There must be something so very wrong with me if all these people find it so easy to leave me.
I hate myself. I can't even think straight.
I'm no where near as different as I like to make out I am.
I try to walk like I think a confident person would, but I still look at the floor.
I put people down to make myself look better.
Even though I don't want him, or him, I hate it when they talk to other girls.
I like guys who read literature, have the sides of their head shaved and listen to The Smiths.
Yet the guys I get are either too nice, or complete cunts who just stop talking to me for no reason, after working their way into my life.
I don't feel anything.
I don't like how I've changed. But I can't remember what it was liek to be the person I was before Darryl left me. I just remember that I was happy. There was me and him. That's all I know.
I don't know how to get myself back.
I keep finding all these little things every day which just bring me lower and more so down.
My friend recommended another photographer to a band.
He's online, yet not talking to me.
She did it before I did.
They're happy, why is it so impossible for me?
I don't want to feel anything for anyone appart from my boy. I don't want my life to move on.
I don't want to feel like im moving on, & I don't even want to love anyone else.
You were my best friend, you had no one here. Then you replace me?
I can't take any more.
ROO | DARRYL BELL | PHOTOGRAPHY | ALEVELS | MUSIC
Monday, April 26
Understanding the shape
between your throat and collar
is exactly a true heart
to be kissed.
Understanding the nature
of words is to kiss them into shape.
Understanding the pretense.
In some other era the most Romantic thing
would be to let things wither beautifully.
Understanding one rainfall
growing inside another can make
a rainbow but only inside,
safe as houses.
Understanding nothing
is complete freedom.
Understanding the tilt of sleeping
is to reconcile breath with first memory.
Understanding your hands
are folded protectively only because
they are so agile and full of nothing,
so keen to touch my mouth.
Understanding courtly love
as archetypal memory
something to write essays about
over and over
like yearning caught in clouds of words.
Understanding the faces I see
are not nearly as beautiful as the faces they conceal.
Understanding eleven minutes past
is not a psychic message
just something you can train yourself
to recognise in crisis or temptation.
Understanding if you peel open a closed flower bud
it really can’t do itself up again.
Understanding a moment like this -
as it drifts between inner rooms -
a lonely ghost.
Understanding time
is opening doors and windows
in every place you’ve ever been
just to let in a little wavering light,
the chance memory,
an echo of your future self.
By Nevering
between your throat and collar
is exactly a true heart
to be kissed.
Understanding the nature
of words is to kiss them into shape.
Understanding the pretense.
In some other era the most Romantic thing
would be to let things wither beautifully.
Understanding one rainfall
growing inside another can make
a rainbow but only inside,
safe as houses.
Understanding nothing
is complete freedom.
Understanding the tilt of sleeping
is to reconcile breath with first memory.
Understanding your hands
are folded protectively only because
they are so agile and full of nothing,
so keen to touch my mouth.
Understanding courtly love
as archetypal memory
something to write essays about
over and over
like yearning caught in clouds of words.
Understanding the faces I see
are not nearly as beautiful as the faces they conceal.
Understanding eleven minutes past
is not a psychic message
just something you can train yourself
to recognise in crisis or temptation.
Understanding if you peel open a closed flower bud
it really can’t do itself up again.
Understanding a moment like this -
as it drifts between inner rooms -
a lonely ghost.
Understanding time
is opening doors and windows
in every place you’ve ever been
just to let in a little wavering light,
the chance memory,
an echo of your future self.
By Nevering
Tuesday, April 20
I finally feel like things are moving forward a little bit? I'll admit it's going way to fast for my liking, but it's progress all the same. I finished my photography exam today, and my teacher made me feel a little more confident in myself after he looked at my work and seemed pleased. ( That's good considdering me and him don't usually get along. ) My coursework needs to be completed by the end of the week, so i'll be using frees and time after school to do that. Then that's over and I can concentrate on my other subjects, thank God.
I also just got the form for my provisional licence, which is really surreal? But soon I'll be driving, and things will be easier. I just need to find a better job to fund this.
I've hopefully got another band who want photographs, maybe some promotional shoots, so that should be good as i don't have any of them under my belt. Another gig lined up during my study leave.
Hopefully everything's starting to fall into place?
Darryl, it's harder now, and i hate myself for it. It's harder to open up. But thank you for all the signs, that one couldn't have been more obvious. I'm sorry for crying. I hope I make you proud. I love you, brown eyes.
I also just got the form for my provisional licence, which is really surreal? But soon I'll be driving, and things will be easier. I just need to find a better job to fund this.
I've hopefully got another band who want photographs, maybe some promotional shoots, so that should be good as i don't have any of them under my belt. Another gig lined up during my study leave.
Hopefully everything's starting to fall into place?
Darryl, it's harder now, and i hate myself for it. It's harder to open up. But thank you for all the signs, that one couldn't have been more obvious. I'm sorry for crying. I hope I make you proud. I love you, brown eyes.
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