Appoligies, glances and messed up chances.

For starters, I feel like I have to write a list. So this is my list of things to do;

• Wade my way through the Media film list. (Little help?)
• Sort out Medway Plus shit, that I really don't understand.
• Buy some new clothes!
• Revise all my Philosophy and Ethics.
• Talk to more different people.
• See everyone from summer again!
• Buy a camera.
• Get rid of throat infection!
• Finish 'The Kite Runner'
• Go Manor with Jamesyy
• Go cinema with Amy, Aaron, Luke, Henna, & J.Turner?
• Save more monies, because I'm amazingly poor
• Print off photos
• Halloween!

I suppose I could say that I have quite a few reasons to be happy right now. I've had the best day that i've had in a long time, and it wasn't even anything special. I'd like to say it was the weather, but I was freezing for most of the day, and towards the end it decided to rain. But I suppose in a way I've opened my eyes. All I needed to get over you, was another person to come along. To be frank, this is actually amazing, to have someone on my mind that isn't you, to be happy for once in a while, to look forward to school, to not get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach everytime you come online, and to not get upset at the smallest things you do or say. I'm finally happy, and all I had to do what get out there, get away from you and try my hardest to move on.
But there's always going to be this part of me that's hung up on you. I'm not over you, and I doubt that I will be for a very long time. But I think that I deserve to move on. And I think that I deserve to be happy after about half a year of being fucked around by you.
To be frank, I owe my friends a lot. They put up with me through eveything, the ups and downs I went through, tried their best to make me happy, told me to forget you. Supported me, even when I didn't listen and went full steam ahead with both eyes closed. I have no idea how I'll ever repay them.They all told me for so long that I could do better, and now I finally see it.
There's actually nothing special about you anymore. You used to be amazing. You used to make me happy, and make me feel like I was actually worth something. But then you changed, and it's like everything that I'd known had become a lie. But I'm leaving you behind. I have friends who'd do anything to see me happy, and I'm not exactly helping them or myself by wasting all my time on you. I suppose this could be seen as a letter of goodbye. I'll think of it that way.
How the fuck can you say 'why does it matter? i'm lucky if you even look at me' HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU SAY THAT? You have no idea, how many times i've thought the exact same thing about you. Finally your getting a glimpse of how i've felt for the last 6 months. But it'll ever compare. I don't understand you. Your always pushing and pulling me. This has just pushed me further, but yet again I've had to rely on my friends to remind me how you never wanted me, how you've never cared. I've found someone, and I'm pretty sure that after the past few days you'll have heard about this. He's everything that you used to be to me. But I think your at least entitled to the majority of the blame of how I find it so hard to trust people now. I'm convinced he'll turn out like you. I'm scared to give it everything I haveYou had it so drummed into my head that I'm worthless, ugly, you have me so convinced that I wasn't good enough for anything. For anyone. But he must see something in me, if he still talks to me after the idiot that I made of myself the other day. I suppose he must see something that you never could. But if I am worthless, that's how you made me. And if I am ugly, that's how you made me too. You made me give up on myself. You'll never have any idea how much you destroyed me, time after time I thought it was going to be different. Not anymore. You walked away, that night you walked home from Nancys, you need to understand that one person can only take so much shit till they leave. I'm done with you.  
Well, as for this new guy. I hope this is finally something which will make me happy. I've never had much luck with relationships. But I honestly have a good feeling here. I think. But we'll see. I just hope he sticks around to find out i'm a nice enough person when I want to be. I hope I'm good enough this time.
♥