has flown by without you. And I'm not exactly sure if it's supposed to go past slowly or quick?
I've taken each day as it came. I've tried to live each day as you'd want me to, and I'm trying to keep up with doing whatever it takes make me happy now. It is getting easier, I'll admit. I was thinking though; when people pass away, and they go to 'heaven' - or wherever it is people go when they leave this Earth - don't they usually join the people who have passed before them? So, who do you have up there with you? Grandparents? Friends? I don't know, I never got to find out. It does comfort me knowing that when I finally pass away myself, I'll be with you again, and we have the rest of eternity to do whatever the fuck we want. But I hope that your not alone up there, just watching down on us all. I wish I could be there with you, just to hold you and let you know I'll be with you soon, whenever my destiny decides is right.
It's the common sense which I have in my head that tells me to be realistic about this. I see the smallest things, which link back to you, and I think that it's you sending signs. This evenning, faces in the pavement. Just now, I looked at my watch, just to realise that it's been upside down all day. Today in media, Aslan from The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe randomly came up in conversation. It always seems to be the smallest things now. But if I didn't believe that you were somewhere watching me still, looking after me, then in all honesty I'm pretty sure I'd have gone insane. I suppose you changed my life in such a major way, that I can't imagine it without you. And even though I can't feel you, or hold you, or hear your voice in a way that's real anymore, I still feel you there. When I'm nervous, or scared or upset, I can just close my eyes and feel you there right next to me. That's why I'm convinced you're just hiding from me still. Just running about, following me to keep me safe. But then I think, out of all of us that you left behind, there's no reason why you would choose to look after me, when you have all your friends and family to look after too. It's not that I doubt you, I never have, never will. It's just that I doubt myself.
I've started to doubt myself a lot and a lot less at the same time recently. I doubt how much of a good daughter I am, a good friend, a good girlfriend (yeah, James Turner). I pin it down to parents evening and the day after speciffically. Firstly on parents evening, my friends are told not to let me drag them down in photography? Fucking excuse me? I love how I'm always the one to get in trouble, when they sit there painting their fucking nails and I'm just talking. Nice one mate, nice one thinking it wouldn't get back to me too. And telling my parents that I have an attitude problem and don't seem to be that bothered in the lesson? Photography is my life. How can I not be bothered? I go up during my free's and work, which is a lot more than everyone else in the class does. But, you know, I'm just going to ignore you, your just a teacher. I took photography because I wanted to, and because I think it's the only thing on this fucking Earth I may just be good at. So don't you fucking dare try to take that away from me. I'll prove you wrong. Every single one of you. Also, I suppose I should have relised that by having you for a best friend, that sometimes you'd make me feel like this. You've always been loud and bitchy. And I suppose that you just put others down to make you feel better about yourself. But it does hurt. Why compare us infront of my boyfriend? I realise you got double A's, and I got a C and a U, but seriously, as if I wasn't done in enough about it already. But hey ho, that's life, I love you all the same. I'll catch up to you eventually.
So I guess now I have to explain the boyfriend which I've mentioned about twice now. Okay so he's called James. If anyone even dares to think that I'm over Darryl.. Just.. I'm not. You don't get over loosing someone you love like that. James won't replace Darryl, he doesn't want to. He just makes me happy. & I know that's what Darryl wants. When I'm with James, my heart starts to heal. When I'm not with him, it just starts to tear up all over again. James is part of my healing process. He doesn't mean that I think about Darryl any less, infact I think about him more. James isn't anything like Darryl, which is the best part. Darryl will always something different, someone in his own legue. James understands the best that he can. And if anyone wants to judge me about having a boyfriend now, then feel free. I knew it was going to come out sooner or later, so it was better to come from me. I just hope your all pleased that I'm happier now. Darryl's still in my heart, and he's never leaving me. I shouldn't have to explain this anyway. You wouldn't understand.
It's the common sense which I have in my head that tells me to be realistic about this. I see the smallest things, which link back to you, and I think that it's you sending signs. This evenning, faces in the pavement. Just now, I looked at my watch, just to realise that it's been upside down all day. Today in media, Aslan from The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe randomly came up in conversation. It always seems to be the smallest things now. But if I didn't believe that you were somewhere watching me still, looking after me, then in all honesty I'm pretty sure I'd have gone insane. I suppose you changed my life in such a major way, that I can't imagine it without you. And even though I can't feel you, or hold you, or hear your voice in a way that's real anymore, I still feel you there. When I'm nervous, or scared or upset, I can just close my eyes and feel you there right next to me. That's why I'm convinced you're just hiding from me still. Just running about, following me to keep me safe. But then I think, out of all of us that you left behind, there's no reason why you would choose to look after me, when you have all your friends and family to look after too. It's not that I doubt you, I never have, never will. It's just that I doubt myself.
I've started to doubt myself a lot and a lot less at the same time recently. I doubt how much of a good daughter I am, a good friend, a good girlfriend (yeah, James Turner). I pin it down to parents evening and the day after speciffically. Firstly on parents evening, my friends are told not to let me drag them down in photography? Fucking excuse me? I love how I'm always the one to get in trouble, when they sit there painting their fucking nails and I'm just talking. Nice one mate, nice one thinking it wouldn't get back to me too. And telling my parents that I have an attitude problem and don't seem to be that bothered in the lesson? Photography is my life. How can I not be bothered? I go up during my free's and work, which is a lot more than everyone else in the class does. But, you know, I'm just going to ignore you, your just a teacher. I took photography because I wanted to, and because I think it's the only thing on this fucking Earth I may just be good at. So don't you fucking dare try to take that away from me. I'll prove you wrong. Every single one of you. Also, I suppose I should have relised that by having you for a best friend, that sometimes you'd make me feel like this. You've always been loud and bitchy. And I suppose that you just put others down to make you feel better about yourself. But it does hurt. Why compare us infront of my boyfriend? I realise you got double A's, and I got a C and a U, but seriously, as if I wasn't done in enough about it already. But hey ho, that's life, I love you all the same. I'll catch up to you eventually.
So I guess now I have to explain the boyfriend which I've mentioned about twice now. Okay so he's called James. If anyone even dares to think that I'm over Darryl.. Just.. I'm not. You don't get over loosing someone you love like that. James won't replace Darryl, he doesn't want to. He just makes me happy. & I know that's what Darryl wants. When I'm with James, my heart starts to heal. When I'm not with him, it just starts to tear up all over again. James is part of my healing process. He doesn't mean that I think about Darryl any less, infact I think about him more. James isn't anything like Darryl, which is the best part. Darryl will always something different, someone in his own legue. James understands the best that he can. And if anyone wants to judge me about having a boyfriend now, then feel free. I knew it was going to come out sooner or later, so it was better to come from me. I just hope your all pleased that I'm happier now. Darryl's still in my heart, and he's never leaving me. I shouldn't have to explain this anyway. You wouldn't understand.
I thank God, or whoever it us up there, every single day for giving me that night with you. Yesterday, it was a month since I saw you last, since I spent that night with you. And it was exactly the same. It was dark and the rain was just drizzle. Driving down the same road. But not the same car. The wrong driver, the wrong emotions. I just sat in the car and cried. I pulled my hood down and shut my eyes tight, and I didn't feel my mum next to me anymore. I felt you. I genuinely believed that I would open my eyes, and be there with you, sitting there, singing like we would. I've never believed in something so much in my life. But it broke me just that bit more. But I'm gratefull for the inspiration that you give me every day, the motivation that you give me every morning, and the love and friends you surround me with.
I'll always love you Darryl.
Southampton soon.
I hope your with me then, I don't think I could go through it without you.
Hold on tight baby.
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