It's a High School Musical day..

I have no idea how I feel right now. I guess it's such a mixture of things, I have no idea where I stand right now with anything at all in my life.
I feel like my best friend is trying to push me out of his life to make his girlfriend happy. It annoys me how he allows her to controll him. He's convinced that he's so completely in love with her, but I've known them both for a very long time, and I can just seem them destroying eachother. They haven't even been together a month and you can see that they don't trust eachother. He won't even tell her when he's with me. I'm just his best friend. Friend being the operative word. Honestly, I love him to pieces, but if anything in that way almost happened, I think I'd throw up. I can't express it, but just no. But, even though I'm loosing my best friend because of her, I'll still have to be there whenever he needs to complain, even though I wont be bothered about it anymore. As far as I'm conserned, he's changed. Give it time. You'll see.
Parents. Fucking hell, who invented them? I hate the way that they're so sencible. And they're going on holiday to Scotland next year. Funny how they don't have a problem with leaving me home alone anymore, it's not as if my sister can look after me because she's finally found a job. I don't know what they're expecting me to do. And my mum just made me take my stretcher out! FML, that's fucked me off. They're so restraining, they won't let me be who I want to be, they treat me as if I'm still 6 years old. They don't trust me. Just GRRR! They won't let me express my self at all, I'm 16 for christ sake. Just they wait till I'm at uni. GRRRRRRRR. I'll just have to find another way.
Wow, saturday. You, you made me happy for just that little while. You made me forget about everything for a time, and all i could focus on was you. I'm not entirely sure what happened. But I'm sure you must have felt something? Even the tiniest thing, when me and you were hugging in the porch. Maybe it was just me who felt like it was forever. -OW MY EAR HURTS- but, knwoing me I fucked it up the next morning, by talking about it to Georgie and I'm pretty sure. I know, that you'll just see me as some stupid kid who takes a drunken hug too seriously. But part of me thinks you only backed off because your sister told you to. I don't even know why Holly told you to do that.. I don't know if it was because she doesnt trust me, or you. I really don't understand. She knows I had a crush on you before her party, I thought you were fit before I even know you and her were related. She used to try and encourage us. Like, she's make me walk over to hers just to see you, I thought she was alright with it? She knows everything that's been happening recently with guys, so I thought she would have seen that as a good thing? I DONT GET IT! Sigh, sigh, sigh. Maybe I should talk to you first, see how that goes, then talk to her?
Maybe I'm over reacting? AHHHH SHUT UP HEAD. I dont want to care about anything anymore ;( fucking hell.
We'll see. Things will change. They have to.

But up till now, I've always been afraid.

One song about a boy,

Can't breathe when I'm around him.

I wait here every day,

Incase I scratch the surface.

He'll never notice.

I'm not in love,

This is not my heart.

I'm not going to waste these words,

About a boy.

How are we supposed to know when it's the right time to give up and move on? I have no idea, if you like me or not, or if you like her, or if your just playing the field. I hate all of this confusion. I've been messed around for the past 6 months and I don't want to get into that kind of mess all over again. In all honestly, although she is a good friend to me, and she knows how i feel about you, I have a gut feeling that she likes you, and that you like her. Well, people agree that she likes you. I treid to ignore the way you are together, but I can't. The thing is, I'd never do this to her. If i knew that she liked someone I wouldn't go out of my way to get them to like me instead of her. So I don't understand why she's doing this to me?

I just want something to go right for once. The past half a year of my life has been so shit you wouldn't believe, and last week I was genuinely happy for the first time in what's felt like forever. I know it was too good to be true, it always is.

Just prove me wrong.

Please. I'm not asking for much, just some hope.

This is what the edge of your seat was made for..

Im afraid that it's got to the point where I only feel alive, when I'm in front of a stage, having my thoughts blasted from my mind by the huge amps to the left of me, watching a tall dark guy scream out his emotion in front of my eyes. I never really thought that I would get to the point where that was the only thing which made me feel truely happy and weightless. It's like, when i'm there, I can just forget everything, and loose myself in the moment. It's made me start to think about preforming. Yeah, me, Rachel, who gets nervous about reading out in class. Preforming. In front of people. I guess I've always wanted to do it. But I'm not good enough, so I guess that'll be another dream abandonned at the sidelines.
I'm starting to feel like everything's falling apart. Like, the people who always see so happy to me, deep down I know they're not. It makes everything look like a lie. I don't know who to trust, being friends with someone won't stop them from hurting you anymore these days.
I'm scared that you'll like her and not me. She's more confident, she has the guts to actually talk to you. And now everything's over for her and Luke, she has been talking about you a lot more, and tbh I really don't like it. After everything with Alex, I just wanted to find a way for me to be happy, and for everything to be over and done with. But it's never as simple as that is it? I thought you we're going to be the one who could change things for me. But now I'm not so sure. I have no idea how I can put so much faith into one person. How could one person possibly turn the whole of your life around for the good? I've seen someone change it for the worse, many a time, and when it's for the good, it's never lasted.
I feel like I've always been second best. I've never come first for anyone. I want so desperately for things to change, but I guess they are, and I just haven't noticed. But things are chaning for the worst when I think about it. Friends are changing, I don't know who to trust. I don't know who I am, and I don't know who I want to be. I'm the kind of person where everything has to be planned out and perfect. But fuck it, I don't want to be like that anymore. I guess what ever happens, happens. I'll have to live with it.
I just hope you can see something in me. It may take a while, but I promise if you do look really hard, and for long enough, then you'll see something. The dying light inside of me. But I think you're the only one who can save me.

Appoligies, glances and messed up chances.

For starters, I feel like I have to write a list. So this is my list of things to do;

• Wade my way through the Media film list. (Little help?)
• Sort out Medway Plus shit, that I really don't understand.
• Buy some new clothes!
• Revise all my Philosophy and Ethics.
• Talk to more different people.
• See everyone from summer again!
• Buy a camera.
• Get rid of throat infection!
• Finish 'The Kite Runner'
• Go Manor with Jamesyy
• Go cinema with Amy, Aaron, Luke, Henna, & J.Turner?
• Save more monies, because I'm amazingly poor
• Print off photos
• Halloween!

I suppose I could say that I have quite a few reasons to be happy right now. I've had the best day that i've had in a long time, and it wasn't even anything special. I'd like to say it was the weather, but I was freezing for most of the day, and towards the end it decided to rain. But I suppose in a way I've opened my eyes. All I needed to get over you, was another person to come along. To be frank, this is actually amazing, to have someone on my mind that isn't you, to be happy for once in a while, to look forward to school, to not get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach everytime you come online, and to not get upset at the smallest things you do or say. I'm finally happy, and all I had to do what get out there, get away from you and try my hardest to move on.
But there's always going to be this part of me that's hung up on you. I'm not over you, and I doubt that I will be for a very long time. But I think that I deserve to move on. And I think that I deserve to be happy after about half a year of being fucked around by you.
To be frank, I owe my friends a lot. They put up with me through eveything, the ups and downs I went through, tried their best to make me happy, told me to forget you. Supported me, even when I didn't listen and went full steam ahead with both eyes closed. I have no idea how I'll ever repay them.They all told me for so long that I could do better, and now I finally see it.
There's actually nothing special about you anymore. You used to be amazing. You used to make me happy, and make me feel like I was actually worth something. But then you changed, and it's like everything that I'd known had become a lie. But I'm leaving you behind. I have friends who'd do anything to see me happy, and I'm not exactly helping them or myself by wasting all my time on you. I suppose this could be seen as a letter of goodbye. I'll think of it that way.
How the fuck can you say 'why does it matter? i'm lucky if you even look at me' HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU SAY THAT? You have no idea, how many times i've thought the exact same thing about you. Finally your getting a glimpse of how i've felt for the last 6 months. But it'll ever compare. I don't understand you. Your always pushing and pulling me. This has just pushed me further, but yet again I've had to rely on my friends to remind me how you never wanted me, how you've never cared. I've found someone, and I'm pretty sure that after the past few days you'll have heard about this. He's everything that you used to be to me. But I think your at least entitled to the majority of the blame of how I find it so hard to trust people now. I'm convinced he'll turn out like you. I'm scared to give it everything I haveYou had it so drummed into my head that I'm worthless, ugly, you have me so convinced that I wasn't good enough for anything. For anyone. But he must see something in me, if he still talks to me after the idiot that I made of myself the other day. I suppose he must see something that you never could. But if I am worthless, that's how you made me. And if I am ugly, that's how you made me too. You made me give up on myself. You'll never have any idea how much you destroyed me, time after time I thought it was going to be different. Not anymore. You walked away, that night you walked home from Nancys, you need to understand that one person can only take so much shit till they leave. I'm done with you.  
Well, as for this new guy. I hope this is finally something which will make me happy. I've never had much luck with relationships. But I honestly have a good feeling here. I think. But we'll see. I just hope he sticks around to find out i'm a nice enough person when I want to be. I hope I'm good enough this time.
♥

HELP

First off, can I just ask, has anyone got any of the following films for me to borrow:

• Dracula
• Gone With The Wind
• Citizen Kane
• Great Expectations
• Singin' In The Rain
• Vertigo
• Rear Window
• Psyco
• Some Like It Hot
• The Graduate
• Any of the Godfather films
• The Deer Hunter
• Pulp Fiction
• Fargo
• Trainspotting
• The Blair Witch Project
• Cloverfield
• The Shawshank Redemption
• Nosferatu, A Symphony Of Terror
• It's A Wonderful Life
• Being John Malcovitch
• In The Heat Of The Night
• One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest
• Goodfellas
• The Silence Of The Lambs
• Se7en
• Rebecca
• The Shining
• The Sixth Sence
• Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid
• Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels
• Kill Bill
• Breakfast at Tiffanys
• Chinatown
• Annie Hall
• The Life Of Brian.

I need to watch them for my Media Studies A-Level, and I'd be like amazingly greatfull if anyone could lend me any of these or tell me a site where I could watch films, because all the ones I used to know have started to fail on me. Thankyou (:

Drama, drama, drama.

I hate how, it doesn't actually matter how you do it, but you always make me breathless. Right now it's because you've made me cry so hard that I actually feel physically sick. Why can't you just care about me for once? If I'm not talking to someone, don't you think there might be a reason for it? Don't you think she might have done something which hurt me? No you just clearly only care weather she's happy or not. Not me. You've just proved me right so I guess I should thank you for that. I knew that there was something with you and her all along, but no one actually seemed to understand, but then they started to see. But it was when they started to see that I just didn't want to hear about it anymore. Every time I saw you in school my heart always felt like it was trying to escape and I felt sick to my stomach. I can't even look you in the eye because I just think about you and her. That's why I'm not talking to her. She couldn't have stabbed me in the back more. I never did this her her and Chhibb. So why is she doing this to me? I've never given her any reason to. I was doing so well up untill about half hour ago. How can you mess me up so easily? She doesn't even bother with me when I'm clearly upset, so yeah, your clearly worrying over a great fucking friend. I love how you've both left MSN at the same time. I hope your fucking guna go see eachother considdering she's told me how close it is many a time. How can I have given up everything for you, let everyone else go, let people walk away, how could I have done it, just for you not to give a fucking damn. You don't care about anything. Nothing. I can't believe how I can actually let one person effect me this much, hurt me so badly. I know how stupid I'm being, I know how James is getting sick of me being depressed over you and I know that people are just tired of me never being happy anymore, but I just can't snap out of it. I know we had something once, but I have no idea where it went. I dont even know if we can find it again. I dn't think we will. I'm not worth that much in the eyes of fate. One thing I miss about the holidays is how I can't dissapear for a few days anymore. I can't just stay in, or just have a laugh with my friends and not see your face, how I can't just leave facebook or MSN. I miss it. Your everwhere I go, I can't escape you. And it's just getting worse and worse every time. Someone help me. I actually feel like I'm falling. Today I was determinned that I was going to decide on my tattoo, and it wasn't going to remind me of you in anyway, I was going to get one which closed this chapter of my life which was all about you. Now I don't want to leave this chapter behind, I don't feel ready to close it. I want that other person to come along and show me what a dick you are, open my eyes to what your really like and make me feel like im worth so much more. But I feel like untill he does show up, I'm just guna be hung up on you, feeling suicidal at every small thing. I hate this. And I hate you for having this controll over me. I hate our past. Mostly I hate how you changed.