paranoia has just swamped me and I want to please everyone.
There's no use in that. *Kant would disagree, see he believed that there was a Summum Bonnum, which is where you can be happy and do the right thing. (it's impossible) he thought that humans were rational and wouldn't aim for something which they couldn't achieve. So God made the Summum Bonnum acheivable in a place we know a Heaven.* - Bit of Philosophy revesion there, Moral Argument ;)
But really, there's no use in me trying to conform to please everyone, there will always be someone along the line who doesn't like how I am. I know what I want to be like. I just need to make a list of how to get there.
I always get this overwhelming feeling every now and then that I need to change something. Or that something needs to change. There's a difference between those I suppose.But right now I just have the feeling that I need to reinvent myself. Everything needs to become bigger, brighter, louder. I need to be braver. I need to stop caring what people think about what I do, how I work, the people that I talk to, what I wear. That'll be the hardest part. I don't even know what's happened to me for this to become such a big problem. This huge paranoia has just swamped me and I want to please everyone.
There's no use in that. *Kant would disagree, see he believed that there was a Summum Bonnum, which is where you can be happy and do the right thing. (it's impossible) he thought that humans were rational and wouldn't aim for something which they couldn't achieve. So God made the Summum Bonnum acheivable in a place we know a Heaven.* - Bit of Philosophy revesion there, Moral Argument ;)
But really, there's no use in me trying to conform to please everyone, there will always be someone along the line who doesn't like how I am. I know what I want to be like. I just need to make a list of how to get there.
That brings me to another point, I think I'm mildly OCD. None of my food can touch. It has to be eaten in sections. Don't start another type of food until you've finished the first. And everything has to be straight. Nothing at all can be wonky. Really, nothing. It's stupid, but I've beomce such an perfectionist beacause of it.
Exams in about 3/2 weeks. Fuck.I'm 17 in 28 days. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm my mind I feel no different than I did when I was 12, but I know that I'm a completely different person now to the person I was all those years ago. Things have changed me, people have changed me, and in ways I'm grateful. If I hadn't been through half the shit I have, I know that I wouldn't be as strong as I am now.
Okay, now I need to say some things to a few people.
01.I hate how distressed you get. I know that it's not your fault, that it's your illnesses, and it's all happened to you way too young. But I love you, and I will never ever leave you. I just want you to be well again.
02.I hope you're having a good day. & I'm stubborn so I won't talk you you first. I'm sorry for how I was on Friday, but I can't explain it. It just annoys me how you think we can just forget everything, it doesn't work like that. But incase you hadn't realised, and I doubt that you have, but I'm distancing myself from you. On Friday, I saw how better you are without me. You looked a lot happier, and I'm not willing to take that from you anymore. You'll be better now.
03.You're supposed to be my best friend. I hate the way you fucking never seem to able to talk to me about my problems? I spend all day fucking telling you your girlfriend loves you, that she wouldn't do this or that, telling you that you need to stay here, that there's no use in giving up. You just tell me not to go out so much and that you dont know about '___ or ___ 'so you can't say much there? You're my best friend, and you don't even know what the fuck's going on in my life? I know everything about yours, yet you know nothing about mine. You're never there for me when I need you.
04.I'm sorry for how I've been recently. It's just been a dark place. Forgive me. ♥
05.I don't understand you, not one little bit. But it's you who's triggered this need for change within me. She was so pretty, it actually hurt. She's made me hate myself just that little bit more, and yeah everyone said to me she's fake but I don't care because you don't care. It annoys me, the way which you pretend to care when I seemed down, that meant a lot to me. But then next day, you barely talk to me? Did you just talk to me to try and make her jealous? Judging by the looks of her next to mine, it's highly unlikely. But really, please sort it out.
Exams in about 3/2 weeks. Fuck.I'm 17 in 28 days. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm my mind I feel no different than I did when I was 12, but I know that I'm a completely different person now to the person I was all those years ago. Things have changed me, people have changed me, and in ways I'm grateful. If I hadn't been through half the shit I have, I know that I wouldn't be as strong as I am now.
Okay, now I need to say some things to a few people.
01.I hate how distressed you get. I know that it's not your fault, that it's your illnesses, and it's all happened to you way too young. But I love you, and I will never ever leave you. I just want you to be well again.
02.I hope you're having a good day. & I'm stubborn so I won't talk you you first. I'm sorry for how I was on Friday, but I can't explain it. It just annoys me how you think we can just forget everything, it doesn't work like that. But incase you hadn't realised, and I doubt that you have, but I'm distancing myself from you. On Friday, I saw how better you are without me. You looked a lot happier, and I'm not willing to take that from you anymore. You'll be better now.
03.You're supposed to be my best friend. I hate the way you fucking never seem to able to talk to me about my problems? I spend all day fucking telling you your girlfriend loves you, that she wouldn't do this or that, telling you that you need to stay here, that there's no use in giving up. You just tell me not to go out so much and that you dont know about '___ or ___ 'so you can't say much there? You're my best friend, and you don't even know what the fuck's going on in my life? I know everything about yours, yet you know nothing about mine. You're never there for me when I need you.
04.I'm sorry for how I've been recently. It's just been a dark place. Forgive me. ♥
05.I don't understand you, not one little bit. But it's you who's triggered this need for change within me. She was so pretty, it actually hurt. She's made me hate myself just that little bit more, and yeah everyone said to me she's fake but I don't care because you don't care. It annoys me, the way which you pretend to care when I seemed down, that meant a lot to me. But then next day, you barely talk to me? Did you just talk to me to try and make her jealous? Judging by the looks of her next to mine, it's highly unlikely. But really, please sort it out.
06.Get well please? I know you've never been completely well, and I hadn't been to see you in a long time, but I promise, as soon as you get better I'll come round every single day. I can make you coffee and we can talk about when you were a kid, and compare it with when I was a kid. God can't take you away from me as well, I'm on the verge of having nothing less. I love you nana ♥
07.I know I wasn't as close with him as any of you were, but it means so much to me that you've all well.. accepted me? I would honestly be so lost without you all. I wouldn't be here, I would have gone straight after him if I hadn't spoken to you all. Just thank you so much.
08.Thank you for being my family.
Darryl,
it's been six months now. I don't know how I feel about that. It feels so long since I last saw you, I miss you more than words could describe. If you were here I wouldn't been in this mess, I'd be with you and we'd be happy, or so I'd like to think. But then I can remember seeing you like it was just yesterday. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking it was. I know you were with me Friday and Saturday, it rained. I'm sorry that you've had to see me in such a state recently, and I promise you that I'm trying to sort myself out. I'ts just hard trying to find the right place to start. Also I'm going to appoligise in advance, but my red hair's going again. ♥ purple is the way forward. I told my friend Eden about you. It was nice to talk about you, because I don't get to do it often, the people I surround myself aren't comfortable with talking about it, and for their sake I keep my mouth shut. It's so nice when I see your friends. I think I'm able to call them our friends now? But it's so nice when I see them, I love hearing all their storys about you. It's nice to talk about you with people who knew you. Know you.
Thank you for helping out Mitch with him exams, he only wants to make you proud, just like I do. We all do.
07.I know I wasn't as close with him as any of you were, but it means so much to me that you've all well.. accepted me? I would honestly be so lost without you all. I wouldn't be here, I would have gone straight after him if I hadn't spoken to you all. Just thank you so much.
08.Thank you for being my family.
Darryl,
it's been six months now. I don't know how I feel about that. It feels so long since I last saw you, I miss you more than words could describe. If you were here I wouldn't been in this mess, I'd be with you and we'd be happy, or so I'd like to think. But then I can remember seeing you like it was just yesterday. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking it was. I know you were with me Friday and Saturday, it rained. I'm sorry that you've had to see me in such a state recently, and I promise you that I'm trying to sort myself out. I'ts just hard trying to find the right place to start. Also I'm going to appoligise in advance, but my red hair's going again. ♥ purple is the way forward. I told my friend Eden about you. It was nice to talk about you, because I don't get to do it often, the people I surround myself aren't comfortable with talking about it, and for their sake I keep my mouth shut. It's so nice when I see your friends. I think I'm able to call them our friends now? But it's so nice when I see them, I love hearing all their storys about you. It's nice to talk about you with people who knew you. Know you.
Thank you for helping out Mitch with him exams, he only wants to make you proud, just like I do. We all do.
GAH I need to go do my work. I love you sunshine, always. Nothing will ever change that, no matter what I do or whatever happens, I will always love you. Always.
Monday, April 26
There must be something so very wrong with me if all these people find it so easy to leave me.
I hate myself. I can't even think straight.
I'm no where near as different as I like to make out I am.
I try to walk like I think a confident person would, but I still look at the floor.
I put people down to make myself look better.
Even though I don't want him, or him, I hate it when they talk to other girls.
I like guys who read literature, have the sides of their head shaved and listen to The Smiths.
Yet the guys I get are either too nice, or complete cunts who just stop talking to me for no reason, after working their way into my life.
I don't feel anything.
I don't like how I've changed. But I can't remember what it was liek to be the person I was before Darryl left me. I just remember that I was happy. There was me and him. That's all I know.
I don't know how to get myself back.
I keep finding all these little things every day which just bring me lower and more so down.
My friend recommended another photographer to a band.
He's online, yet not talking to me.
She did it before I did.
They're happy, why is it so impossible for me?
I don't want to feel anything for anyone appart from my boy. I don't want my life to move on.
I don't want to feel like im moving on, & I don't even want to love anyone else.
You were my best friend, you had no one here. Then you replace me?
I can't take any more.
I hate myself. I can't even think straight.
I'm no where near as different as I like to make out I am.
I try to walk like I think a confident person would, but I still look at the floor.
I put people down to make myself look better.
Even though I don't want him, or him, I hate it when they talk to other girls.
I like guys who read literature, have the sides of their head shaved and listen to The Smiths.
Yet the guys I get are either too nice, or complete cunts who just stop talking to me for no reason, after working their way into my life.
I don't feel anything.
I don't like how I've changed. But I can't remember what it was liek to be the person I was before Darryl left me. I just remember that I was happy. There was me and him. That's all I know.
I don't know how to get myself back.
I keep finding all these little things every day which just bring me lower and more so down.
My friend recommended another photographer to a band.
He's online, yet not talking to me.
She did it before I did.
They're happy, why is it so impossible for me?
I don't want to feel anything for anyone appart from my boy. I don't want my life to move on.
I don't want to feel like im moving on, & I don't even want to love anyone else.
You were my best friend, you had no one here. Then you replace me?
I can't take any more.
Understanding the shape
between your throat and collar
is exactly a true heart
to be kissed.
Understanding the nature
of words is to kiss them into shape.
Understanding the pretense.
In some other era the most Romantic thing
would be to let things wither beautifully.
Understanding one rainfall
growing inside another can make
a rainbow but only inside,
safe as houses.
Understanding nothing
is complete freedom.
Understanding the tilt of sleeping
is to reconcile breath with first memory.
Understanding your hands
are folded protectively only because
they are so agile and full of nothing,
so keen to touch my mouth.
Understanding courtly love
as archetypal memory
something to write essays about
over and over
like yearning caught in clouds of words.
Understanding the faces I see
are not nearly as beautiful as the faces they conceal.
Understanding eleven minutes past
is not a psychic message
just something you can train yourself
to recognise in crisis or temptation.
Understanding if you peel open a closed flower bud
it really can’t do itself up again.
Understanding a moment like this -
as it drifts between inner rooms -
a lonely ghost.
Understanding time
is opening doors and windows
in every place you’ve ever been
just to let in a little wavering light,
the chance memory,
an echo of your future self.
By Nevering
between your throat and collar
is exactly a true heart
to be kissed.
Understanding the nature
of words is to kiss them into shape.
Understanding the pretense.
In some other era the most Romantic thing
would be to let things wither beautifully.
Understanding one rainfall
growing inside another can make
a rainbow but only inside,
safe as houses.
Understanding nothing
is complete freedom.
Understanding the tilt of sleeping
is to reconcile breath with first memory.
Understanding your hands
are folded protectively only because
they are so agile and full of nothing,
so keen to touch my mouth.
Understanding courtly love
as archetypal memory
something to write essays about
over and over
like yearning caught in clouds of words.
Understanding the faces I see
are not nearly as beautiful as the faces they conceal.
Understanding eleven minutes past
is not a psychic message
just something you can train yourself
to recognise in crisis or temptation.
Understanding if you peel open a closed flower bud
it really can’t do itself up again.
Understanding a moment like this -
as it drifts between inner rooms -
a lonely ghost.
Understanding time
is opening doors and windows
in every place you’ve ever been
just to let in a little wavering light,
the chance memory,
an echo of your future self.
By Nevering
Tuesday, April 20
I finally feel like things are moving forward a little bit? I'll admit it's going way to fast for my liking, but it's progress all the same. I finished my photography exam today, and my teacher made me feel a little more confident in myself after he looked at my work and seemed pleased. ( That's good considdering me and him don't usually get along. ) My coursework needs to be completed by the end of the week, so i'll be using frees and time after school to do that. Then that's over and I can concentrate on my other subjects, thank God.
I also just got the form for my provisional licence, which is really surreal? But soon I'll be driving, and things will be easier. I just need to find a better job to fund this.
I've hopefully got another band who want photographs, maybe some promotional shoots, so that should be good as i don't have any of them under my belt. Another gig lined up during my study leave.
Hopefully everything's starting to fall into place?
Darryl, it's harder now, and i hate myself for it. It's harder to open up. But thank you for all the signs, that one couldn't have been more obvious. I'm sorry for crying. I hope I make you proud. I love you, brown eyes.
I also just got the form for my provisional licence, which is really surreal? But soon I'll be driving, and things will be easier. I just need to find a better job to fund this.
I've hopefully got another band who want photographs, maybe some promotional shoots, so that should be good as i don't have any of them under my belt. Another gig lined up during my study leave.
Hopefully everything's starting to fall into place?
Darryl, it's harder now, and i hate myself for it. It's harder to open up. But thank you for all the signs, that one couldn't have been more obvious. I'm sorry for crying. I hope I make you proud. I love you, brown eyes.
Sunday, April 18
Saturday, March 13
- But it's just the price I pay, destiny is calling me, open up my eager eyes, 'cause I'm Mr.Brightside.
Okay so I haven't posted anything on here for what feels like a really long time, I did have a few draft blogs but I deleted those as things are just constantly changing and things stop ebing relevant anymore. I've had the odd panic attack or two, I did tell my parents about one, because it happened when I was out, and again when I got home. Other than that they haven't mentioned it. And it seems to be happening less. But I'll just ignore it. I can handle myself.
So it's funny how doing the smallest thing can completely change your mood. That's what lead me to writing this. I pressed the refresh button on Facebook, and now I'm like, FUCK?! It was one of those moments, when you know in your head that there's no reason why you should care anymore, that there's nothing you can do. But then there's the sinking feeling in your stomach and the leap in your heart that tells you differently. It's the latter of those that I can't deny. No one else would think anything of it, apart from those who knew me, and would know what I would think about it. But again, it really is so stupid how I'm making such a big deal about this? I haven't even addressed to you all what it is yet. Okay, a girl who I know is a slag, is basically getting in there with a guy I like. Liked. Like. Liked. Past tense. But yes, I do realise how pathetic this is. But we can't help how we feel? Me and him don't talk anymore, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. But life must go on. If anything did happen between them, it wouldn't last. Nothing lasts forever. Sorted.
Sometimes I look at myself, and I wonder what the hell happened to me. I'm not the person I want to be, I'm not the person I was before, I'm not proud of half of the things that I have done. I'm caught in the middle. My goals are all so far away I won't start making progress any time soon. I have a handfull of friends in school, same outside of school. But I don't know who I trust. I hear myself talking sometimes, and I just thinkg 'why the hell am I saying this?'. I'm not proud of who I am. Every day I wish that there was some way which I could change everything inside-out and make evertything alright again. I hate the amount of determination that I have. It's like the feeling of sinking. You get dragged down, but you keep struggling upwards, getting nowhere, loosing energy and just making a whole lot of mess to be frank.
I realised the other day - when I got my results of my Ethics exam back and found I had failed - well I sat and had a little talk between me, my head and my heart. *I just had another revalation* Just because I write neatly in my book, feel organised and write out revision cards doesn't mean that anything's actually going in my head. Just because I set everything out neatly in a powerpoint doesn't get me a better grade. Just because I'm a perfectionist doesn't make me perfect. I don't know what I'm supposed to do really, I was so dissapointed with my result, because I know how hard I had tried and I genually thought I had done better. But I just have to pick myself up and learn from it. This time I think I have to do it on my own, although I haven't, I've had friends like Elliott telling me not to give up. I just feel I need to try and get through things on my own now.
As for my other revaltation. I don't quite know how to word it. But I don't know how to let anyone in anymore. I'm so scared of anything that has 'commitment' written over it, because I know how feelings change. I don't want to have any responcibilty for people's feelings, the last thing I want to do it to hurt anyone, but I'm so afraid of being alone. Where does this leave me? I only know where it has found me. I suppose looking outside-in I would be leading these three guys on, when I know full well that I have no intention of having a relationship now, or ever with any of them. But I keep them around so I'm not on my own, so that I feel wanted. The one guy that I truely want is out of my reach, he's with me, but just not physically, and my heart belongs to him. It always will and no one can really seem to understand that. That is my only commitment and I intend to keep to it. I get along with people fine, but I don't trust them. I don't trust anyone with my feelings. That is why I don't get close to anyone. I don't know how to anymore. Every guy that there has ever been has just ended in pain. All for various reasons. Darryl was different, he was perfect, the pain wasn't caused through any fault of his own like the others. Apart from making me fall in love with him.
But what do I do?
Darryl,
I wish I could remember the person that I was when I had you. I was clearly doing something right when I had you around. Now everything's just falling to pieces and I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. In the end, I think it's come down to how I don't care anymore. About anything. Everything goes over my head, I rarely feel anything. When I do feel anything, nowadays it's my heart leaping about like a rabit for some reason or another, usually for a bad reason. I just don't know.
He won't touch you, you know he won't. You know what I mean.
At 30STM, during Was It A Dream I turned to my left, and there was a kid the spitting image of you. I even did that double-take thing that people do. I stared at him for what felt like hours, but I hope it wasn't that long. But it was like I could just fool myself for a while that I was with you. That you had never left, that nothing had changed at all from the night I spent with you, and we were perfectly happy. I think it was you telling me that you were there with us, if only in spirit. Thank you for that.
I know I'm not making you proud at all right now Darry' but I promise you, I'll turn everything around. I'll make it though, I'll do it all for you. I want you to be proud of me. I love you. I miss you. I wish I could be everything that you are, have the impact on people that you do, still do. I just wish more than ever right now that I could have you back here with me, if only for a while. I wouldn't think about having to let go, just being with you there and then would be good enough.
It disturbs me that when I think about last night, and I remember how hard it was to leave. I can't help but think, 'what if I didn't?' because, maybe if I didn't leave, maybe it wouldn't have happened, or turned out the way it did.
Why is this so hard?
I love you sunshine. Always.
Okay so I haven't posted anything on here for what feels like a really long time, I did have a few draft blogs but I deleted those as things are just constantly changing and things stop ebing relevant anymore. I've had the odd panic attack or two, I did tell my parents about one, because it happened when I was out, and again when I got home. Other than that they haven't mentioned it. And it seems to be happening less. But I'll just ignore it. I can handle myself.
So it's funny how doing the smallest thing can completely change your mood. That's what lead me to writing this. I pressed the refresh button on Facebook, and now I'm like, FUCK?! It was one of those moments, when you know in your head that there's no reason why you should care anymore, that there's nothing you can do. But then there's the sinking feeling in your stomach and the leap in your heart that tells you differently. It's the latter of those that I can't deny. No one else would think anything of it, apart from those who knew me, and would know what I would think about it. But again, it really is so stupid how I'm making such a big deal about this? I haven't even addressed to you all what it is yet. Okay, a girl who I know is a slag, is basically getting in there with a guy I like. Liked. Like. Liked. Past tense. But yes, I do realise how pathetic this is. But we can't help how we feel? Me and him don't talk anymore, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. But life must go on. If anything did happen between them, it wouldn't last. Nothing lasts forever. Sorted.
Sometimes I look at myself, and I wonder what the hell happened to me. I'm not the person I want to be, I'm not the person I was before, I'm not proud of half of the things that I have done. I'm caught in the middle. My goals are all so far away I won't start making progress any time soon. I have a handfull of friends in school, same outside of school. But I don't know who I trust. I hear myself talking sometimes, and I just thinkg 'why the hell am I saying this?'. I'm not proud of who I am. Every day I wish that there was some way which I could change everything inside-out and make evertything alright again. I hate the amount of determination that I have. It's like the feeling of sinking. You get dragged down, but you keep struggling upwards, getting nowhere, loosing energy and just making a whole lot of mess to be frank.
I realised the other day - when I got my results of my Ethics exam back and found I had failed - well I sat and had a little talk between me, my head and my heart. *I just had another revalation* Just because I write neatly in my book, feel organised and write out revision cards doesn't mean that anything's actually going in my head. Just because I set everything out neatly in a powerpoint doesn't get me a better grade. Just because I'm a perfectionist doesn't make me perfect. I don't know what I'm supposed to do really, I was so dissapointed with my result, because I know how hard I had tried and I genually thought I had done better. But I just have to pick myself up and learn from it. This time I think I have to do it on my own, although I haven't, I've had friends like Elliott telling me not to give up. I just feel I need to try and get through things on my own now.
As for my other revaltation. I don't quite know how to word it. But I don't know how to let anyone in anymore. I'm so scared of anything that has 'commitment' written over it, because I know how feelings change. I don't want to have any responcibilty for people's feelings, the last thing I want to do it to hurt anyone, but I'm so afraid of being alone. Where does this leave me? I only know where it has found me. I suppose looking outside-in I would be leading these three guys on, when I know full well that I have no intention of having a relationship now, or ever with any of them. But I keep them around so I'm not on my own, so that I feel wanted. The one guy that I truely want is out of my reach, he's with me, but just not physically, and my heart belongs to him. It always will and no one can really seem to understand that. That is my only commitment and I intend to keep to it. I get along with people fine, but I don't trust them. I don't trust anyone with my feelings. That is why I don't get close to anyone. I don't know how to anymore. Every guy that there has ever been has just ended in pain. All for various reasons. Darryl was different, he was perfect, the pain wasn't caused through any fault of his own like the others. Apart from making me fall in love with him.
But what do I do?
Darryl,
I wish I could remember the person that I was when I had you. I was clearly doing something right when I had you around. Now everything's just falling to pieces and I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. In the end, I think it's come down to how I don't care anymore. About anything. Everything goes over my head, I rarely feel anything. When I do feel anything, nowadays it's my heart leaping about like a rabit for some reason or another, usually for a bad reason. I just don't know.
He won't touch you, you know he won't. You know what I mean.
At 30STM, during Was It A Dream I turned to my left, and there was a kid the spitting image of you. I even did that double-take thing that people do. I stared at him for what felt like hours, but I hope it wasn't that long. But it was like I could just fool myself for a while that I was with you. That you had never left, that nothing had changed at all from the night I spent with you, and we were perfectly happy. I think it was you telling me that you were there with us, if only in spirit. Thank you for that.
I know I'm not making you proud at all right now Darry' but I promise you, I'll turn everything around. I'll make it though, I'll do it all for you. I want you to be proud of me. I love you. I miss you. I wish I could be everything that you are, have the impact on people that you do, still do. I just wish more than ever right now that I could have you back here with me, if only for a while. I wouldn't think about having to let go, just being with you there and then would be good enough.
It disturbs me that when I think about last night, and I remember how hard it was to leave. I can't help but think, 'what if I didn't?' because, maybe if I didn't leave, maybe it wouldn't have happened, or turned out the way it did.
Why is this so hard?
I love you sunshine. Always.
Friday, January 8
Surrender to nothing..
I'm not one of those people, who says at the start of a new year 'new year, new me.' I just think that's the biggest load of crap I've heard for a long time in all honesty. They'll all be complaining in status' on Facebook again after a number of days. I don't understand why a new year has to start in order for people to change how they are or how they act. If your personality or life is seriously that bad that change is needed, then why wait? Just because it's a new year, it doesn't make a difference to how well things go. For me, a new year just shows me how fast my life is going by. I can still remember days from primary school like they were yesterday. Things people have told me. Friends I've had and lost. I really hate how things have to change sometimes, but 'that's life' as I've been told so many times. I guess I have to learn to accept that I won't always be happy, people won't always like me, friends won't always be there, and I will always miss him. Nothing ever goes right for more than a number of days in this life, but I need to be grateful for all the things that I do have instead of dwelling on what I don't. I have a handfull of seriously good friends which is better than having loads of really shit ones. I have a family that cares about me, when I open my eyes and see it. I have a house with heating. Food in the cupboard. I have the most amazing person up in heaven watching over me. Being without him is like being without oxygen, but he's still there. I'm not completely failing school, which is better than being thrown out for my terrible grades. Well frankly I have to be happy with what I have, because it's not going to change anytime soon, new year or not.
I've learnt recently about judging people. I met someone a while ago, but I never took the time to talk to them properly and find out who they are. Then I started to get fucked off, because they were everywhere that I went. Most aspects of my life, there they would be. But then it turned out that she's a really brilliant person. She understands most of the shit I go through with guys, and because she knows who they are she's able to understand better than most. I can talk to her about anything and automatically trust her. Recently I don't know where I'd be without her. So if you ever stumble on this, I'm sorry I judged you in the beginning, & I love you for sure :)
Me and my friend Holly, we live our lives now by 'The Wise Words of Sam.' This would be in refferance to Sam who we met at Tap just after Christmas. Whenever either of us are down we just remind eachother of 'The Wise Words of Sam' and we remember that there's actually no reason why we should care what others think of us, tomorrow's always a new day and that people will always treat you like shit no matter where you go, but life goes on, and you'll always get through. This in ways goes to show hoow much one person can inspire you in the space of just an hour. I wish I could have the same out look on life as Sam, and be able to inspire people as he does. I suppose he doesn't see it himself.
Whatever I do here forward, is going to be for myself, or for Darryl. There's no reason why anyone else should matter in all honesty. Not that I don't love everyone else who's a part of my life, but everyone's changed including myself. People come in and out of my life like a fucking public toilet and nothing lasts forever. There's no reason why I should care what people think of me, when in reality I know that they won't be in my life forever. As long as I'm happy with the person that I am then I should have to change how I look or act for everyone else's pleasure.
I listen from music to Suicide Silence to Kasabian to Lady Gaga. I wear dresses and Bring Me The Horizon t-shirts and dorky glasses. I have friends who are slags, chavs, indie, and scene, emo and chemo, some you can't label at all. So good luck trying to label me, or taking a dislike to me because of something to do with my appearance. I don't try to fit in, I just do what I like. If that happens to fit in with whatever's 'it' right now, then so be it. I want to make Darryl proud and live my life like it's the only one I'll ever have. Which it is. It's not possible to make everyone happy, so I give up trying. I want to be happy.
Darryl;
It's two months today. 56 days. I still talk to you every night, I just hope you can hear me. I hope you saw me on New Years eve at Robins, I was so drunk, you would have laughed at me so hard. The hangover I had was a killer though, and I had to walk home from Top Road. I almost collapsed when I was home. I walked up Mierscourt Road too. I was talking to you the whole way again, people kept driving and walking past, fuck knows what they must have been thinking about me. It's so hard not to be upset about this still. Everyone told me that it would get easier once I got over the initial shock, and I have I'll admit it. Part of me still doesn't believe it, won't accept it. I can't even say.. That you're. You know. I just say 'when he left' or how you're 'gone'. I don't say goodbye. I don't need to because you're still here. You're just hiding. I know it, but when I say that out loud, people feel too awkward to say anything about how insane I must sound. Or they just go along with it, talking to me like I'm a child. I wish I'd been able to go to Southampton. Maybe things would have turned out differently to how they have now, but I didn't have enough money for my tattoo and that's what I want most of all from the trip. But I'm going to start putting money aside as soon as I've got my tickets for 30STM. I heard your mum got a tattoo the other day, one that you'd designed. One good thing that's come from this heartbreak is that I feel like I have a second family now. I love your friends and family as my own, but I can't help but wish that it would be happening with you there, part of it. I wish I could still text you and complain about my photography teacher picking on me. I wish it would rain instead of snow so I could feel like I was with you again. There's certain thoughts and memories of you which keep me going. I look at you and I think, those eyes once looked into mine. They saw my eyes, they saw me. Into me. Your smile once smiled at me, the dimples that showed through were mine in that moment. Your arms once held me, and showed me that you would be there only place that I would feel safe in from that moment forward. I have to hold onto those thoughts and memories, because my life does depend on it. You were mine for one night. & I'll never let it go. I love you sunshine, always and forever.
I might not be around much over the next few weeks, that includes Facebook, MSN, MySpace, school, Chatham blablabla. I'm pretty much going underground for a while as my dad's really ill. We partly know what's wrong with him, but he's having tests later today up the hospital. Can only hope for the best. Peace :)
I've learnt recently about judging people. I met someone a while ago, but I never took the time to talk to them properly and find out who they are. Then I started to get fucked off, because they were everywhere that I went. Most aspects of my life, there they would be. But then it turned out that she's a really brilliant person. She understands most of the shit I go through with guys, and because she knows who they are she's able to understand better than most. I can talk to her about anything and automatically trust her. Recently I don't know where I'd be without her. So if you ever stumble on this, I'm sorry I judged you in the beginning, & I love you for sure :)
Me and my friend Holly, we live our lives now by 'The Wise Words of Sam.' This would be in refferance to Sam who we met at Tap just after Christmas. Whenever either of us are down we just remind eachother of 'The Wise Words of Sam' and we remember that there's actually no reason why we should care what others think of us, tomorrow's always a new day and that people will always treat you like shit no matter where you go, but life goes on, and you'll always get through. This in ways goes to show hoow much one person can inspire you in the space of just an hour. I wish I could have the same out look on life as Sam, and be able to inspire people as he does. I suppose he doesn't see it himself.
Whatever I do here forward, is going to be for myself, or for Darryl. There's no reason why anyone else should matter in all honesty. Not that I don't love everyone else who's a part of my life, but everyone's changed including myself. People come in and out of my life like a fucking public toilet and nothing lasts forever. There's no reason why I should care what people think of me, when in reality I know that they won't be in my life forever. As long as I'm happy with the person that I am then I should have to change how I look or act for everyone else's pleasure.
I listen from music to Suicide Silence to Kasabian to Lady Gaga. I wear dresses and Bring Me The Horizon t-shirts and dorky glasses. I have friends who are slags, chavs, indie, and scene, emo and chemo, some you can't label at all. So good luck trying to label me, or taking a dislike to me because of something to do with my appearance. I don't try to fit in, I just do what I like. If that happens to fit in with whatever's 'it' right now, then so be it. I want to make Darryl proud and live my life like it's the only one I'll ever have. Which it is. It's not possible to make everyone happy, so I give up trying. I want to be happy.
Darryl;
It's two months today. 56 days. I still talk to you every night, I just hope you can hear me. I hope you saw me on New Years eve at Robins, I was so drunk, you would have laughed at me so hard. The hangover I had was a killer though, and I had to walk home from Top Road. I almost collapsed when I was home. I walked up Mierscourt Road too. I was talking to you the whole way again, people kept driving and walking past, fuck knows what they must have been thinking about me. It's so hard not to be upset about this still. Everyone told me that it would get easier once I got over the initial shock, and I have I'll admit it. Part of me still doesn't believe it, won't accept it. I can't even say.. That you're. You know. I just say 'when he left' or how you're 'gone'. I don't say goodbye. I don't need to because you're still here. You're just hiding. I know it, but when I say that out loud, people feel too awkward to say anything about how insane I must sound. Or they just go along with it, talking to me like I'm a child. I wish I'd been able to go to Southampton. Maybe things would have turned out differently to how they have now, but I didn't have enough money for my tattoo and that's what I want most of all from the trip. But I'm going to start putting money aside as soon as I've got my tickets for 30STM. I heard your mum got a tattoo the other day, one that you'd designed. One good thing that's come from this heartbreak is that I feel like I have a second family now. I love your friends and family as my own, but I can't help but wish that it would be happening with you there, part of it. I wish I could still text you and complain about my photography teacher picking on me. I wish it would rain instead of snow so I could feel like I was with you again. There's certain thoughts and memories of you which keep me going. I look at you and I think, those eyes once looked into mine. They saw my eyes, they saw me. Into me. Your smile once smiled at me, the dimples that showed through were mine in that moment. Your arms once held me, and showed me that you would be there only place that I would feel safe in from that moment forward. I have to hold onto those thoughts and memories, because my life does depend on it. You were mine for one night. & I'll never let it go. I love you sunshine, always and forever.
I might not be around much over the next few weeks, that includes Facebook, MSN, MySpace, school, Chatham blablabla. I'm pretty much going underground for a while as my dad's really ill. We partly know what's wrong with him, but he's having tests later today up the hospital. Can only hope for the best. Peace :)
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