Surrender to nothing..

I'm not one of those people, who says at the start of a new year 'new year, new me.' I just think that's the biggest load of crap I've heard for a long time in all honesty. They'll all be complaining in status' on Facebook again after a number of days. I don't understand why a new year has to start in order for people to change how they are or how they act. If your personality or life is seriously that bad that change is needed, then why wait? Just because it's a new year, it doesn't make a difference to how well things go. For me, a new year just shows me how fast my life is going by. I can still remember days from primary school like they were yesterday. Things people have told me. Friends I've had and lost. I really hate how things have to change sometimes, but 'that's life' as I've been told so many times. I guess I have to learn to accept that I won't always be happy, people won't always like me, friends won't always be there, and I will always miss him. Nothing ever goes right for more than a number of days in this life, but I need to be grateful for all the things that I do have instead of dwelling on what I don't. I have a handfull of seriously good friends which is better than having loads of really shit ones. I have a family that cares about me, when I open my eyes and see it. I have a house with heating. Food in the cupboard. I have the most amazing person up in heaven watching over me. Being without him is like being without oxygen, but he's still there. I'm not completely failing school, which is better than being thrown out for my terrible grades. Well frankly I have to be happy with what I have, because it's not going to change anytime soon, new year or not.
I've learnt recently about judging people. I met someone a while ago, but I never took the time to talk to them properly and find out who they are. Then I started to get fucked off, because they were everywhere that I went. Most aspects of my life, there they would be. But then it turned out that she's a really brilliant person. She understands most of the shit I go through with guys, and because she knows who they are she's able to understand better than most. I can talk to her about anything and automatically trust her. Recently I don't know where I'd be without her. So if you ever stumble on this, I'm sorry I judged you in the beginning, & I love you for sure :)
Me and my friend Holly, we live our lives now by 'The Wise Words of Sam.' This would be in refferance to Sam who we met at Tap just after Christmas. Whenever either of us are down we just remind eachother of 'The Wise Words of Sam' and we remember that there's actually no reason why we should care what others think of us, tomorrow's always a new day and that people will always treat you like shit no matter where you go, but life goes on, and you'll always get through. This in ways goes to show hoow much one person can inspire you in the space of just an hour. I wish I could have the same out look on life as Sam, and be able to inspire people as he does. I suppose he doesn't see it himself.
Whatever I do here forward, is going to be for myself, or for Darryl. There's no reason why anyone else should matter in all honesty. Not that I don't love everyone else who's a part of my life, but everyone's changed including myself. People come in and out of my life like a fucking public toilet and nothing lasts forever. There's no reason why I should care what people think of me, when in reality I know that they won't be in my life forever. As long as I'm happy with the person that I am then I should have to change how I look or act for everyone else's pleasure.
I listen from music to Suicide Silence to Kasabian to Lady Gaga. I wear dresses and Bring Me The Horizon t-shirts and dorky glasses. I have friends who are slags, chavs, indie, and scene, emo and chemo, some you can't label at all. So good luck trying to label me, or taking a dislike to me because of something to do with my appearance. I don't try to fit in, I just do what I like. If that happens to fit in with whatever's 'it' right now, then so be it. I want to make Darryl proud and live my life like it's the only one I'll ever have. Which it is. It's not possible to make everyone happy, so I give up trying. I want to be happy.

Darryl;
It's two months today. 56 days. I still talk to you every night, I just hope you can hear me. I hope you saw me on New Years eve at Robins, I was so drunk, you would have laughed at me so hard. The hangover I had was a killer though, and I had to walk home from Top Road. I almost collapsed when I was home. I walked up Mierscourt Road too. I was talking to you the whole way again, people kept driving and walking past, fuck knows what they must have been thinking about me. It's so hard not to be upset about this still. Everyone told me that it would get easier once I got over the initial shock, and I have I'll admit it. Part of me still doesn't believe it, won't accept it. I can't even say.. That you're. You know. I just say 'when he left' or how you're 'gone'. I don't say goodbye. I don't need to because you're still here. You're just hiding. I know it, but when I say that out loud, people feel too awkward to say anything about how insane I must sound. Or they just go along with it, talking to me like I'm a child. I wish I'd been able to go to Southampton. Maybe things would have turned out differently to how they have now, but I didn't have enough money for my tattoo and that's what I want most of all from the trip. But I'm going to start putting money aside as soon as I've got my tickets for 30STM. I heard your mum got a tattoo the other day, one that you'd designed. One good thing that's come from this heartbreak is that I feel like I have a second family now. I love your friends and family as my own, but I can't help but wish that it would be happening with you there, part of it. I wish I could still text you and complain about my photography teacher picking on me. I wish it would rain instead of snow so I could feel like I was with you again. There's certain thoughts and memories of you which keep me going. I look at you and I think, those eyes once looked into mine. They saw my eyes, they saw me. Into me. Your smile once smiled at me, the dimples that showed through were mine in that moment. Your arms once held me, and showed me that you would be there only place that I would feel safe in from that moment forward. I have to hold onto those thoughts and memories, because my life does depend on it. You were mine for one night. & I'll never let it go. I love you sunshine, always and forever.


I might not be around much over the next few weeks, that includes Facebook, MSN, MySpace, school, Chatham blablabla. I'm pretty much going underground for a while as my dad's really ill. We partly know what's wrong with him, but he's having tests later today up the hospital. Can only hope for the best. Peace :)