This is what the edge of your seat was made for..

Im afraid that it's got to the point where I only feel alive, when I'm in front of a stage, having my thoughts blasted from my mind by the huge amps to the left of me, watching a tall dark guy scream out his emotion in front of my eyes. I never really thought that I would get to the point where that was the only thing which made me feel truely happy and weightless. It's like, when i'm there, I can just forget everything, and loose myself in the moment. It's made me start to think about preforming. Yeah, me, Rachel, who gets nervous about reading out in class. Preforming. In front of people. I guess I've always wanted to do it. But I'm not good enough, so I guess that'll be another dream abandonned at the sidelines.
I'm starting to feel like everything's falling apart. Like, the people who always see so happy to me, deep down I know they're not. It makes everything look like a lie. I don't know who to trust, being friends with someone won't stop them from hurting you anymore these days.
I'm scared that you'll like her and not me. She's more confident, she has the guts to actually talk to you. And now everything's over for her and Luke, she has been talking about you a lot more, and tbh I really don't like it. After everything with Alex, I just wanted to find a way for me to be happy, and for everything to be over and done with. But it's never as simple as that is it? I thought you we're going to be the one who could change things for me. But now I'm not so sure. I have no idea how I can put so much faith into one person. How could one person possibly turn the whole of your life around for the good? I've seen someone change it for the worse, many a time, and when it's for the good, it's never lasted.
I feel like I've always been second best. I've never come first for anyone. I want so desperately for things to change, but I guess they are, and I just haven't noticed. But things are chaning for the worst when I think about it. Friends are changing, I don't know who to trust. I don't know who I am, and I don't know who I want to be. I'm the kind of person where everything has to be planned out and perfect. But fuck it, I don't want to be like that anymore. I guess what ever happens, happens. I'll have to live with it.
I just hope you can see something in me. It may take a while, but I promise if you do look really hard, and for long enough, then you'll see something. The dying light inside of me. But I think you're the only one who can save me.