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28|21
You are so beautiful, you are the kind of girl that has the chemicals, that make me fall in love.

What exactly is it that defines everything? Defines how beautiful someone is. Defines who's worthy of our affection and who isn't. Defines what's laughable, what's good enough to dance to, and what isn't. I pretty much had a monumental day yesterday, for a number of reasons.
Well, firstly im now single. And that's made me happier than most. I have no idea why I was so worried about hurting him, because he even told me that he didn't care anymore, so it couldn't have been made any clearer. But now the freedom that's tidalwaved over me is such an unbelievable relief. The thing that I find funny is that people are worrying about me. But they don't understand that I was never cut out for a relationship after Darryl anyway. It just doesn't feel right. It felt like some uncomfortable lump of guilt in my chest and this weight on my shoulders. It's almost been lifted. But I know it'll always be there, it'll just change and hurt in different ways throughout my life. It's the kind of pain that never leaves you.

30|12
I pretty much had a terrible day today. The worst I've had since the day he left and the few days following. And I guess it's been so bad for the most pathetic of reasons. I wanted a webbing piercing (basically the funny part under your tounge) but Andy Jay refused to pierce mine. In reality I'd love facial piercings but my parents would kill me to put it bluntly. So I left the shop the same as i'd entered it. Oh the dissapointment was unreal. BUT if i promise myself anything for next year it's this: 'another piercing. Doesn't matter what, doesn't matter why. Just another piercing' I swear they're addictive. And then there was you. I don't understand you one tiny bit! You know what, I just hope you have fun on newyears. Hope she's worth it really. But it's not as if you'd care about me being upset or off with you or anything like that right now, because you're hardly fucking talking to me. And in all honesty I have no fucking idea why? It's insane that wherever the hell I go there's something of you there. The whole day I was convinced I might just bump into you. And yeah I really wasn't in the possition for that to happen, rain & hair does not mix well when it's Rachel(hyphon)Katy. But part of me really wanted to see you. I guess it's just because you've taught me to ignore what people think, not let all the tiny things let me down. But I just can't seem to apply that thinking to you. I suppose that's the problem. You understood how I feltabout Darryl sometimes, becausse you felt it true. Like when you miss someone so much you feel sick to the pit of your stomach. I miss it when you used to worry about how I was, how i felt, because right now I honestly feel like you couldn't give a damn. And what hurts most is how much I wish you would. I hate how this seems to always happen to me. I meet people, and then they change. It's happened to me so much this year and I'm just sick of it. Why do things change? People don't actually seem to realise that everything they do effects the people around them. For example, you're off with me, i get in a bad mood, my friends worry about me and my parents worry about me. Just because of you acting that way with me for whatever unknown reason, a whole load more people are effected than you first thought. People don't think like that, and maybe they shouldn't. Maybe it's just too complicated for the human race to actually think about the consequences of their actions. Maybe that would just make life too easy.
God i'l admit i'm so much happier being single. But i'd be a whole lot happier if i knew exactly what i'd done wrong for you to suddenly be all short with me. There's no explanation I can think of. And I know I've been here once before. Theres the stages. First, where you meet and everythings all happy and sunshine. Then things change, you try your hardest to get things back to normal but fail. And then you start to think about what it is that made everything change, and the only thing you can find to blame is yourself. & this is what I'm going through. Im competely blaming myself. Im blaming the face that I dont have any stupid facial piercings. That my hair it's a stupid brown|red and ever stays straight enough. That my eyes are boring brown. I pretty much look like any other girl. That my boobs aren't big enough and that i wear my clothes completely wrong. I thought I may just have been good enough for you once, I suppose I was just blind. I wish I could change to make you want me. I think everyone has someone in the world they would do that for. But there's something wrong in the fact that there's too many people I would do it for.

& every second i waste is more than i can take. im so numb i can feel you there, i've become so tired, so much more aware. By becoming this all i want to do, is be more like me and be less like you. And i know, i may end up failing you.


I can only hope that the new year will bring exactly what it says. 'New'. New people for starters, not that I would change the people that I've met towards the end of this year for anything, it's just, I need to meet more.I want to get more into my photography. Building things up for myself. I had two offers at Tap in sunday to do photography for bands, so that's a big step forward. I want to find a way to be happier in myself. But i dont know how im going to do that. I want to be able to care what people think less. I don't know what else I want, but I know i'd give anything to be able to spend next year with Darryl. Just anything.
Okay so I'd like to seriously thank two people that I met towards the end of this year. I don't know either of them at all well but they've kept me going in completely different ways. I'm not sure if either of you will read this, but I can only hope.
Sam Craddock. (forgive me if i spelt your name wrong). That night that we met at Tap, I pretty much discovered someone who has one of the best out looks on life. You helped to remind me that life has to go on after the most painful of things. Like you said, there's always tomorrow, there's always a new day. Thankyou for brigntening me up. I hope i'l see you again soon hun.
Joella Colwell. You've been such a rock to me ever since we lost Darryl. The pain I feel cannot possibly compare to the best friend that you've lost, yet regardless you still magane to find the strength to help me through. I would have killed myself if it wasn't for you.And that pretty much is the cold hard truth. I can't find the words to thank you for being there for me and for helping me see sense. He'd be so proud of you, of who you are and what you've done. He's watching us I know it.

Darryl
I know i keep saying it, but i wouldn't be in this mess if you were here. Im sorry I keep saying that to you over and over again, but it's just so true. If you were here with me now,  i know that i wouldn't care what anyone else thought of me. I'd be happy in myself, happy in being with you. You'd be everything, and that would be just perfect. I wished you were here so much today. I keep wishing and wishing for things over and over again but none of them seem to come true. I suppose i should have learnt that from the last time I really wished for something. That was when I heard about you being in hospital. I wished and prayed so hard, but it didn't work. I wish i knew why. See, there I go again, wishing. I still can't read the newspapers. I can't bring myself to do it. I actually walked into a petrol station, and glanced at the papers outside and there you were similing back at me on the front cover. It almost sickens me in a way. I just want to escape everything, I think that part of me still hasnt accepted that you're gone. But if you weren't gone, then I wouldn't feel this gaping hole in my chest threatening to swallow me whole. If you werent gone then I wouldnt have a reason to cry myself to panic attacks. I know, i know deep in my mind and my heart that you wouldn't want me to feel like this. But for fuck sake Darryl have you ever tried living without you? It's harder than you'd ever imagine. I should be spending new years with you. Next year with you. I'd love that more than anything else in the world. Yet now for the rest of my life I'l be forced to settle for second best. That's the harsh reality of it. Nothing compares to you. I hope you've got The Rev up there with you now baby, that'd be completely awesome for you. I love you Darryl, more than you will ever know. & even though every day that goes by i seem to break that little bit more, i know one day I'll see you again. It's the only thing that keeps me going. See you soon baby, just wait. Always.

If you don't want me then I guess I'll have to go. Not loving you is harder than you know.
-Escape The Fate, Harder Than You Know

Liar, liar, if we're keeping score

But my dreams they aren't as empty,

as my concience seems to be.

I have hours - only lonely.

My lovers vengance,

that's never free.

If it's one thing that I really don't like, it's someone who lies for no reason. You would have thought that todays generation would have learnt something from watching Pinnocheo as a kid. Clearly you didn't. It was other the most pathetic thing as well, which I guess is what bothers me the most. Maybe I can't trust you as much as I thought I could? I really don't know right now. But seriously. This is how it went.
j:'Come out friday'

r:'Okay sure'

-friday-

j:'I'm not going out tonight :('

r:'Okay, no worries, go on facebook, I left you a message :}'

j:'Alright, will do when I get in'

The thing is, you can't even deny that you lied, because it's crystal clear that you did, jheezeee you're such an idiot. Thing is, you think I care that you didn't go on facebook? NO. I care that you lied when there was no need? You coulda just said there was no room for me & Amy or something, I didn't particulalry want to go anyway. It's not as if you were even lying to protect me. I don't understand it. Oh well.

Freeze the things that you love, & I shall let them fall all over her.

I guess there's a certain person I should thank right now. Well there's a few actually, but I'm just going to start off with this one person. I'm not going to say names, there's no point, because he'll never read this. Thankyou for just being my friend. For treating me like a normal person, being random with me like he was. For not thinking that you should be nice to me, feel sorry for me, just because of what I've lost. Thankyou for acting like you care. & Talking things through with me when the other half fucks me off. In such a short time, you've grown to mean a lot to me. Please don't leave me? I love you wife. Maybe one day we can order Pizza after a gig?

Another thankyou to my family, and mainly my sisters. I guess because of the age gap, it means we've never exactly had the chance to be terribly close. But recently I've been shown how strong a family needs to be, and mine means ever so much to me. Thankyou for being as understanding as possible, and I'm sorry for all the days that I shut you out. I promise to try harder. If not for you, not for me, for him.

To all of his friends & family, I cannot thankyou enough for being so kind to me. Thankyou for just talking to me, and making me feel a part of all of this. I wish I could have met you all under better circumstances, but I'm happy to have met you all the same. He was lucky to have you all in his life, as you were to have him in yours. We'll all make it through.

Darryl,

when you were here, everything was so perfect, I couldn't have asked for anything or anyone better in my life. But now, everything's so fucked up. I don't know who or what I want. Well, if it were possible, I'd have you for the rest of my life. If anyone asked me if I could have anything in the world, what would it be, I'd say you every single time. But I have to find a way to be happy without you. & Well I'm still working on that. I thought I'd found what would make me happy, and well that's only up and down, and now I'm not so sure. & Something else has come along which makes me happy too. But I can't have it. I'm just so confused, if you were here, I wouldn't be in this mess. I wish I could talk to you. Just take a break from all this, sit down and spend some time with you. Christmas doesn't feel like it should this year. I saw another sign today. Just this bright gold star on the floor. It made me smile endlessly. I miss you so much, I miss how you made everything alright. Sometimes I just feel like I should stop trying, give up with everything, with life and just fall in a heap on the floor. I'm not too sure if any of my friends would care right now. I'd do anything to have you back. I'll see you again one day, just promise me you'll watch until then. I'll love you forever.

8|12|2009; a month

has flown by without you. And I'm not exactly sure if it's supposed to go past slowly or quick?

I've taken each day as it came. I've tried to live each day as you'd want me to, and I'm trying to keep up with doing whatever it takes make me happy now. It is getting easier, I'll admit. I was thinking though; when people pass away, and they go to 'heaven' - or wherever it is people go when they leave this Earth - don't they usually join the people who have passed before them? So, who do you have up there with you? Grandparents? Friends? I don't know, I never got to find out. It does comfort me knowing that when I finally pass away myself, I'll be with you again, and we have the rest of eternity to do whatever the fuck we want. But I hope that your not alone up there, just watching down on us all. I wish I could be there with you, just to hold you and let you know I'll be with you soon, whenever my destiny decides is right.
It's the common sense which I have in my head that tells me to be realistic about this. I see the smallest things, which link back to you, and I think that it's you sending signs. This evenning, faces in the pavement. Just now, I looked at my watch, just to realise that it's been upside down all day. Today in media, Aslan from The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe randomly came up in conversation. It always seems to be the smallest things now. But if I didn't believe that you were somewhere watching me still, looking after me, then in all honesty I'm pretty sure I'd have gone insane. I suppose you changed my life in such a major way, that I can't imagine it without you. And even though I can't feel you, or hold you, or hear your voice in a way that's real anymore, I still feel you there. When I'm nervous, or scared or upset, I can just close my eyes and feel you there right next to me. That's why I'm convinced you're just hiding from me still. Just running about, following me to keep me safe. But then I think, out of all of us that you left behind, there's no reason why you would choose to look after me, when you have all your friends and family to look after too. It's not that I doubt you, I never have, never will. It's just that I doubt myself.
I've started to doubt myself a lot and a lot less at the same time recently. I doubt how much of a good daughter I am, a good friend, a good girlfriend (yeah, James Turner). I pin it down to parents evening and the day after speciffically. Firstly on parents evening, my friends are told not to let me drag them down in photography? Fucking excuse me? I love how I'm always the one to get in trouble, when they sit there painting their fucking nails and I'm just talking. Nice one mate, nice one thinking it wouldn't get back to me too. And telling my parents that I have an attitude problem and don't seem to be that bothered in the lesson? Photography is my life. How can I not be bothered? I go up during my free's and work, which is a lot more than everyone else in the class does. But, you know, I'm just going to ignore you, your just a teacher. I took photography because I wanted to, and because I think it's the only thing on this fucking Earth I may just be good at. So don't you fucking dare try to take that away from me. I'll prove you wrong. Every single one of you. Also, I suppose I should have relised that by having you for a best friend, that sometimes you'd make me feel like this. You've always been loud and bitchy. And I suppose that you just put others down to make you feel better about yourself. But it does hurt. Why compare us infront of my boyfriend? I realise you got double A's, and I got a C and a U, but seriously, as if I wasn't done in enough about it already. But hey ho, that's life, I love you all the same. I'll catch up to you eventually.
So I guess now I have to explain the boyfriend which I've mentioned about twice now. Okay so he's called James. If anyone even dares to think that I'm over Darryl.. Just.. I'm not. You don't get over loosing someone you love like that. James won't replace Darryl, he doesn't want to. He just makes me happy. & I know that's what Darryl wants. When I'm with James, my heart starts to heal. When I'm not with him, it just starts to tear up all over again. James is part of my healing process. He doesn't mean that I think about Darryl any less, infact I think about him more. James isn't anything like Darryl, which is the best part. Darryl will always something different, someone in his own legue. James understands the best that he can. And if anyone wants to judge me about having a boyfriend now, then feel free. I knew it was going to come out sooner or later, so it was better to come from me. I just hope your all pleased that I'm happier now. Darryl's still in my heart, and he's never leaving me. I shouldn't have to explain this anyway. You wouldn't understand. 

I thank God, or whoever it us up there, every single day for giving me that night with you. Yesterday, it was a month since I saw you last, since I spent that night with you. And it was exactly the same. It was dark and the rain was just drizzle. Driving down the same road. But not the same car. The wrong driver, the wrong emotions. I just sat in the car and cried. I pulled my hood down and shut my eyes tight, and I didn't feel my mum next to me anymore. I felt you. I genuinely believed that I would open my eyes, and be there with you, sitting there, singing like we would. I've never believed in something so much in my life. But it broke me just that bit more. But I'm gratefull for the inspiration that you give me every day, the motivation that you give me every morning, and the love and friends you surround me with.

I'll always love you Darryl.

Southampton soon.

I hope your with me then, I don't think I could go through it without you.

Hold on tight baby.

Furniture.

I am only flesh and bones,
splintered glass and tattered clothes,

behind the skin, my fragility,

behind the skin, a skeletal impracticality,

I am only pieces of you,

held together with paper glue,

behind the skin, my divinity

behind the skin, my only sanctuary.

You can lean on me, have a drink on me,

leave your mark all over me,

paint the outside 'till it smiles,

you can eat off me, rest your head on me,

press yourself on top of me,

kick the back until its quiet.

All in all I'm just furniture,

Just another piece taking you one step further from the perfect living room set,

All in all I'm just furniture,

In these 4 walls that hold me, keep me safe under sound and bare within its grip.

My wooden heart it sings no more,

this dress I wear becomes the floor,

behind the skin, a living, breathing thing,

behind the skin, a place you've never been.

You can lean on me, have a drink on me,

leave your mark all over me,

paint the outside 'till it smiles,

you can eat off me, rest your head on me,

press yourself on top of me,

kick the back until its quiet.

All in all I'm just furniture,

just another piece taking you one step further from the perfect living room set,

all in all I'm just furniture,

in these 4 walls that hold me, keep me safe under sound and bare within its grip.

I am only flesh and bones,

Splintered glass and tattered clothes.

I've had an epiffany...

In the past 18 days, I've changed so much, and I've learnt so much about myself and others, which I never knew was possible. Firsty, I've deffinantly learnt who my true friends are, and how they are beautifully rare, and special. In ways it breaks me that they aren't who I always thought they would be, far from it infact. When I think back to the begining of the year, I was sure that I could count on a deffinant hand full or friends to be there for me for years to come, through thick and thin and the inbetween. But that all fell through and turned out to be somewhat, a lie. You'd think that after 5 years of friendship, that it would be strong enough to withstand the troubles of guys, exams and taking different paths once leaving school. But I'll tell you now, it's certainly not. I suppose that, that goes to show how you can spend all of your time with one person for an amount of years, and yet not know them at all. It's all part of life I suppose, you learn that you can trust no one, and know no one truely apart from yourself.

But in these weeks, my true friends have shined through everything. It's been shown, in my personal life, and also in the news that tragedy brings people closer together. Once Darryl passed away I was so convinced that I had nothing left on this Earth to live for, nothing that could compare to him. But going into school and opening my eyes to everything surrounding me made me realise how life does go on for everyone else, and so it must do for you. Going into school was quite possibly the best thing for me. Surrounding myself with friends who didn't persist me with questions like 'are you okay?' when it was clear to anyone who knew me that I wasn't. People who were happy for me to sometimes walk along in silence, then randomly speak of how he once compared me to the rain, and that is why I smile so, because it reminds me of him. Those who didn't think I was insane when I said that I felt like he was just hinding from me, on the roof of the building, following me to make sure I was safe. Like a guardian angel of sorts. And those who didn't make a fuss when I started to cry.

I've realised how I have to do what ever it takes to make myself and those around me as happy as I possibly can. I'm trying to be a good friend to those who have done so for me. I'm living in the moment. This would lead to my going up to South Hampton after Christmas, to stay in my friends uni accomidation and get a tattoo in honour of Darryl. The thing is, I really couldn't care less about what my parents will say or do if they happen to see it. I know I won't be able to hide it forever. But I know that if I don't do this, then I will regret it for the rest of my life. It's not the kind of tattoo that I will regret, it's part of who I am, and the best way that I can honour someone as important to me as Darryl. After all, he's proof that life's too short, and that we could all die tomorrow for all we know. I suppoise thos is what we can call living for today. Remembering my past and learning from it, living in my present, and aiming for my future.

I can't wait to go to South Hampton. In all honesty, I'm more excited about getting away for a few days than I am about Christmas. I'm getting stressed with the prospect of the same thing day in day out. My day, every day; Wake up, look at photos of Darryl, get ready for school, walk to the end of my road and get picked up (remember Darryl) go to school, see Amy, James and Chris, lessons, see Amy, James and Chris, walk home (think about Darryl), get home, argue with parents, dinner, facebook (think about Darryl), homework, film (think about Darryl), shower, bed (think about Darryl) dream about Darryl. Going to South Hampton will just give me that chance to get away from everything, being reminded of all the memories that I have of Darryl, but also I'll be surrounded by people who knew him, so I'll be able to talk about it a lot better. Also I'll be away from my family, those complete pricks I used to call my best friends, away from my room. I'm sure it will be amazing. It's just what I need. I can only hope that my parents will be alright with it. I don't see why not, but I'm not exactly known for the most laid back of parents.
I used to be scared, but now I just want to see the world. I was to go to London, to go site seeing, to go to Camden, to try and figure out the tube system. I want to drink every weekend, and take too many drunk photos of me and my friends. I want to stay up on the phone to my best friend just laughing my head off at her. I want to think about Darryl, and manage to be happy, and stop this hole in my chest from threatening to swallow me whole. I want to go on holiday, with out my parents. I want to move out. I want to learn from my own mistakes, not from what I've seen or heard from others. I want to go to gigs with thousands of people. I want to stop being paranoid about people talking about me. About what people think about me.

All in all, it's time for a change. It's starting now.

Peace.

Cold Water.

I don't exactly know what to write on here about you. People locally will have heard by now, because your on the front of the paper. This is so surreal. I'm, like many others, are convinced that I'll just wake up any minute now, that this is just some fucked up nightmare. I miss you. I feel like I took your last hours from you. I hope they weren't wasted on me. We could have gone far me and you. It's like it was destiny. You were perfect. But I guess it was a time bomb waiting to go off, I guess I'll never know why it had to be when it was. Why you had to be taken from me so soon, just as I'd found you I'd lost you. Your family are being immensely strong, it just amazes me. I felt terrible for crying like I did in front of them. But I understand, that they have to be strong for you, eachother, your brothers, the rest of your family, your friends. I just have to be strong for you. I'm not bothered about being strong for any one else. They can't understand this pain, so why do they pretend? I think your watching me in all honesty. My common sense in ways, refuses to let me believe it, how can you believe in a heaven without a God? But no one can truely know. Only you know where you are, all we can do is hope that it's a better place than this shit hole that you left us in. My heart breaks for you. You didn't deserve to have your life taken from you when you were so long, and when we had so much left to do. All your ex's, I hate them. I envy them so much. Because they had this time with you, which was stolen from me, they were close with you in a way, that I didn't want to rush into, because I thought I had the rest of forever with you. But I keep playing the last night over and over, and I play it differently. I pretend that it didn't go the way it did. Not saying that it wasn't perfect, because it was. You've made me the happiest I've been in such a long time. I just pretend that we had made that night last forever, that we had more time, no limits. I wish I'd told you how I felt. Because now I know that I was falling in love with you. I hope you don't mind me saying you were my boyfriend, because I know you weren't. I'm not insane, yet, but it just makes it easier to explain to people why I feel the way I do. That way they might just have a glimpse of understanding.
But I think you were in the rain yesterday, and the day before. I think that was you. It felt like you. I hope you saw the way that I smiled. And I think you were there the night I thought about drowining myself. I know you'll think that I'm being stupid for being so upset about this, but you were always modest, and never really saw how truely amazing you are. But I'm only living my life for you. If i had the guts, I would take my life in the vain hope that I could be with you again. But I won't, because I have friends, who I never realised I had. And I have a good family, somtimes. And I have memorys, and the fact that you would want me to be happy. So, my life now, is for you. A search for happiness in a world without you. I have to do it. It may be inpossible, but like you, once I get started on something, no one can stop me. But never forget I'm doing it for you. I have to leave a good life behind just so I can find you wherever you are when my time comes.
You've inspired me to be a better person, I have to leave behind some kind of impact when I go, just like you did on me. The world is empty without you. Things need to be accepted for what they are, as well as what they could be.
I hope your at peace baby.
I love you.
Darryl Thomas Ian Bell. 18.12.90-8.11.09 (L).
I'll carry you with me for forever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaAnuDQv2SI

It's a High School Musical day..

I have no idea how I feel right now. I guess it's such a mixture of things, I have no idea where I stand right now with anything at all in my life.
I feel like my best friend is trying to push me out of his life to make his girlfriend happy. It annoys me how he allows her to controll him. He's convinced that he's so completely in love with her, but I've known them both for a very long time, and I can just seem them destroying eachother. They haven't even been together a month and you can see that they don't trust eachother. He won't even tell her when he's with me. I'm just his best friend. Friend being the operative word. Honestly, I love him to pieces, but if anything in that way almost happened, I think I'd throw up. I can't express it, but just no. But, even though I'm loosing my best friend because of her, I'll still have to be there whenever he needs to complain, even though I wont be bothered about it anymore. As far as I'm conserned, he's changed. Give it time. You'll see.
Parents. Fucking hell, who invented them? I hate the way that they're so sencible. And they're going on holiday to Scotland next year. Funny how they don't have a problem with leaving me home alone anymore, it's not as if my sister can look after me because she's finally found a job. I don't know what they're expecting me to do. And my mum just made me take my stretcher out! FML, that's fucked me off. They're so restraining, they won't let me be who I want to be, they treat me as if I'm still 6 years old. They don't trust me. Just GRRR! They won't let me express my self at all, I'm 16 for christ sake. Just they wait till I'm at uni. GRRRRRRRR. I'll just have to find another way.
Wow, saturday. You, you made me happy for just that little while. You made me forget about everything for a time, and all i could focus on was you. I'm not entirely sure what happened. But I'm sure you must have felt something? Even the tiniest thing, when me and you were hugging in the porch. Maybe it was just me who felt like it was forever. -OW MY EAR HURTS- but, knwoing me I fucked it up the next morning, by talking about it to Georgie and I'm pretty sure. I know, that you'll just see me as some stupid kid who takes a drunken hug too seriously. But part of me thinks you only backed off because your sister told you to. I don't even know why Holly told you to do that.. I don't know if it was because she doesnt trust me, or you. I really don't understand. She knows I had a crush on you before her party, I thought you were fit before I even know you and her were related. She used to try and encourage us. Like, she's make me walk over to hers just to see you, I thought she was alright with it? She knows everything that's been happening recently with guys, so I thought she would have seen that as a good thing? I DONT GET IT! Sigh, sigh, sigh. Maybe I should talk to you first, see how that goes, then talk to her?
Maybe I'm over reacting? AHHHH SHUT UP HEAD. I dont want to care about anything anymore ;( fucking hell.
We'll see. Things will change. They have to.

But up till now, I've always been afraid.

One song about a boy,

Can't breathe when I'm around him.

I wait here every day,

Incase I scratch the surface.

He'll never notice.

I'm not in love,

This is not my heart.

I'm not going to waste these words,

About a boy.

How are we supposed to know when it's the right time to give up and move on? I have no idea, if you like me or not, or if you like her, or if your just playing the field. I hate all of this confusion. I've been messed around for the past 6 months and I don't want to get into that kind of mess all over again. In all honestly, although she is a good friend to me, and she knows how i feel about you, I have a gut feeling that she likes you, and that you like her. Well, people agree that she likes you. I treid to ignore the way you are together, but I can't. The thing is, I'd never do this to her. If i knew that she liked someone I wouldn't go out of my way to get them to like me instead of her. So I don't understand why she's doing this to me?

I just want something to go right for once. The past half a year of my life has been so shit you wouldn't believe, and last week I was genuinely happy for the first time in what's felt like forever. I know it was too good to be true, it always is.

Just prove me wrong.

Please. I'm not asking for much, just some hope.

This is what the edge of your seat was made for..

Im afraid that it's got to the point where I only feel alive, when I'm in front of a stage, having my thoughts blasted from my mind by the huge amps to the left of me, watching a tall dark guy scream out his emotion in front of my eyes. I never really thought that I would get to the point where that was the only thing which made me feel truely happy and weightless. It's like, when i'm there, I can just forget everything, and loose myself in the moment. It's made me start to think about preforming. Yeah, me, Rachel, who gets nervous about reading out in class. Preforming. In front of people. I guess I've always wanted to do it. But I'm not good enough, so I guess that'll be another dream abandonned at the sidelines.
I'm starting to feel like everything's falling apart. Like, the people who always see so happy to me, deep down I know they're not. It makes everything look like a lie. I don't know who to trust, being friends with someone won't stop them from hurting you anymore these days.
I'm scared that you'll like her and not me. She's more confident, she has the guts to actually talk to you. And now everything's over for her and Luke, she has been talking about you a lot more, and tbh I really don't like it. After everything with Alex, I just wanted to find a way for me to be happy, and for everything to be over and done with. But it's never as simple as that is it? I thought you we're going to be the one who could change things for me. But now I'm not so sure. I have no idea how I can put so much faith into one person. How could one person possibly turn the whole of your life around for the good? I've seen someone change it for the worse, many a time, and when it's for the good, it's never lasted.
I feel like I've always been second best. I've never come first for anyone. I want so desperately for things to change, but I guess they are, and I just haven't noticed. But things are chaning for the worst when I think about it. Friends are changing, I don't know who to trust. I don't know who I am, and I don't know who I want to be. I'm the kind of person where everything has to be planned out and perfect. But fuck it, I don't want to be like that anymore. I guess what ever happens, happens. I'll have to live with it.
I just hope you can see something in me. It may take a while, but I promise if you do look really hard, and for long enough, then you'll see something. The dying light inside of me. But I think you're the only one who can save me.

Appoligies, glances and messed up chances.

For starters, I feel like I have to write a list. So this is my list of things to do;

• Wade my way through the Media film list. (Little help?)
• Sort out Medway Plus shit, that I really don't understand.
• Buy some new clothes!
• Revise all my Philosophy and Ethics.
• Talk to more different people.
• See everyone from summer again!
• Buy a camera.
• Get rid of throat infection!
• Finish 'The Kite Runner'
• Go Manor with Jamesyy
• Go cinema with Amy, Aaron, Luke, Henna, & J.Turner?
• Save more monies, because I'm amazingly poor
• Print off photos
• Halloween!

I suppose I could say that I have quite a few reasons to be happy right now. I've had the best day that i've had in a long time, and it wasn't even anything special. I'd like to say it was the weather, but I was freezing for most of the day, and towards the end it decided to rain. But I suppose in a way I've opened my eyes. All I needed to get over you, was another person to come along. To be frank, this is actually amazing, to have someone on my mind that isn't you, to be happy for once in a while, to look forward to school, to not get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach everytime you come online, and to not get upset at the smallest things you do or say. I'm finally happy, and all I had to do what get out there, get away from you and try my hardest to move on.
But there's always going to be this part of me that's hung up on you. I'm not over you, and I doubt that I will be for a very long time. But I think that I deserve to move on. And I think that I deserve to be happy after about half a year of being fucked around by you.
To be frank, I owe my friends a lot. They put up with me through eveything, the ups and downs I went through, tried their best to make me happy, told me to forget you. Supported me, even when I didn't listen and went full steam ahead with both eyes closed. I have no idea how I'll ever repay them.They all told me for so long that I could do better, and now I finally see it.
There's actually nothing special about you anymore. You used to be amazing. You used to make me happy, and make me feel like I was actually worth something. But then you changed, and it's like everything that I'd known had become a lie. But I'm leaving you behind. I have friends who'd do anything to see me happy, and I'm not exactly helping them or myself by wasting all my time on you. I suppose this could be seen as a letter of goodbye. I'll think of it that way.
How the fuck can you say 'why does it matter? i'm lucky if you even look at me' HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU SAY THAT? You have no idea, how many times i've thought the exact same thing about you. Finally your getting a glimpse of how i've felt for the last 6 months. But it'll ever compare. I don't understand you. Your always pushing and pulling me. This has just pushed me further, but yet again I've had to rely on my friends to remind me how you never wanted me, how you've never cared. I've found someone, and I'm pretty sure that after the past few days you'll have heard about this. He's everything that you used to be to me. But I think your at least entitled to the majority of the blame of how I find it so hard to trust people now. I'm convinced he'll turn out like you. I'm scared to give it everything I haveYou had it so drummed into my head that I'm worthless, ugly, you have me so convinced that I wasn't good enough for anything. For anyone. But he must see something in me, if he still talks to me after the idiot that I made of myself the other day. I suppose he must see something that you never could. But if I am worthless, that's how you made me. And if I am ugly, that's how you made me too. You made me give up on myself. You'll never have any idea how much you destroyed me, time after time I thought it was going to be different. Not anymore. You walked away, that night you walked home from Nancys, you need to understand that one person can only take so much shit till they leave. I'm done with you.  
Well, as for this new guy. I hope this is finally something which will make me happy. I've never had much luck with relationships. But I honestly have a good feeling here. I think. But we'll see. I just hope he sticks around to find out i'm a nice enough person when I want to be. I hope I'm good enough this time.
♥

HELP

First off, can I just ask, has anyone got any of the following films for me to borrow:

• Dracula
• Gone With The Wind
• Citizen Kane
• Great Expectations
• Singin' In The Rain
• Vertigo
• Rear Window
• Psyco
• Some Like It Hot
• The Graduate
• Any of the Godfather films
• The Deer Hunter
• Pulp Fiction
• Fargo
• Trainspotting
• The Blair Witch Project
• Cloverfield
• The Shawshank Redemption
• Nosferatu, A Symphony Of Terror
• It's A Wonderful Life
• Being John Malcovitch
• In The Heat Of The Night
• One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
• Goodfellas
• The Silence Of The Lambs
• Se7en
• Rebecca
• The Shining
• The Sixth Sence
• Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
• Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
• Kill Bill
• Breakfast at Tiffanys
• Chinatown
• Annie Hall
• The Life Of Brian.

I need to watch them for my Media Studies A-Level, and I'd be like amazingly greatfull if anyone could lend me any of these or tell me a site where I could watch films, because all the ones I used to know have started to fail on me. Thankyou (:

Drama, drama, drama.

I hate how, it doesn't actually matter how you do it, but you always make me breathless. Right now it's because you've made me cry so hard that I actually feel physically sick. Why can't you just care about me for once? If I'm not talking to someone, don't you think there might be a reason for it? Don't you think she might have done something which hurt me? No you just clearly only care weather she's happy or not. Not me. You've just proved me right so I guess I should thank you for that. I knew that there was something with you and her all along, but no one actually seemed to understand, but then they started to see. But it was when they started to see that I just didn't want to hear about it anymore. Every time I saw you in school my heart always felt like it was trying to escape and I felt sick to my stomach. I can't even look you in the eye because I just think about you and her. That's why I'm not talking to her. She couldn't have stabbed me in the back more. I never did this her her and Chhibb. So why is she doing this to me? I've never given her any reason to. I was doing so well up untill about half hour ago. How can you mess me up so easily? She doesn't even bother with me when I'm clearly upset, so yeah, your clearly worrying over a great fucking friend. I love how you've both left MSN at the same time. I hope your fucking guna go see eachother considdering she's told me how close it is many a time. How can I have given up everything for you, let everyone else go, let people walk away, how could I have done it, just for you not to give a fucking damn. You don't care about anything. Nothing. I can't believe how I can actually let one person effect me this much, hurt me so badly. I know how stupid I'm being, I know how James is getting sick of me being depressed over you and I know that people are just tired of me never being happy anymore, but I just can't snap out of it. I know we had something once, but I have no idea where it went. I dont even know if we can find it again. I dn't think we will. I'm not worth that much in the eyes of fate. One thing I miss about the holidays is how I can't dissapear for a few days anymore. I can't just stay in, or just have a laugh with my friends and not see your face, how I can't just leave facebook or MSN. I miss it. Your everwhere I go, I can't escape you. And it's just getting worse and worse every time. Someone help me. I actually feel like I'm falling. Today I was determinned that I was going to decide on my tattoo, and it wasn't going to remind me of you in anyway, I was going to get one which closed this chapter of my life which was all about you. Now I don't want to leave this chapter behind, I don't feel ready to close it. I want that other person to come along and show me what a dick you are, open my eyes to what your really like and make me feel like im worth so much more. But I feel like untill he does show up, I'm just guna be hung up on you, feeling suicidal at every small thing. I hate this. And I hate you for having this controll over me. I hate our past. Mostly I hate how you changed.

I have..

come to the decision that it would be best for me to create a seperate blog for my media studies work. It would seem that these blog things are very good to get your anger out on :)

Fail day.

People say, that before you die, the whole of your life flashes before your eyes. So why when I saw you today, did everything we've been through just automatically start playing through in my head. All these memories. Everything you've ever said. Just started going round and round inside my mind. I was coping before I saw you. I'd managed to make it through till lunch without thinking about everything all that much. Even at break when you didn't turn up, I just thought you we're avoiding me. I expected it. And when I avioded you at lunch today, everyone there knew why. I know I'll have to face you propperly at some point, I can't keep avoiding you when your such a big part of my life. It's just not possible. But just seeing you, walk past. I can't put it into words. It just brought everything back. It was like someone had slapped me round the face and taken all my oxygen away, and all that's left was you. Anyway I need to write my media blog so it would seem. But hey, the problems will still be there later so hmmeh (:
Peace.

Love is a terrible thing..

HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU DO IT. Why? Why fucking ask me out, I mean I realise you'd been drinking but seriously, you weren't that gone. 'I dont want to hurt you any more' fucking hell your full of bullshit aren't you. Now I have to fucking pick up the pieces to the mess that you made. I didn't even agree to ebing with you ffs and you went and told everyone. You know I loved you.  GOD I knew it was fucking lies. Everything. It's just lies. You. Everything about you. It's just a lie. You've never been real. You've never fucking opened up to anyone. You can't even tell me how you feel. Never actually have set me straight on that. But I should have guessed when I noticed that you could never look at me straight, yeah I know, there's a problem with my fucking face but sorry, I can't fucking fix that. Most people have been able to look past how I look, but not you. Your so fucking shallow and egotistic, you think your so fucking amazing and too good for anyone. Your such a fucking cunt, all you do is hurt people and lie. WHY FUCKING DO IT. Oh yeah lets see how things go, oh yeah everyone me and Rach are together now. WTF. Next morning; I don't thinka relationship is the right thing, I dont want to lie to you... BLAFUCKINGBLA GET FUCKED YOU CUNT. Can't believe you left it to me to tell everyone it was over. If you could even say there was anything to be over. We were only 'together' a few hours. I'm sick of you. I'm sick of how you fuck me about all the fucking time. Yeah I lvoe you but wtf, love means nothing to you. I'm better of without you. Don't even bother talking to me at school tomorrow. Your dead to me. I never actually thought you could hurt me this much, but hey, here we are. Good luck to who ever your next fucking victim is. She'll never love you like I did.

Getting this off my chest (:

Okayyyy, so this is going to be nothing to do with my media studies homework, (which I should really get started on) I've just had a shit day, and people seem to want to talk about theirselves so this is the only place I could think of for me to vent. It's a possitive that I know there's not a chance in the world that the people this is about would read this. Stellaaar! :)
Okay lets go with person A.
You my friend, are a complete cock. You need to fucking stop ignoring me for some pathetic reason and not telling me why, then fucking forbidding your girlfriend from talking to me. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK! You can't fucking tell her what to do or who she can talk to. She's guna fucking loose all her fucking friends because of you. She has a life beyond you, you ignorant twat. And how the hell can you expect me to know what I've done so bloody wrong anyway? ONe minute your fine, the next you fucking hate my guts. GROW UP! And the most annoying thing about this? It's her fault. You should never have let her back in. She fucks you up, she fucked us up before, and now your letting her do it all over again? Whats wrong with you? Don't even bother trying to give me that shit about 'hating her', because it's a load of bull* and everyone can see it. You've changed for her all over again. Stupid pikeys. Why don't you learn?
Fuck you. Fuck everything to do with you. Fuck talking to you. Fuck being sorry. I'm always fucking sorry when it comes down to you, just because well to be frank, when you argue with someone, you go too far. And I'd like to avoid that thanks. Do what you like, I'm not going to appoligise when I have no idea what I've done. Nice way to throw away a year ini' mate. :)
Person number 2. I want to scream at you, so loudly sometimes. Just grab you and shake you till your back with me, to how we used to be. Your always different when he's around. I realise he comes first, which is fair enough, but for god sake, he doesn't actually care. He has her now. You know one of the most annoying things about this? Well there's a few actually. But everyone always asks if we're together. Or say that we should be. I mean, I don't see it myself. And no doubt neither do you, clearly. But it's horrible hearing it all the time, like it's a reminder that you don't want me like that anymore. Well maybe you do. But you most likely don't. I never know with you. I'll never forgive you for when you left. I never actually accepted when people told me you were that find of person, to just use someone. Maybe I should have listened to them. But it's been too long now for me to turn back on all of this. I've lost so fucking much for you, you've put me through so much shit. You never could meet me half way. It's horrible having to see you all the time, I never know what to do. I don't know what to do right now. I'm so convinced something will happen on saturday, but that's only because I know what your like when you've been drinking. Robin's was proof of that. But then, what if something does happen? What's school going to be like on monday? I know you'll just end up ashamed like last time, deny anything ever happened and make me look like some desperate slag. Why do I still fucking want you after everything that you've done? I can't trust you. You've hurt me so many times, why do I take it, over and over again? But you changed me. You made me happy and so unhappy at the same time. But it was worth it. Sometimes I wish I could do so many things different. I'd make you listen to me when I warned you about her. I wouldn't let you leave when you did. I'd make things harder for you so that you couldn't just walk away as many times as you did. But sometimes I want you so bad I just can't even look at you. I'll find a way to make things better. But knowing my luck, I'll just make them worse. But i'm not goign to give up trying. It's too late to give up.

I want you mine
Coz when I see your eyesCoz everything everything makes me think of you
And everything everything that I wanna do
I'm wanting you to stay
Why am I running away?
Coz when you hold my hand
I try to pretend
I'm not feeling like I do

I know you can see now when you look at me
I want you, so tell me now

Do you? Do you? Want me too?

Think of you

And everything everything that I wanna do

I know you can see now when you look at me

I want you, so tell me now

Do you? Do you? Want me too?

VERONICAS FTW! Well fun when sung loudly :D

LMFAO. Yeah I think I'm done now. Peacee out.

Friday Evening's Eastenders Episode. 11|O9

Okay so I never actually watch an episode of Eastenders if I can avoid it, and it seems that on this occasion, I was unable to. Media Studies lessons have control over what I watch at home now so it seems. So yeah this post's just going to be me having a rant about last night's diabolical episode of Eastenders. Yeah I really thought it was that terrible.

So the epsiode opened with a scene at the Mitchell household. Well if you can call it a household.. they live over a pub. But yeah, so it would seem that Sam Mitchell has returned from wherever she's been and she's on the run from the poliece from what I can gather. Apparently she covered for someone who killed a chap. Peggy just defends Sam whenever Roxy or anyone gets annoyed with her, and it looks like Sam's started to push Roxy out of the picture.
Then we go to the umm, Cafe i think it is, where Janine and this new guy ( I don't know what he's called.) have been plotting against Chelsea. In a previous episode, Chelsea had won a significant amout of money and was being quite vocal to everyone about it, Janine being Janine, decided to take advantage of this and sold her a bag.. ( yeah I don't get this part, I think it must have been a fake bag or something) but then in last nights episode, Janine's sidekick mugs Chelsea taking back the bag, with all the winnings inside. He then finds her in the Queen Vick later, accusing Janine of paying someone to mug her. He then helps her to find the bag, which he had thrown in the ally, minus her winnings. We then see Janine walking into her flat and finding all the stolen money on the bed.
Going back to the return of Sam, she's now engaged to Ricky, and because she is on the run from the poliece, they are both leaving for Brazil that evening. Ricky has to tell Bianca and the kids that he's leaving that evening, and well as to be expected, this doesn't exactly go down to well.  This makes Bianca angry and then she's saying how she's going to call the poliece on Sam to get her back in prison so her kids will have a father figure in Ricky. Pat tells her not to call the poliece, but to turn up at the engagement party that's being held at the Mitchells and take Ricky on a guilt trip and convince him to stay in Watford.
We then go to Lucas, who has previously killed his ex wife or girlfriend or whatever she was. But basically the mother of his son. Well to be fair he didn't kill her, but it was done in true Eastenders style. This must have been the only episode I watched through choice recently, but what happened is, she wanted Lucas and her to be back together and she to him to the shed, where she was doing drugs. I think she then started coming onto him or something like that, but then he pushed her away and she conviently was stabbed in the neck by a rake. (sorry but LOL) so yeah, he just left her dying there, this man that's supposed to be a religious guy and stuff. Yeah right. So yeah back to the episode, Lucas' son is upset that his mum hasn't come to see him when she promised him that she would. Lucas just convinces him that she was a let down and that it's better not to trust her and just forget about her, when in realtiy he's only saying that to stop his son asking questions about her, because he knows that she's rotting in a shed in the allotments.
Next we see Minty. And from what I can gather, he has a very soft spot for Sam. He goes to see her, offering her any help if she should ever need it. She writes her mobile number and her name in a love heart on a list of things that Minty's girlfriend had written. Minty then gets a visit from his girlfriends disabled son, threatening him, and from what I can guess, this is because he has seen the list with Sam's number on.
We then go to the engagement party at the Mitchells, where Bianca and her family have burst in, uninvited. Bianca tries to single out Ricky and convince him to stay but in no time she is of course interrupted by the lovely Sam. And well really, it wouldn't have been a friday night Eastenders if there wasn't a fight. Which, well to be frank was appaling. Aren't ginger people supposed to be like full of rage or something like that? But oh well, there was a short lived 'fight' between Sam and Bianca, which Ricky breaks up and he immediatly jumps to Sam's defence. So Bianca and her kids are kicked out.
Then we see a scene of Lucas checking on the body in the shed which is presumably covered in flys from the amount that were seen on the window. (Well duh Rachel.) And then we just see Lucas gagging and well yeah that's all.
Then we go back to the whole Sam drama, and we see clips of various people who I guess have been hurt by Sam in some way, who are all holding a phone. this of course is to call the poliece on her. (Good.) The poliece are then seen bursting into the Vic' demanding to search the premises. And suprisingly when they do, (and Sam has run out the back way with Ricky) all of the Mitchells defend her, saying that she has never been there. Even the ones who don't like her. But then Sam and Ricky start arguing because he doesn't want to leave, and no one thinks she should keep running away, he thinks that she should just go to prison and they can get married and be together when she gets out. Sam being Sam, drammatically jumps in some random car, which convienently is a converable, and conviently has a key in and is just convienently in the middle of the square. Well Minty tries to stop her taking the car, and she doesn't listen to him and is seen zooming away. It turns out the car has no petrol, and we then see the car slowing to a stop and then Sam running to the train station. When she thinks she has gotten away we see her being grabbed by police. Yes children, there are happy endings in Eastenders after all.
Sooo I generally think the episode just sucked. I now remember why I rarely watch soaps through choice, and haven't done for about a year. But Hollyoaks is an acceptance to this (: I think that the acting was appaling, who ever used to play Sam Mitchell after she was taken out because of her problem with snorting cocaine, was a much better actor. And well to be frank, the one who plays Sam now, has blantently had more work done on her face, than that what's obvious (septummm). The story line was rather weak and I think they tried to cram too many events into one episode. Just.. No. LOL.
Roo.