It's been a long time since I've posted anything on here, and I suppose a lot has actually happened in such a short space of time. I think it's easier to just start with the basics, although knowing my I'll just drift off into writing complete nonsense.
Photography's going well, I've noticed my work slowly improving, and I had the opitunity to take part in a local band shoot a few weeks ago. I had my first paid show last week. I've got a couple of shows coming up in a month or so as well, I just need to find a few jobs inbetween if I can.
I finished all of my exams, I think they we're all okay, apart from Ethics which I'm pretty sure I've failed.
Mum & Dad are going on holiday on Saturday to Wales, and I'm left at home with my sister because I'm still at school. I wouldn't have wanted to go with them to Wales anyway, but I haven't had a holiday for two years now & I can't even put into words how much I just want to get away from this place for a few days.
I've been having driving lessons, today was my third lesson and I drove all the way home. I think I'm improving so that's good, and my intructor mentioned booking a test soon, it's just the money side of things which is a problem. I don't want to drive my mum's car, because I absolutely despise it. I can't even afford to take my theory or driving test right now anyway, so fuck knows how I'm actually supposed to cope with buying a car, running it and covering insurance.
I don't talk to any of my 'best friends' anymore. Me, Anish & James went out a couple of weeks ago and I'm not going to lie, I loved them both so much that night. But things have gone back to how they were before again & neither of them talk to me much. I should have expected it. I don't talk to Holly much now either, because wherever we go she has to bring Nadine with her. I just don't see the point. So i'm leaving her to get on with her year 11 friends now she's left school, and I'm here if she ever feels like hanging out again. Which I'm guessing is when I will be driving by the way she used to talk about it. Whatever.
When you talk like that, I want to cry, because I'm petrified you'll do something stupid. I just want you to get better.
The one who was there after Darryl left, I'm over him. Okay, maybe not over him, but I've moved on. Darryl wouldn't want me to chase after some guy who doesn't give two fucks about me and just brings me down.
I have found someone who makes me happy again. & It kind of shocks me, because I was so convinced that I'll always be alone, that I won't be able to feel anything for anyone, that no one would want me because I'm fucked up. When he holds me, it feels the same as it did when Darryl held me. I feel safe. It feels like home, like I could just stay there forever and never leave. He's so childish but it makes me smile and he says the stupidest of things and thinks he's the funniest guy to walk this earth, but that's who he is. And who he is makes me happy.
I need to get over the jealousy issue I have though. He's in the band that I did the shoot with a few weeks ago, and he gets fan girls. A lot. & I'm not going to lie, it really frustrates me, when we're out, they're there. On Facebook, they're there. On Tumblr, they're there. It annoys me so much! And he randomly doesn't text me back sometimes.. Just randomly. I just needed to get all of that out.
Elliott, I know there's a good chance you'll read this, & I hope that you do.
Elly, okay please get well soon firstly, because if I can't see you for ages I'm going to miss you like fuck! and I'll have no one to get the train with to gigs, and no one to call when I need to talk about things and no one to wear penguin hats or get us lost. SO GET BETTER BITCH.
Thank you for everthing. I think Nafe's a bit jealous of you, because he told me he thought I liked someone else ;) funny that :/
No really, be serious Rachel. Elly, I could never have asked for a better person in my life. I know we have our arguments, a lot of the time and I hate it. I think it was because I was trying to push you away. Because I know you're better off without me, you were then and I still think you are now. But I'll never have any idea how you've managed to stand by me all these months, in all honesty, I think I've only just learnt how to cope with what happened, and that's thanks to you. Thank you for everything you've done for me. Thank you for loving me when no one else would. I hope you'll never leave me, but if one day you have to then I'll understand. I hope that there's someone on this Earth who is actually worthy of someone as genuine as you. & I hope that you realise from Saturday that I will fight for you, no matter what slag wants to get in my face about it. You're my best friend, no one fucks you around okay? Just look after yourself please? I love you.
Darryl,
I went to see Mitch preform & Hoo's Got Talent on Monday. I know you were watching, and that he made you just as proud as he made me. He is honestly so talented and dedicated to what he does, and I know that you're his inspiration. It was good to see everyone again, but weird at the same time. It was like where before we had felt like an extended part of your family, now we were just people meeting together as an annual thing. We all felt kind of detached, talking about life, work & school instead of talking about you. It bothered me, so I just stood in silence. I'm sorry. When I'm 18 I'm going to get the outline of a swallow on my wrist, and it'll represent you. Maybe when I pass they can tattoo a second on my opposite wrist and it'll represent me. Maybe. I don't like being scared of everything Darryl. I'm so scared of people just being there one day, and not being there the next. No one understands this. I'm so scared of feeling anything for anyone, because I know that when I'm happy it'll just get taken away from me again for months on end. I'm scared of loving someone. I'm scared of being touched. I'm scared of all the small things like being in their cars and talking to them or standing with them in the rain, or having them teach me how to skateboard, because every second I'm with them it's like they take away a part of you and replace it. I don't want to lose you, even though you've already left. I don't feel you here anymore. I feel like your family and friends hate me. I hate myself. I miss you so much, I've forgotten what your voice sounds like. I miss your eyes, your arms around me and the way you smelt when you held me.
I'll always love you, no matter who comes into my life or fucks me over. No matter if I tell them I love them, they will never ever manage to replace you. They can't live up to you. I will always love you. You're my sunshine, you're in the rain, the tree air fresheners in the cars, skateboards, Subway, Stephen King, Batman, Rochester, Hempstead Vally, the end of my road, the stars in the fuck sky. I can't escape you.
No comments:
Post a Comment