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You are so beautiful, you are the kind of girl that has the chemicals, that make me fall in love.

What exactly is it that defines everything? Defines how beautiful someone is. Defines who's worthy of our affection and who isn't. Defines what's laughable, what's good enough to dance to, and what isn't. I pretty much had a monumental day yesterday, for a number of reasons.
Well, firstly im now single. And that's made me happier than most. I have no idea why I was so worried about hurting him, because he even told me that he didn't care anymore, so it couldn't have been made any clearer. But now the freedom that's tidalwaved over me is such an unbelievable relief. The thing that I find funny is that people are worrying about me. But they don't understand that I was never cut out for a relationship after Darryl anyway. It just doesn't feel right. It felt like some uncomfortable lump of guilt in my chest and this weight on my shoulders. It's almost been lifted. But I know it'll always be there, it'll just change and hurt in different ways throughout my life. It's the kind of pain that never leaves you.

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I pretty much had a terrible day today. The worst I've had since the day he left and the few days following. And I guess it's been so bad for the most pathetic of reasons. I wanted a webbing piercing (basically the funny part under your tounge) but Andy Jay refused to pierce mine. In reality I'd love facial piercings but my parents would kill me to put it bluntly. So I left the shop the same as i'd entered it. Oh the dissapointment was unreal. BUT if i promise myself anything for next year it's this: 'another piercing. Doesn't matter what, doesn't matter why. Just another piercing' I swear they're addictive. And then there was you. I don't understand you one tiny bit! You know what, I just hope you have fun on newyears. Hope she's worth it really. But it's not as if you'd care about me being upset or off with you or anything like that right now, because you're hardly fucking talking to me. And in all honesty I have no fucking idea why? It's insane that wherever the hell I go there's something of you there. The whole day I was convinced I might just bump into you. And yeah I really wasn't in the possition for that to happen, rain & hair does not mix well when it's Rachel(hyphon)Katy. But part of me really wanted to see you. I guess it's just because you've taught me to ignore what people think, not let all the tiny things let me down. But I just can't seem to apply that thinking to you. I suppose that's the problem. You understood how I feltabout Darryl sometimes, becausse you felt it true. Like when you miss someone so much you feel sick to the pit of your stomach. I miss it when you used to worry about how I was, how i felt, because right now I honestly feel like you couldn't give a damn. And what hurts most is how much I wish you would. I hate how this seems to always happen to me. I meet people, and then they change. It's happened to me so much this year and I'm just sick of it. Why do things change? People don't actually seem to realise that everything they do effects the people around them. For example, you're off with me, i get in a bad mood, my friends worry about me and my parents worry about me. Just because of you acting that way with me for whatever unknown reason, a whole load more people are effected than you first thought. People don't think like that, and maybe they shouldn't. Maybe it's just too complicated for the human race to actually think about the consequences of their actions. Maybe that would just make life too easy.
God i'l admit i'm so much happier being single. But i'd be a whole lot happier if i knew exactly what i'd done wrong for you to suddenly be all short with me. There's no explanation I can think of. And I know I've been here once before. Theres the stages. First, where you meet and everythings all happy and sunshine. Then things change, you try your hardest to get things back to normal but fail. And then you start to think about what it is that made everything change, and the only thing you can find to blame is yourself. & this is what I'm going through. Im competely blaming myself. Im blaming the face that I dont have any stupid facial piercings. That my hair it's a stupid brown|red and ever stays straight enough. That my eyes are boring brown. I pretty much look like any other girl. That my boobs aren't big enough and that i wear my clothes completely wrong. I thought I may just have been good enough for you once, I suppose I was just blind. I wish I could change to make you want me. I think everyone has someone in the world they would do that for. But there's something wrong in the fact that there's too many people I would do it for.

& every second i waste is more than i can take. im so numb i can feel you there, i've become so tired, so much more aware. By becoming this all i want to do, is be more like me and be less like you. And i know, i may end up failing you.


I can only hope that the new year will bring exactly what it says. 'New'. New people for starters, not that I would change the people that I've met towards the end of this year for anything, it's just, I need to meet more.I want to get more into my photography. Building things up for myself. I had two offers at Tap in sunday to do photography for bands, so that's a big step forward. I want to find a way to be happier in myself. But i dont know how im going to do that. I want to be able to care what people think less. I don't know what else I want, but I know i'd give anything to be able to spend next year with Darryl. Just anything.
Okay so I'd like to seriously thank two people that I met towards the end of this year. I don't know either of them at all well but they've kept me going in completely different ways. I'm not sure if either of you will read this, but I can only hope.
Sam Craddock. (forgive me if i spelt your name wrong). That night that we met at Tap, I pretty much discovered someone who has one of the best out looks on life. You helped to remind me that life has to go on after the most painful of things. Like you said, there's always tomorrow, there's always a new day. Thankyou for brigntening me up. I hope i'l see you again soon hun.
Joella Colwell. You've been such a rock to me ever since we lost Darryl. The pain I feel cannot possibly compare to the best friend that you've lost, yet regardless you still magane to find the strength to help me through. I would have killed myself if it wasn't for you.And that pretty much is the cold hard truth. I can't find the words to thank you for being there for me and for helping me see sense. He'd be so proud of you, of who you are and what you've done. He's watching us I know it.

Darryl
I know i keep saying it, but i wouldn't be in this mess if you were here. Im sorry I keep saying that to you over and over again, but it's just so true. If you were here with me now,  i know that i wouldn't care what anyone else thought of me. I'd be happy in myself, happy in being with you. You'd be everything, and that would be just perfect. I wished you were here so much today. I keep wishing and wishing for things over and over again but none of them seem to come true. I suppose i should have learnt that from the last time I really wished for something. That was when I heard about you being in hospital. I wished and prayed so hard, but it didn't work. I wish i knew why. See, there I go again, wishing. I still can't read the newspapers. I can't bring myself to do it. I actually walked into a petrol station, and glanced at the papers outside and there you were similing back at me on the front cover. It almost sickens me in a way. I just want to escape everything, I think that part of me still hasnt accepted that you're gone. But if you weren't gone, then I wouldn't feel this gaping hole in my chest threatening to swallow me whole. If you werent gone then I wouldnt have a reason to cry myself to panic attacks. I know, i know deep in my mind and my heart that you wouldn't want me to feel like this. But for fuck sake Darryl have you ever tried living without you? It's harder than you'd ever imagine. I should be spending new years with you. Next year with you. I'd love that more than anything else in the world. Yet now for the rest of my life I'l be forced to settle for second best. That's the harsh reality of it. Nothing compares to you. I hope you've got The Rev up there with you now baby, that'd be completely awesome for you. I love you Darryl, more than you will ever know. & even though every day that goes by i seem to break that little bit more, i know one day I'll see you again. It's the only thing that keeps me going. See you soon baby, just wait. Always.

If you don't want me then I guess I'll have to go. Not loving you is harder than you know.
-Escape The Fate, Harder Than You Know