My best friend knows me all too well. He knows what I want to say before I can even find a way to put it into words, which I often fail upon doing unless it's on here. I don't know why I always find it hard to say how I feel. I always say the wrong thing. It always comes out wrong. Or I just say it too late.
I always get scared of things. Not just things, that sounds meaningless. & if they're bothering me, then they can't be meaningless can they, they mean something to me. I get scared of.. Life. I don't know how else to put it. I'm genuinely frightened that the decisions I've made over the past year are going to grow into something that I'll look back on and regret for the rest of my life, however long or hopefully short that may be.
-No i'm not suicidal. Well maybe I am. I don't take my life for granted, I'm grateful for eerything and everyone that I have. I have a good family, and good friends. But life makes me tired. I'm tired of the same feeling, the same sickness. I would spend my life sleeping just so hat time passed faster. It always goes so slowly now. I'm just tired.-
I'm scared I've made the wrong choices, chased after the wrong people and let the right ones go.
I'm afraid of being close to people. I'm scared that they'll judge me, leave me, stop breathing. I genuinely feel alone, but it's not as if I don't have friends. I have a lot of friends, and I love them all with the whole of my heart, I don't want to think about where I'd be without them. But I'm just generally a person who's detached from the world which surrounds her. I think I must have taught myself to do that after losing someone who became such a big part of me in such a short time. I've taught myself not to let anyone in, that way I won't have to force myself to let them go.
Sometimes I think I'm making progress. It's like baby steps. I'll sit down one day and look at my life and tell myself that things have gotten better. That everything will be okay. Then I take a genuine look, and it's not. Nothing's ever really alright is it? There's always something somewhere which will be a problem. Always.
I always feel like I'm hurting someone. Or close to it anyway. I feel like I can't have friends, because they'll get hurt in the end. Joe doesn't talk to me anymore. It's like people feel like they can promise you that they'll always be there for you, just as a way of justifying that they're slipping away from you. A promise that they won't keep, just to indulge their guilt. I don't want people to feel like they have to be friends with me. Like they always have to be there for me. Because doing something because you have to and doing something because you want to are two completely different things, and I'd rather the second. I just hate the feeling of missing people when there's no need. The worst thing about missing someone is knowing that there's no chance of getting rid of that feeling, because you won't see them again.
When I miss my best friend I know I'll see him at the weekend, if I want I could see him there and then. But with Darryl, I know I'll never be able to see him again. That's just how it turned out, and I'll never understand why my life developed into this path, why this happened to me, why it had to happen when and how it did. But I've learnt not to question. I'll never find any answers.
Darryl, there's nothing to say but I miss you. I hope there's a way I'll find you again, but I'll have to try and figure that out. You were my sunshine. Literally. You were the place I felt safe, where everything fell into place and nothing else at all mattered. Time froze. I can't explain the fear of never having that again. I love you, always.
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