Tailored sheets, to fix this dirty bed.

I've been meaning to write a blog for the past couple of days, just because there's been a lot going through my mind and it always helps me to get everything written out somewhere. But now I'm here I'm not entirely sure where to start.
I always get this overwhelming feeling every now and then that I need to change something. Or that something needs to change. There's a difference between those I suppose.But right now I just have the feeling that I need to reinvent myself. Everything needs to become bigger, brighter, louder. I need to be braver. I need to stop caring what people think about what I do, how I work, the people that I talk to, what I wear. That'll be the hardest part. I don't even know what's happened to me for this to become such a big problem. This huge paranoia has just swamped me and I want to please everyone.
There's no use in that. *Kant would disagree, see he believed that there was a Summum Bonnum, which is where you can be happy and do the right thing. (it's impossible) he thought that humans were rational and wouldn't aim for something which they couldn't achieve. So God made the Summum Bonnum acheivable in a place we know a Heaven.* - Bit of Philosophy revesion there, Moral Argument ;)
But really, there's no use in me trying to conform to please everyone, there will always be someone along the line who doesn't like how I am. I know what I want to be like. I just need to make a list of how to get there.

That brings me to another point, I think I'm mildly OCD. None of my food can touch. It has to be eaten in sections. Don't start another type of food until you've finished the first. And everything has to be straight. Nothing at all can be wonky. Really, nothing. It's stupid, but I've beomce such an perfectionist beacause of it.
Exams in about 3/2 weeks. Fuck.I'm 17 in 28 days. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm my mind I feel no different than I did when I was 12, but I know that I'm a completely different person now to the person I was all those years ago. Things have changed me, people have changed me, and in ways I'm grateful. If I hadn't been through half the shit I have, I know that I wouldn't be as strong as I am now.
Okay, now I need to say some things to a few people.
01.I hate how distressed you get. I know that it's not your fault, that it's your illnesses, and it's all happened to you way too young. But I love you, and I will never ever leave you. I just want you to be well again.
02.I hope you're having a good day. & I'm stubborn so I won't talk you you first. I'm sorry for how I was on Friday, but I can't explain it. It just annoys me how you think we can just forget everything, it doesn't work like that. But incase you hadn't realised, and I doubt that you have, but I'm distancing myself from you. On Friday, I saw how better you are without me. You looked a lot happier, and I'm not willing to take that from you anymore. You'll be better now.
03.You're supposed to be my best friend. I hate the way you fucking never seem to able to talk to me about my problems? I spend all day fucking telling you your girlfriend loves you, that she wouldn't do this or that, telling you that you need to stay here, that there's no use in giving up. You just tell me not to go out so much and that you dont know about '___ or ___ 'so you can't say much there? You're my best friend, and you don't even know what the fuck's going on in my life? I know everything about yours, yet you know nothing about mine. You're never there for me when I need you.
04.I'm sorry for how I've been recently. It's just been a dark place. Forgive me. ♥
05.I don't understand you, not one little bit. But it's you who's triggered this need for change within me. She was so pretty, it actually hurt. She's made me hate myself just that little bit more, and yeah everyone said to me she's fake but I don't care because you don't care. It annoys me, the way which you pretend to care when I seemed down, that meant a lot to me. But then next day, you barely talk to me? Did you just talk to me to try and make her jealous? Judging by the looks of her next to mine, it's highly unlikely. But really, please sort it out.

06.Get well please? I know you've never been completely well, and I hadn't been to see you in a long time, but I promise, as soon as you get better I'll come round every single day. I can make you coffee and we can talk about when you were a kid, and compare it with when I was a kid. God can't take you away from me as well, I'm on the verge of having nothing less. I love you nana ♥
07.I know I wasn't as close with him as any of you were, but it means so much to me that you've all well.. accepted me? I would honestly be so lost without you all. I wouldn't be here, I would have gone straight after him if I hadn't spoken to you all. Just thank you so much.
08.Thank you for being my family.
Darryl,
it's been six months now. I don't know how I feel about that. It feels so long since I last saw you, I miss you more than words could describe. If you were here I wouldn't been in this mess, I'd be with you and we'd be happy, or so I'd like to think. But then I can remember seeing you like it was just yesterday. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking it was. I know you were with me Friday and Saturday, it rained. I'm sorry that you've had to see me in such a state recently, and I promise you that I'm trying to sort myself out. I'ts just hard trying to find the right place to start. Also I'm going to appoligise in advance, but my red hair's going again. ♥ purple is the way forward. I told my friend Eden about you. It was nice to talk about you, because I don't get to do it often, the people I surround myself aren't comfortable with talking about it, and for their sake I keep my mouth shut. It's so nice when I see your friends. I think I'm able to call them our friends now? But it's so nice when I see them, I love hearing all their storys about you. It's nice to talk about you with people who knew you. Know you.
Thank you for helping out Mitch with him exams, he only wants to make you proud, just like I do. We all do.

GAH I need to go do my work. I love you sunshine, always. Nothing will ever change that, no matter what I do or whatever happens, I will always love you. Always.

There must be something so very wrong with me if all these people find it so easy to leave me. 
I hate myself. I can't even think straight.
I'm no where near as different as I like to make out I am. 
I try to walk like I think a confident person would, but I still look at the floor. 
I put people down to make myself look better.
Even though I don't want him, or him, I hate it when they talk to other girls. 
I like guys who read literature, have the sides of their head shaved and listen to The Smiths.
Yet the guys I get are either too nice, or complete cunts who just stop talking to me for no reason, after working their way into my life.
I don't feel anything.
I don't like how I've changed. But I can't remember what it was liek to be the person I was before Darryl left me. I just remember that I was happy. There was me and him. That's all I know.
I don't know how to get myself back.
I keep finding all these little things every day which just bring me lower and more so down.
My friend recommended another photographer to a band.
He's online, yet not talking to me.
She did it before I did.
They're happy, why is it so impossible for me?
I don't want to feel anything for anyone appart from my boy. I don't want my life to move on.
I don't want to feel like im moving on, & I don't even want to love anyone else.
You were my best friend, you had no one here. Then you replace me?
I can't take any more.

Understanding the shape



between your throat and collar


is exactly a true heart


to be kissed.






Understanding the nature


of words is to kiss them into shape.






Understanding the pretense.


In some other era the most Romantic thing


would be to let things wither beautifully.






Understanding one rainfall


growing inside another can make


a rainbow but only inside,


safe as houses.






Understanding nothing


is complete freedom.






Understanding the tilt of sleeping


is to reconcile breath with first memory.






Understanding your hands


are folded protectively only because


they are so agile and full of nothing,


so keen to touch my mouth.






Understanding courtly love


as archetypal memory


something to write essays about


over and over


like yearning caught in clouds of words.






Understanding the faces I see


are not nearly as beautiful as the faces they conceal.






Understanding eleven minutes past


is not a psychic message


just something you can train yourself


to recognise in crisis or temptation.






Understanding if you peel open a closed flower bud


it really can’t do itself up again.






Understanding a moment like this -


as it drifts between inner rooms -


a lonely ghost.






Understanding time


is opening doors and windows


in every place you’ve ever been


just to let in a little wavering light,


the chance memory,


an echo of your future self.

By Nevering

I finally feel like things are moving forward a little bit? I'll admit it's going way to fast for my liking, but it's progress all the same. I finished my photography exam today, and my teacher made me feel a little more confident in myself after he looked at my work and seemed pleased. ( That's good considdering me and him don't usually get along. ) My coursework needs to be completed by the end of the week, so i'll be using frees and time after school to do that. Then that's over and I can concentrate on my other subjects, thank God.
I also just got the form for my provisional licence, which is really surreal? But soon I'll be driving, and things will be easier. I just need to find a better job to fund this.
I've hopefully got another band who want photographs, maybe some promotional shoots, so that should be good as i don't have any of them under my belt. Another gig lined up during my study leave.
Hopefully everything's starting to fall into place?
Darryl, it's harder now, and i hate myself for it. It's harder to open up. But thank you for all the signs, that one couldn't have been more obvious. I'm sorry for crying. I hope I make you proud. I love you, brown eyes.

a little appreciation goes such a long way, believe me. it's nice to know that things are worth doing.

- But it's just the price I pay, destiny is calling me, open up my eager eyes, 'cause I'm Mr.Brightside.
Okay so I haven't posted anything on here for what feels like a really long time, I did have a few draft blogs but I deleted those as things are just constantly changing and things stop ebing relevant anymore. I've had the odd panic attack or two, I did tell my parents about one, because it happened when I was out, and again when I got home. Other than that they haven't mentioned it. And it seems to be happening less. But I'll just ignore it. I can handle myself.
So it's funny how doing the smallest thing can completely change your mood. That's what lead me to writing this. I pressed the refresh button on Facebook, and now I'm like, FUCK?! It was one of those moments, when you know in your head that there's no reason why you should care anymore, that there's nothing you can do. But then there's the sinking feeling in your stomach and the leap in your heart that tells you differently. It's the latter of those that I can't deny. No one else would think anything of it, apart from those who knew me, and would know what I would think about it. But again, it really is so stupid how I'm making such a big deal about this? I haven't even addressed to you all what it is yet. Okay, a girl who I know is a slag, is basically getting in there with a guy I like. Liked. Like. Liked. Past tense. But yes, I do realise how pathetic this is. But we can't help how we feel? Me and him don't talk anymore, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. But life must go on. If anything did happen between them, it wouldn't last. Nothing lasts forever. Sorted.
Sometimes I look at myself, and I wonder what the hell happened to me. I'm not the person I want to be, I'm not the person I was before, I'm not proud of half of the things that I have done. I'm caught in the middle. My goals are all so far away I won't start making progress any time soon. I have a handfull of friends in school, same outside of school. But I don't know who I trust. I hear myself talking sometimes, and I just thinkg 'why the hell am I saying this?'. I'm not proud of who I am. Every day I wish that there was some way which I could change everything inside-out and make evertything alright again. I hate the amount of determination that I have. It's like the feeling of sinking. You get dragged down, but you keep struggling upwards, getting nowhere, loosing energy and just making a whole lot of mess to be frank.
I realised the other day - when I got my results of my Ethics exam back and found I had failed - well I sat and had a little talk between me, my head and my heart. *I just had another revalation* Just because I write neatly in my book, feel organised and write out revision cards doesn't mean that anything's actually going in my head. Just because I set everything out neatly in a powerpoint doesn't get me a better grade. Just because I'm a perfectionist doesn't make me perfect. I don't know what I'm supposed to do really, I was so dissapointed with my result, because I know how hard I had tried and I genually thought I had done better. But I just have to pick myself up and learn from it. This time I think I have to do it on my own, although I haven't, I've had friends like Elliott telling me not to give up. I just feel I need to try and get through things on my own now.
As for my other revaltation. I don't quite know how to word it. But I don't know how to let anyone in anymore. I'm so scared of anything that has 'commitment' written over it, because I know how feelings change. I don't want to have any responcibilty for people's feelings, the last thing I want to do it to hurt anyone, but I'm so afraid of being alone. Where does this leave me? I only know where it has found me. I suppose looking outside-in I would be leading these three guys on, when I know full well that I have no intention of having a relationship now, or ever with any of them. But I keep them around so I'm not on my own, so that I feel wanted. The one guy that I truely want is out of my reach, he's with me, but just not physically, and my heart belongs to him. It always will and no one can really seem to understand that. That is my only commitment and I intend to keep to it. I get along with people fine, but I don't trust them. I don't trust anyone with my feelings. That is why I don't get close to anyone. I don't know how to anymore. Every guy that there has ever been has just ended in pain. All for various reasons. Darryl was different, he was perfect, the pain wasn't caused through any fault of his own like the others. Apart from making me fall in love with him.

But what do I do?

Darryl,
I wish I could remember the person that I was when I had you. I was clearly doing something right when I had you around. Now everything's just falling to pieces and I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. In the end, I think it's come down to how I don't care anymore. About anything. Everything goes over my head, I rarely feel anything. When I do feel anything, nowadays it's my heart leaping about like a rabit for some reason or another, usually for a bad reason. I just don't know.
He won't touch you, you know he won't. You know what I mean.
At 30STM, during Was It A Dream I turned to my left, and there was a kid the spitting image of you. I even did that double-take thing that people do. I stared at him for what felt like hours, but I hope it wasn't that long. But it was like I could just fool myself for a while that I was with you. That you had never left, that nothing had changed at all from the night I spent with you, and we were perfectly happy. I think it was you telling me that you were there with us, if only in spirit. Thank you for that. 
I know I'm not making you proud at all right now Darry' but I promise you, I'll turn everything around. I'll make it though, I'll do it all for you. I want you to be proud of me. I love you. I miss you. I wish I could be everything that you are, have the impact on people that you do, still do. I just wish more than ever right now that I could have you back here with me, if only for a while. I wouldn't think about having to let go, just being with you there and then would be good enough.
It disturbs me that when I think about last night, and I remember how hard it was to leave. I can't help but think, 'what if I didn't?' because, maybe if I didn't leave, maybe it wouldn't have happened, or turned out the way it did. 
Why is this so hard?
I love you sunshine. Always.
 

Surrender to nothing..

I'm not one of those people, who says at the start of a new year 'new year, new me.' I just think that's the biggest load of crap I've heard for a long time in all honesty. They'll all be complaining in status' on Facebook again after a number of days. I don't understand why a new year has to start in order for people to change how they are or how they act. If your personality or life is seriously that bad that change is needed, then why wait? Just because it's a new year, it doesn't make a difference to how well things go. For me, a new year just shows me how fast my life is going by. I can still remember days from primary school like they were yesterday. Things people have told me. Friends I've had and lost. I really hate how things have to change sometimes, but 'that's life' as I've been told so many times. I guess I have to learn to accept that I won't always be happy, people won't always like me, friends won't always be there, and I will always miss him. Nothing ever goes right for more than a number of days in this life, but I need to be grateful for all the things that I do have instead of dwelling on what I don't. I have a handfull of seriously good friends which is better than having loads of really shit ones. I have a family that cares about me, when I open my eyes and see it. I have a house with heating. Food in the cupboard. I have the most amazing person up in heaven watching over me. Being without him is like being without oxygen, but he's still there. I'm not completely failing school, which is better than being thrown out for my terrible grades. Well frankly I have to be happy with what I have, because it's not going to change anytime soon, new year or not.
I've learnt recently about judging people. I met someone a while ago, but I never took the time to talk to them properly and find out who they are. Then I started to get fucked off, because they were everywhere that I went. Most aspects of my life, there they would be. But then it turned out that she's a really brilliant person. She understands most of the shit I go through with guys, and because she knows who they are she's able to understand better than most. I can talk to her about anything and automatically trust her. Recently I don't know where I'd be without her. So if you ever stumble on this, I'm sorry I judged you in the beginning, & I love you for sure :)
Me and my friend Holly, we live our lives now by 'The Wise Words of Sam.' This would be in refferance to Sam who we met at Tap just after Christmas. Whenever either of us are down we just remind eachother of 'The Wise Words of Sam' and we remember that there's actually no reason why we should care what others think of us, tomorrow's always a new day and that people will always treat you like shit no matter where you go, but life goes on, and you'll always get through. This in ways goes to show hoow much one person can inspire you in the space of just an hour. I wish I could have the same out look on life as Sam, and be able to inspire people as he does. I suppose he doesn't see it himself.
Whatever I do here forward, is going to be for myself, or for Darryl. There's no reason why anyone else should matter in all honesty. Not that I don't love everyone else who's a part of my life, but everyone's changed including myself. People come in and out of my life like a fucking public toilet and nothing lasts forever. There's no reason why I should care what people think of me, when in reality I know that they won't be in my life forever. As long as I'm happy with the person that I am then I should have to change how I look or act for everyone else's pleasure.
I listen from music to Suicide Silence to Kasabian to Lady Gaga. I wear dresses and Bring Me The Horizon t-shirts and dorky glasses. I have friends who are slags, chavs, indie, and scene, emo and chemo, some you can't label at all. So good luck trying to label me, or taking a dislike to me because of something to do with my appearance. I don't try to fit in, I just do what I like. If that happens to fit in with whatever's 'it' right now, then so be it. I want to make Darryl proud and live my life like it's the only one I'll ever have. Which it is. It's not possible to make everyone happy, so I give up trying. I want to be happy.

Darryl;
It's two months today. 56 days. I still talk to you every night, I just hope you can hear me. I hope you saw me on New Years eve at Robins, I was so drunk, you would have laughed at me so hard. The hangover I had was a killer though, and I had to walk home from Top Road. I almost collapsed when I was home. I walked up Mierscourt Road too. I was talking to you the whole way again, people kept driving and walking past, fuck knows what they must have been thinking about me. It's so hard not to be upset about this still. Everyone told me that it would get easier once I got over the initial shock, and I have I'll admit it. Part of me still doesn't believe it, won't accept it. I can't even say.. That you're. You know. I just say 'when he left' or how you're 'gone'. I don't say goodbye. I don't need to because you're still here. You're just hiding. I know it, but when I say that out loud, people feel too awkward to say anything about how insane I must sound. Or they just go along with it, talking to me like I'm a child. I wish I'd been able to go to Southampton. Maybe things would have turned out differently to how they have now, but I didn't have enough money for my tattoo and that's what I want most of all from the trip. But I'm going to start putting money aside as soon as I've got my tickets for 30STM. I heard your mum got a tattoo the other day, one that you'd designed. One good thing that's come from this heartbreak is that I feel like I have a second family now. I love your friends and family as my own, but I can't help but wish that it would be happening with you there, part of it. I wish I could still text you and complain about my photography teacher picking on me. I wish it would rain instead of snow so I could feel like I was with you again. There's certain thoughts and memories of you which keep me going. I look at you and I think, those eyes once looked into mine. They saw my eyes, they saw me. Into me. Your smile once smiled at me, the dimples that showed through were mine in that moment. Your arms once held me, and showed me that you would be there only place that I would feel safe in from that moment forward. I have to hold onto those thoughts and memories, because my life does depend on it. You were mine for one night. & I'll never let it go. I love you sunshine, always and forever.


I might not be around much over the next few weeks, that includes Facebook, MSN, MySpace, school, Chatham blablabla. I'm pretty much going underground for a while as my dad's really ill. We partly know what's wrong with him, but he's having tests later today up the hospital. Can only hope for the best. Peace :)