There must be something so very wrong with me if all these people find it so easy to leave me.
I hate myself. I can't even think straight.
I'm no where near as different as I like to make out I am.
I try to walk like I think a confident person would, but I still look at the floor.
I put people down to make myself look better.
Even though I don't want him, or him, I hate it when they talk to other girls.
I like guys who read literature, have the sides of their head shaved and listen to The Smiths.
Yet the guys I get are either too nice, or complete cunts who just stop talking to me for no reason, after working their way into my life.
I don't feel anything.
I don't like how I've changed. But I can't remember what it was liek to be the person I was before Darryl left me. I just remember that I was happy. There was me and him. That's all I know.
I don't know how to get myself back.
I keep finding all these little things every day which just bring me lower and more so down.
My friend recommended another photographer to a band.
He's online, yet not talking to me.
She did it before I did.
They're happy, why is it so impossible for me?
I don't want to feel anything for anyone appart from my boy. I don't want my life to move on.
I don't want to feel like im moving on, & I don't even want to love anyone else.
You were my best friend, you had no one here. Then you replace me?
I can't take any more.
ROO | DARRYL BELL | PHOTOGRAPHY | ALEVELS | MUSIC
Monday, April 26
Understanding the shape
between your throat and collar
is exactly a true heart
to be kissed.
Understanding the nature
of words is to kiss them into shape.
Understanding the pretense.
In some other era the most Romantic thing
would be to let things wither beautifully.
Understanding one rainfall
growing inside another can make
a rainbow but only inside,
safe as houses.
Understanding nothing
is complete freedom.
Understanding the tilt of sleeping
is to reconcile breath with first memory.
Understanding your hands
are folded protectively only because
they are so agile and full of nothing,
so keen to touch my mouth.
Understanding courtly love
as archetypal memory
something to write essays about
over and over
like yearning caught in clouds of words.
Understanding the faces I see
are not nearly as beautiful as the faces they conceal.
Understanding eleven minutes past
is not a psychic message
just something you can train yourself
to recognise in crisis or temptation.
Understanding if you peel open a closed flower bud
it really can’t do itself up again.
Understanding a moment like this -
as it drifts between inner rooms -
a lonely ghost.
Understanding time
is opening doors and windows
in every place you’ve ever been
just to let in a little wavering light,
the chance memory,
an echo of your future self.
By Nevering
between your throat and collar
is exactly a true heart
to be kissed.
Understanding the nature
of words is to kiss them into shape.
Understanding the pretense.
In some other era the most Romantic thing
would be to let things wither beautifully.
Understanding one rainfall
growing inside another can make
a rainbow but only inside,
safe as houses.
Understanding nothing
is complete freedom.
Understanding the tilt of sleeping
is to reconcile breath with first memory.
Understanding your hands
are folded protectively only because
they are so agile and full of nothing,
so keen to touch my mouth.
Understanding courtly love
as archetypal memory
something to write essays about
over and over
like yearning caught in clouds of words.
Understanding the faces I see
are not nearly as beautiful as the faces they conceal.
Understanding eleven minutes past
is not a psychic message
just something you can train yourself
to recognise in crisis or temptation.
Understanding if you peel open a closed flower bud
it really can’t do itself up again.
Understanding a moment like this -
as it drifts between inner rooms -
a lonely ghost.
Understanding time
is opening doors and windows
in every place you’ve ever been
just to let in a little wavering light,
the chance memory,
an echo of your future self.
By Nevering
Tuesday, April 20
I finally feel like things are moving forward a little bit? I'll admit it's going way to fast for my liking, but it's progress all the same. I finished my photography exam today, and my teacher made me feel a little more confident in myself after he looked at my work and seemed pleased. ( That's good considdering me and him don't usually get along. ) My coursework needs to be completed by the end of the week, so i'll be using frees and time after school to do that. Then that's over and I can concentrate on my other subjects, thank God.
I also just got the form for my provisional licence, which is really surreal? But soon I'll be driving, and things will be easier. I just need to find a better job to fund this.
I've hopefully got another band who want photographs, maybe some promotional shoots, so that should be good as i don't have any of them under my belt. Another gig lined up during my study leave.
Hopefully everything's starting to fall into place?
Darryl, it's harder now, and i hate myself for it. It's harder to open up. But thank you for all the signs, that one couldn't have been more obvious. I'm sorry for crying. I hope I make you proud. I love you, brown eyes.
I also just got the form for my provisional licence, which is really surreal? But soon I'll be driving, and things will be easier. I just need to find a better job to fund this.
I've hopefully got another band who want photographs, maybe some promotional shoots, so that should be good as i don't have any of them under my belt. Another gig lined up during my study leave.
Hopefully everything's starting to fall into place?
Darryl, it's harder now, and i hate myself for it. It's harder to open up. But thank you for all the signs, that one couldn't have been more obvious. I'm sorry for crying. I hope I make you proud. I love you, brown eyes.
Sunday, April 18
Saturday, March 13
- But it's just the price I pay, destiny is calling me, open up my eager eyes, 'cause I'm Mr.Brightside.
Okay so I haven't posted anything on here for what feels like a really long time, I did have a few draft blogs but I deleted those as things are just constantly changing and things stop ebing relevant anymore. I've had the odd panic attack or two, I did tell my parents about one, because it happened when I was out, and again when I got home. Other than that they haven't mentioned it. And it seems to be happening less. But I'll just ignore it. I can handle myself.
So it's funny how doing the smallest thing can completely change your mood. That's what lead me to writing this. I pressed the refresh button on Facebook, and now I'm like, FUCK?! It was one of those moments, when you know in your head that there's no reason why you should care anymore, that there's nothing you can do. But then there's the sinking feeling in your stomach and the leap in your heart that tells you differently. It's the latter of those that I can't deny. No one else would think anything of it, apart from those who knew me, and would know what I would think about it. But again, it really is so stupid how I'm making such a big deal about this? I haven't even addressed to you all what it is yet. Okay, a girl who I know is a slag, is basically getting in there with a guy I like. Liked. Like. Liked. Past tense. But yes, I do realise how pathetic this is. But we can't help how we feel? Me and him don't talk anymore, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. But life must go on. If anything did happen between them, it wouldn't last. Nothing lasts forever. Sorted.
Sometimes I look at myself, and I wonder what the hell happened to me. I'm not the person I want to be, I'm not the person I was before, I'm not proud of half of the things that I have done. I'm caught in the middle. My goals are all so far away I won't start making progress any time soon. I have a handfull of friends in school, same outside of school. But I don't know who I trust. I hear myself talking sometimes, and I just thinkg 'why the hell am I saying this?'. I'm not proud of who I am. Every day I wish that there was some way which I could change everything inside-out and make evertything alright again. I hate the amount of determination that I have. It's like the feeling of sinking. You get dragged down, but you keep struggling upwards, getting nowhere, loosing energy and just making a whole lot of mess to be frank.
I realised the other day - when I got my results of my Ethics exam back and found I had failed - well I sat and had a little talk between me, my head and my heart. *I just had another revalation* Just because I write neatly in my book, feel organised and write out revision cards doesn't mean that anything's actually going in my head. Just because I set everything out neatly in a powerpoint doesn't get me a better grade. Just because I'm a perfectionist doesn't make me perfect. I don't know what I'm supposed to do really, I was so dissapointed with my result, because I know how hard I had tried and I genually thought I had done better. But I just have to pick myself up and learn from it. This time I think I have to do it on my own, although I haven't, I've had friends like Elliott telling me not to give up. I just feel I need to try and get through things on my own now.
As for my other revaltation. I don't quite know how to word it. But I don't know how to let anyone in anymore. I'm so scared of anything that has 'commitment' written over it, because I know how feelings change. I don't want to have any responcibilty for people's feelings, the last thing I want to do it to hurt anyone, but I'm so afraid of being alone. Where does this leave me? I only know where it has found me. I suppose looking outside-in I would be leading these three guys on, when I know full well that I have no intention of having a relationship now, or ever with any of them. But I keep them around so I'm not on my own, so that I feel wanted. The one guy that I truely want is out of my reach, he's with me, but just not physically, and my heart belongs to him. It always will and no one can really seem to understand that. That is my only commitment and I intend to keep to it. I get along with people fine, but I don't trust them. I don't trust anyone with my feelings. That is why I don't get close to anyone. I don't know how to anymore. Every guy that there has ever been has just ended in pain. All for various reasons. Darryl was different, he was perfect, the pain wasn't caused through any fault of his own like the others. Apart from making me fall in love with him.
But what do I do?
Darryl,
I wish I could remember the person that I was when I had you. I was clearly doing something right when I had you around. Now everything's just falling to pieces and I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. In the end, I think it's come down to how I don't care anymore. About anything. Everything goes over my head, I rarely feel anything. When I do feel anything, nowadays it's my heart leaping about like a rabit for some reason or another, usually for a bad reason. I just don't know.
He won't touch you, you know he won't. You know what I mean.
At 30STM, during Was It A Dream I turned to my left, and there was a kid the spitting image of you. I even did that double-take thing that people do. I stared at him for what felt like hours, but I hope it wasn't that long. But it was like I could just fool myself for a while that I was with you. That you had never left, that nothing had changed at all from the night I spent with you, and we were perfectly happy. I think it was you telling me that you were there with us, if only in spirit. Thank you for that.
I know I'm not making you proud at all right now Darry' but I promise you, I'll turn everything around. I'll make it though, I'll do it all for you. I want you to be proud of me. I love you. I miss you. I wish I could be everything that you are, have the impact on people that you do, still do. I just wish more than ever right now that I could have you back here with me, if only for a while. I wouldn't think about having to let go, just being with you there and then would be good enough.
It disturbs me that when I think about last night, and I remember how hard it was to leave. I can't help but think, 'what if I didn't?' because, maybe if I didn't leave, maybe it wouldn't have happened, or turned out the way it did.
Why is this so hard?
I love you sunshine. Always.
Okay so I haven't posted anything on here for what feels like a really long time, I did have a few draft blogs but I deleted those as things are just constantly changing and things stop ebing relevant anymore. I've had the odd panic attack or two, I did tell my parents about one, because it happened when I was out, and again when I got home. Other than that they haven't mentioned it. And it seems to be happening less. But I'll just ignore it. I can handle myself.
So it's funny how doing the smallest thing can completely change your mood. That's what lead me to writing this. I pressed the refresh button on Facebook, and now I'm like, FUCK?! It was one of those moments, when you know in your head that there's no reason why you should care anymore, that there's nothing you can do. But then there's the sinking feeling in your stomach and the leap in your heart that tells you differently. It's the latter of those that I can't deny. No one else would think anything of it, apart from those who knew me, and would know what I would think about it. But again, it really is so stupid how I'm making such a big deal about this? I haven't even addressed to you all what it is yet. Okay, a girl who I know is a slag, is basically getting in there with a guy I like. Liked. Like. Liked. Past tense. But yes, I do realise how pathetic this is. But we can't help how we feel? Me and him don't talk anymore, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. But life must go on. If anything did happen between them, it wouldn't last. Nothing lasts forever. Sorted.
Sometimes I look at myself, and I wonder what the hell happened to me. I'm not the person I want to be, I'm not the person I was before, I'm not proud of half of the things that I have done. I'm caught in the middle. My goals are all so far away I won't start making progress any time soon. I have a handfull of friends in school, same outside of school. But I don't know who I trust. I hear myself talking sometimes, and I just thinkg 'why the hell am I saying this?'. I'm not proud of who I am. Every day I wish that there was some way which I could change everything inside-out and make evertything alright again. I hate the amount of determination that I have. It's like the feeling of sinking. You get dragged down, but you keep struggling upwards, getting nowhere, loosing energy and just making a whole lot of mess to be frank.
I realised the other day - when I got my results of my Ethics exam back and found I had failed - well I sat and had a little talk between me, my head and my heart. *I just had another revalation* Just because I write neatly in my book, feel organised and write out revision cards doesn't mean that anything's actually going in my head. Just because I set everything out neatly in a powerpoint doesn't get me a better grade. Just because I'm a perfectionist doesn't make me perfect. I don't know what I'm supposed to do really, I was so dissapointed with my result, because I know how hard I had tried and I genually thought I had done better. But I just have to pick myself up and learn from it. This time I think I have to do it on my own, although I haven't, I've had friends like Elliott telling me not to give up. I just feel I need to try and get through things on my own now.
As for my other revaltation. I don't quite know how to word it. But I don't know how to let anyone in anymore. I'm so scared of anything that has 'commitment' written over it, because I know how feelings change. I don't want to have any responcibilty for people's feelings, the last thing I want to do it to hurt anyone, but I'm so afraid of being alone. Where does this leave me? I only know where it has found me. I suppose looking outside-in I would be leading these three guys on, when I know full well that I have no intention of having a relationship now, or ever with any of them. But I keep them around so I'm not on my own, so that I feel wanted. The one guy that I truely want is out of my reach, he's with me, but just not physically, and my heart belongs to him. It always will and no one can really seem to understand that. That is my only commitment and I intend to keep to it. I get along with people fine, but I don't trust them. I don't trust anyone with my feelings. That is why I don't get close to anyone. I don't know how to anymore. Every guy that there has ever been has just ended in pain. All for various reasons. Darryl was different, he was perfect, the pain wasn't caused through any fault of his own like the others. Apart from making me fall in love with him.
But what do I do?
Darryl,
I wish I could remember the person that I was when I had you. I was clearly doing something right when I had you around. Now everything's just falling to pieces and I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. In the end, I think it's come down to how I don't care anymore. About anything. Everything goes over my head, I rarely feel anything. When I do feel anything, nowadays it's my heart leaping about like a rabit for some reason or another, usually for a bad reason. I just don't know.
He won't touch you, you know he won't. You know what I mean.
At 30STM, during Was It A Dream I turned to my left, and there was a kid the spitting image of you. I even did that double-take thing that people do. I stared at him for what felt like hours, but I hope it wasn't that long. But it was like I could just fool myself for a while that I was with you. That you had never left, that nothing had changed at all from the night I spent with you, and we were perfectly happy. I think it was you telling me that you were there with us, if only in spirit. Thank you for that.
I know I'm not making you proud at all right now Darry' but I promise you, I'll turn everything around. I'll make it though, I'll do it all for you. I want you to be proud of me. I love you. I miss you. I wish I could be everything that you are, have the impact on people that you do, still do. I just wish more than ever right now that I could have you back here with me, if only for a while. I wouldn't think about having to let go, just being with you there and then would be good enough.
It disturbs me that when I think about last night, and I remember how hard it was to leave. I can't help but think, 'what if I didn't?' because, maybe if I didn't leave, maybe it wouldn't have happened, or turned out the way it did.
Why is this so hard?
I love you sunshine. Always.
Friday, January 8
Surrender to nothing..
I'm not one of those people, who says at the start of a new year 'new year, new me.' I just think that's the biggest load of crap I've heard for a long time in all honesty. They'll all be complaining in status' on Facebook again after a number of days. I don't understand why a new year has to start in order for people to change how they are or how they act. If your personality or life is seriously that bad that change is needed, then why wait? Just because it's a new year, it doesn't make a difference to how well things go. For me, a new year just shows me how fast my life is going by. I can still remember days from primary school like they were yesterday. Things people have told me. Friends I've had and lost. I really hate how things have to change sometimes, but 'that's life' as I've been told so many times. I guess I have to learn to accept that I won't always be happy, people won't always like me, friends won't always be there, and I will always miss him. Nothing ever goes right for more than a number of days in this life, but I need to be grateful for all the things that I do have instead of dwelling on what I don't. I have a handfull of seriously good friends which is better than having loads of really shit ones. I have a family that cares about me, when I open my eyes and see it. I have a house with heating. Food in the cupboard. I have the most amazing person up in heaven watching over me. Being without him is like being without oxygen, but he's still there. I'm not completely failing school, which is better than being thrown out for my terrible grades. Well frankly I have to be happy with what I have, because it's not going to change anytime soon, new year or not.
I've learnt recently about judging people. I met someone a while ago, but I never took the time to talk to them properly and find out who they are. Then I started to get fucked off, because they were everywhere that I went. Most aspects of my life, there they would be. But then it turned out that she's a really brilliant person. She understands most of the shit I go through with guys, and because she knows who they are she's able to understand better than most. I can talk to her about anything and automatically trust her. Recently I don't know where I'd be without her. So if you ever stumble on this, I'm sorry I judged you in the beginning, & I love you for sure :)
Me and my friend Holly, we live our lives now by 'The Wise Words of Sam.' This would be in refferance to Sam who we met at Tap just after Christmas. Whenever either of us are down we just remind eachother of 'The Wise Words of Sam' and we remember that there's actually no reason why we should care what others think of us, tomorrow's always a new day and that people will always treat you like shit no matter where you go, but life goes on, and you'll always get through. This in ways goes to show hoow much one person can inspire you in the space of just an hour. I wish I could have the same out look on life as Sam, and be able to inspire people as he does. I suppose he doesn't see it himself.
Whatever I do here forward, is going to be for myself, or for Darryl. There's no reason why anyone else should matter in all honesty. Not that I don't love everyone else who's a part of my life, but everyone's changed including myself. People come in and out of my life like a fucking public toilet and nothing lasts forever. There's no reason why I should care what people think of me, when in reality I know that they won't be in my life forever. As long as I'm happy with the person that I am then I should have to change how I look or act for everyone else's pleasure.
I listen from music to Suicide Silence to Kasabian to Lady Gaga. I wear dresses and Bring Me The Horizon t-shirts and dorky glasses. I have friends who are slags, chavs, indie, and scene, emo and chemo, some you can't label at all. So good luck trying to label me, or taking a dislike to me because of something to do with my appearance. I don't try to fit in, I just do what I like. If that happens to fit in with whatever's 'it' right now, then so be it. I want to make Darryl proud and live my life like it's the only one I'll ever have. Which it is. It's not possible to make everyone happy, so I give up trying. I want to be happy.
Darryl;
It's two months today. 56 days. I still talk to you every night, I just hope you can hear me. I hope you saw me on New Years eve at Robins, I was so drunk, you would have laughed at me so hard. The hangover I had was a killer though, and I had to walk home from Top Road. I almost collapsed when I was home. I walked up Mierscourt Road too. I was talking to you the whole way again, people kept driving and walking past, fuck knows what they must have been thinking about me. It's so hard not to be upset about this still. Everyone told me that it would get easier once I got over the initial shock, and I have I'll admit it. Part of me still doesn't believe it, won't accept it. I can't even say.. That you're. You know. I just say 'when he left' or how you're 'gone'. I don't say goodbye. I don't need to because you're still here. You're just hiding. I know it, but when I say that out loud, people feel too awkward to say anything about how insane I must sound. Or they just go along with it, talking to me like I'm a child. I wish I'd been able to go to Southampton. Maybe things would have turned out differently to how they have now, but I didn't have enough money for my tattoo and that's what I want most of all from the trip. But I'm going to start putting money aside as soon as I've got my tickets for 30STM. I heard your mum got a tattoo the other day, one that you'd designed. One good thing that's come from this heartbreak is that I feel like I have a second family now. I love your friends and family as my own, but I can't help but wish that it would be happening with you there, part of it. I wish I could still text you and complain about my photography teacher picking on me. I wish it would rain instead of snow so I could feel like I was with you again. There's certain thoughts and memories of you which keep me going. I look at you and I think, those eyes once looked into mine. They saw my eyes, they saw me. Into me. Your smile once smiled at me, the dimples that showed through were mine in that moment. Your arms once held me, and showed me that you would be there only place that I would feel safe in from that moment forward. I have to hold onto those thoughts and memories, because my life does depend on it. You were mine for one night. & I'll never let it go. I love you sunshine, always and forever.
I might not be around much over the next few weeks, that includes Facebook, MSN, MySpace, school, Chatham blablabla. I'm pretty much going underground for a while as my dad's really ill. We partly know what's wrong with him, but he's having tests later today up the hospital. Can only hope for the best. Peace :)
I've learnt recently about judging people. I met someone a while ago, but I never took the time to talk to them properly and find out who they are. Then I started to get fucked off, because they were everywhere that I went. Most aspects of my life, there they would be. But then it turned out that she's a really brilliant person. She understands most of the shit I go through with guys, and because she knows who they are she's able to understand better than most. I can talk to her about anything and automatically trust her. Recently I don't know where I'd be without her. So if you ever stumble on this, I'm sorry I judged you in the beginning, & I love you for sure :)
Me and my friend Holly, we live our lives now by 'The Wise Words of Sam.' This would be in refferance to Sam who we met at Tap just after Christmas. Whenever either of us are down we just remind eachother of 'The Wise Words of Sam' and we remember that there's actually no reason why we should care what others think of us, tomorrow's always a new day and that people will always treat you like shit no matter where you go, but life goes on, and you'll always get through. This in ways goes to show hoow much one person can inspire you in the space of just an hour. I wish I could have the same out look on life as Sam, and be able to inspire people as he does. I suppose he doesn't see it himself.
Whatever I do here forward, is going to be for myself, or for Darryl. There's no reason why anyone else should matter in all honesty. Not that I don't love everyone else who's a part of my life, but everyone's changed including myself. People come in and out of my life like a fucking public toilet and nothing lasts forever. There's no reason why I should care what people think of me, when in reality I know that they won't be in my life forever. As long as I'm happy with the person that I am then I should have to change how I look or act for everyone else's pleasure.
I listen from music to Suicide Silence to Kasabian to Lady Gaga. I wear dresses and Bring Me The Horizon t-shirts and dorky glasses. I have friends who are slags, chavs, indie, and scene, emo and chemo, some you can't label at all. So good luck trying to label me, or taking a dislike to me because of something to do with my appearance. I don't try to fit in, I just do what I like. If that happens to fit in with whatever's 'it' right now, then so be it. I want to make Darryl proud and live my life like it's the only one I'll ever have. Which it is. It's not possible to make everyone happy, so I give up trying. I want to be happy.
Darryl;
It's two months today. 56 days. I still talk to you every night, I just hope you can hear me. I hope you saw me on New Years eve at Robins, I was so drunk, you would have laughed at me so hard. The hangover I had was a killer though, and I had to walk home from Top Road. I almost collapsed when I was home. I walked up Mierscourt Road too. I was talking to you the whole way again, people kept driving and walking past, fuck knows what they must have been thinking about me. It's so hard not to be upset about this still. Everyone told me that it would get easier once I got over the initial shock, and I have I'll admit it. Part of me still doesn't believe it, won't accept it. I can't even say.. That you're. You know. I just say 'when he left' or how you're 'gone'. I don't say goodbye. I don't need to because you're still here. You're just hiding. I know it, but when I say that out loud, people feel too awkward to say anything about how insane I must sound. Or they just go along with it, talking to me like I'm a child. I wish I'd been able to go to Southampton. Maybe things would have turned out differently to how they have now, but I didn't have enough money for my tattoo and that's what I want most of all from the trip. But I'm going to start putting money aside as soon as I've got my tickets for 30STM. I heard your mum got a tattoo the other day, one that you'd designed. One good thing that's come from this heartbreak is that I feel like I have a second family now. I love your friends and family as my own, but I can't help but wish that it would be happening with you there, part of it. I wish I could still text you and complain about my photography teacher picking on me. I wish it would rain instead of snow so I could feel like I was with you again. There's certain thoughts and memories of you which keep me going. I look at you and I think, those eyes once looked into mine. They saw my eyes, they saw me. Into me. Your smile once smiled at me, the dimples that showed through were mine in that moment. Your arms once held me, and showed me that you would be there only place that I would feel safe in from that moment forward. I have to hold onto those thoughts and memories, because my life does depend on it. You were mine for one night. & I'll never let it go. I love you sunshine, always and forever.
I might not be around much over the next few weeks, that includes Facebook, MSN, MySpace, school, Chatham blablabla. I'm pretty much going underground for a while as my dad's really ill. We partly know what's wrong with him, but he's having tests later today up the hospital. Can only hope for the best. Peace :)
Wednesday, December 30
Untitled
28|21
You are so beautiful, you are the kind of girl that has the chemicals, that make me fall in love.
What exactly is it that defines everything? Defines how beautiful someone is. Defines who's worthy of our affection and who isn't. Defines what's laughable, what's good enough to dance to, and what isn't. I pretty much had a monumental day yesterday, for a number of reasons.
Well, firstly im now single. And that's made me happier than most. I have no idea why I was so worried about hurting him, because he even told me that he didn't care anymore, so it couldn't have been made any clearer. But now the freedom that's tidalwaved over me is such an unbelievable relief. The thing that I find funny is that people are worrying about me. But they don't understand that I was never cut out for a relationship after Darryl anyway. It just doesn't feel right. It felt like some uncomfortable lump of guilt in my chest and this weight on my shoulders. It's almost been lifted. But I know it'll always be there, it'll just change and hurt in different ways throughout my life. It's the kind of pain that never leaves you.
30|12
I pretty much had a terrible day today. The worst I've had since the day he left and the few days following. And I guess it's been so bad for the most pathetic of reasons. I wanted a webbing piercing (basically the funny part under your tounge) but Andy Jay refused to pierce mine. In reality I'd love facial piercings but my parents would kill me to put it bluntly. So I left the shop the same as i'd entered it. Oh the dissapointment was unreal. BUT if i promise myself anything for next year it's this: 'another piercing. Doesn't matter what, doesn't matter why. Just another piercing' I swear they're addictive. And then there was you. I don't understand you one tiny bit! You know what, I just hope you have fun on newyears. Hope she's worth it really. But it's not as if you'd care about me being upset or off with you or anything like that right now, because you're hardly fucking talking to me. And in all honesty I have no fucking idea why? It's insane that wherever the hell I go there's something of you there. The whole day I was convinced I might just bump into you. And yeah I really wasn't in the possition for that to happen, rain & hair does not mix well when it's Rachel(hyphon)Katy. But part of me really wanted to see you. I guess it's just because you've taught me to ignore what people think, not let all the tiny things let me down. But I just can't seem to apply that thinking to you. I suppose that's the problem. You understood how I feltabout Darryl sometimes, becausse you felt it true. Like when you miss someone so much you feel sick to the pit of your stomach. I miss it when you used to worry about how I was, how i felt, because right now I honestly feel like you couldn't give a damn. And what hurts most is how much I wish you would. I hate how this seems to always happen to me. I meet people, and then they change. It's happened to me so much this year and I'm just sick of it. Why do things change? People don't actually seem to realise that everything they do effects the people around them. For example, you're off with me, i get in a bad mood, my friends worry about me and my parents worry about me. Just because of you acting that way with me for whatever unknown reason, a whole load more people are effected than you first thought. People don't think like that, and maybe they shouldn't. Maybe it's just too complicated for the human race to actually think about the consequences of their actions. Maybe that would just make life too easy.
God i'l admit i'm so much happier being single. But i'd be a whole lot happier if i knew exactly what i'd done wrong for you to suddenly be all short with me. There's no explanation I can think of. And I know I've been here once before. Theres the stages. First, where you meet and everythings all happy and sunshine. Then things change, you try your hardest to get things back to normal but fail. And then you start to think about what it is that made everything change, and the only thing you can find to blame is yourself. & this is what I'm going through. Im competely blaming myself. Im blaming the face that I dont have any stupid facial piercings. That my hair it's a stupid brown|red and ever stays straight enough. That my eyes are boring brown. I pretty much look like any other girl. That my boobs aren't big enough and that i wear my clothes completely wrong. I thought I may just have been good enough for you once, I suppose I was just blind. I wish I could change to make you want me. I think everyone has someone in the world they would do that for. But there's something wrong in the fact that there's too many people I would do it for.
& every second i waste is more than i can take. im so numb i can feel you there, i've become so tired, so much more aware. By becoming this all i want to do, is be more like me and be less like you. And i know, i may end up failing you.
I can only hope that the new year will bring exactly what it says. 'New'. New people for starters, not that I would change the people that I've met towards the end of this year for anything, it's just, I need to meet more.I want to get more into my photography. Building things up for myself. I had two offers at Tap in sunday to do photography for bands, so that's a big step forward. I want to find a way to be happier in myself. But i dont know how im going to do that. I want to be able to care what people think less. I don't know what else I want, but I know i'd give anything to be able to spend next year with Darryl. Just anything.
Okay so I'd like to seriously thank two people that I met towards the end of this year. I don't know either of them at all well but they've kept me going in completely different ways. I'm not sure if either of you will read this, but I can only hope.
Sam Craddock. (forgive me if i spelt your name wrong). That night that we met at Tap, I pretty much discovered someone who has one of the best out looks on life. You helped to remind me that life has to go on after the most painful of things. Like you said, there's always tomorrow, there's always a new day. Thankyou for brigntening me up. I hope i'l see you again soon hun.
Joella Colwell. You've been such a rock to me ever since we lost Darryl. The pain I feel cannot possibly compare to the best friend that you've lost, yet regardless you still magane to find the strength to help me through. I would have killed myself if it wasn't for you.And that pretty much is the cold hard truth. I can't find the words to thank you for being there for me and for helping me see sense. He'd be so proud of you, of who you are and what you've done. He's watching us I know it.
Darryl
I know i keep saying it, but i wouldn't be in this mess if you were here. Im sorry I keep saying that to you over and over again, but it's just so true. If you were here with me now, i know that i wouldn't care what anyone else thought of me. I'd be happy in myself, happy in being with you. You'd be everything, and that would be just perfect. I wished you were here so much today. I keep wishing and wishing for things over and over again but none of them seem to come true. I suppose i should have learnt that from the last time I really wished for something. That was when I heard about you being in hospital. I wished and prayed so hard, but it didn't work. I wish i knew why. See, there I go again, wishing. I still can't read the newspapers. I can't bring myself to do it. I actually walked into a petrol station, and glanced at the papers outside and there you were similing back at me on the front cover. It almost sickens me in a way. I just want to escape everything, I think that part of me still hasnt accepted that you're gone. But if you weren't gone, then I wouldn't feel this gaping hole in my chest threatening to swallow me whole. If you werent gone then I wouldnt have a reason to cry myself to panic attacks. I know, i know deep in my mind and my heart that you wouldn't want me to feel like this. But for fuck sake Darryl have you ever tried living without you? It's harder than you'd ever imagine. I should be spending new years with you. Next year with you. I'd love that more than anything else in the world. Yet now for the rest of my life I'l be forced to settle for second best. That's the harsh reality of it. Nothing compares to you. I hope you've got The Rev up there with you now baby, that'd be completely awesome for you. I love you Darryl, more than you will ever know. & even though every day that goes by i seem to break that little bit more, i know one day I'll see you again. It's the only thing that keeps me going. See you soon baby, just wait. Always.
If you don't want me then I guess I'll have to go. Not loving you is harder than you know.
-Escape The Fate, Harder Than You Know
You are so beautiful, you are the kind of girl that has the chemicals, that make me fall in love.
What exactly is it that defines everything? Defines how beautiful someone is. Defines who's worthy of our affection and who isn't. Defines what's laughable, what's good enough to dance to, and what isn't. I pretty much had a monumental day yesterday, for a number of reasons.
Well, firstly im now single. And that's made me happier than most. I have no idea why I was so worried about hurting him, because he even told me that he didn't care anymore, so it couldn't have been made any clearer. But now the freedom that's tidalwaved over me is such an unbelievable relief. The thing that I find funny is that people are worrying about me. But they don't understand that I was never cut out for a relationship after Darryl anyway. It just doesn't feel right. It felt like some uncomfortable lump of guilt in my chest and this weight on my shoulders. It's almost been lifted. But I know it'll always be there, it'll just change and hurt in different ways throughout my life. It's the kind of pain that never leaves you.
30|12
I pretty much had a terrible day today. The worst I've had since the day he left and the few days following. And I guess it's been so bad for the most pathetic of reasons. I wanted a webbing piercing (basically the funny part under your tounge) but Andy Jay refused to pierce mine. In reality I'd love facial piercings but my parents would kill me to put it bluntly. So I left the shop the same as i'd entered it. Oh the dissapointment was unreal. BUT if i promise myself anything for next year it's this: 'another piercing. Doesn't matter what, doesn't matter why. Just another piercing' I swear they're addictive. And then there was you. I don't understand you one tiny bit! You know what, I just hope you have fun on newyears. Hope she's worth it really. But it's not as if you'd care about me being upset or off with you or anything like that right now, because you're hardly fucking talking to me. And in all honesty I have no fucking idea why? It's insane that wherever the hell I go there's something of you there. The whole day I was convinced I might just bump into you. And yeah I really wasn't in the possition for that to happen, rain & hair does not mix well when it's Rachel(hyphon)Katy. But part of me really wanted to see you. I guess it's just because you've taught me to ignore what people think, not let all the tiny things let me down. But I just can't seem to apply that thinking to you. I suppose that's the problem. You understood how I feltabout Darryl sometimes, becausse you felt it true. Like when you miss someone so much you feel sick to the pit of your stomach. I miss it when you used to worry about how I was, how i felt, because right now I honestly feel like you couldn't give a damn. And what hurts most is how much I wish you would. I hate how this seems to always happen to me. I meet people, and then they change. It's happened to me so much this year and I'm just sick of it. Why do things change? People don't actually seem to realise that everything they do effects the people around them. For example, you're off with me, i get in a bad mood, my friends worry about me and my parents worry about me. Just because of you acting that way with me for whatever unknown reason, a whole load more people are effected than you first thought. People don't think like that, and maybe they shouldn't. Maybe it's just too complicated for the human race to actually think about the consequences of their actions. Maybe that would just make life too easy.
God i'l admit i'm so much happier being single. But i'd be a whole lot happier if i knew exactly what i'd done wrong for you to suddenly be all short with me. There's no explanation I can think of. And I know I've been here once before. Theres the stages. First, where you meet and everythings all happy and sunshine. Then things change, you try your hardest to get things back to normal but fail. And then you start to think about what it is that made everything change, and the only thing you can find to blame is yourself. & this is what I'm going through. Im competely blaming myself. Im blaming the face that I dont have any stupid facial piercings. That my hair it's a stupid brown|red and ever stays straight enough. That my eyes are boring brown. I pretty much look like any other girl. That my boobs aren't big enough and that i wear my clothes completely wrong. I thought I may just have been good enough for you once, I suppose I was just blind. I wish I could change to make you want me. I think everyone has someone in the world they would do that for. But there's something wrong in the fact that there's too many people I would do it for.
& every second i waste is more than i can take. im so numb i can feel you there, i've become so tired, so much more aware. By becoming this all i want to do, is be more like me and be less like you. And i know, i may end up failing you.
I can only hope that the new year will bring exactly what it says. 'New'. New people for starters, not that I would change the people that I've met towards the end of this year for anything, it's just, I need to meet more.I want to get more into my photography. Building things up for myself. I had two offers at Tap in sunday to do photography for bands, so that's a big step forward. I want to find a way to be happier in myself. But i dont know how im going to do that. I want to be able to care what people think less. I don't know what else I want, but I know i'd give anything to be able to spend next year with Darryl. Just anything.
Okay so I'd like to seriously thank two people that I met towards the end of this year. I don't know either of them at all well but they've kept me going in completely different ways. I'm not sure if either of you will read this, but I can only hope.
Sam Craddock. (forgive me if i spelt your name wrong). That night that we met at Tap, I pretty much discovered someone who has one of the best out looks on life. You helped to remind me that life has to go on after the most painful of things. Like you said, there's always tomorrow, there's always a new day. Thankyou for brigntening me up. I hope i'l see you again soon hun.
Joella Colwell. You've been such a rock to me ever since we lost Darryl. The pain I feel cannot possibly compare to the best friend that you've lost, yet regardless you still magane to find the strength to help me through. I would have killed myself if it wasn't for you.And that pretty much is the cold hard truth. I can't find the words to thank you for being there for me and for helping me see sense. He'd be so proud of you, of who you are and what you've done. He's watching us I know it.
Darryl
I know i keep saying it, but i wouldn't be in this mess if you were here. Im sorry I keep saying that to you over and over again, but it's just so true. If you were here with me now, i know that i wouldn't care what anyone else thought of me. I'd be happy in myself, happy in being with you. You'd be everything, and that would be just perfect. I wished you were here so much today. I keep wishing and wishing for things over and over again but none of them seem to come true. I suppose i should have learnt that from the last time I really wished for something. That was when I heard about you being in hospital. I wished and prayed so hard, but it didn't work. I wish i knew why. See, there I go again, wishing. I still can't read the newspapers. I can't bring myself to do it. I actually walked into a petrol station, and glanced at the papers outside and there you were similing back at me on the front cover. It almost sickens me in a way. I just want to escape everything, I think that part of me still hasnt accepted that you're gone. But if you weren't gone, then I wouldn't feel this gaping hole in my chest threatening to swallow me whole. If you werent gone then I wouldnt have a reason to cry myself to panic attacks. I know, i know deep in my mind and my heart that you wouldn't want me to feel like this. But for fuck sake Darryl have you ever tried living without you? It's harder than you'd ever imagine. I should be spending new years with you. Next year with you. I'd love that more than anything else in the world. Yet now for the rest of my life I'l be forced to settle for second best. That's the harsh reality of it. Nothing compares to you. I hope you've got The Rev up there with you now baby, that'd be completely awesome for you. I love you Darryl, more than you will ever know. & even though every day that goes by i seem to break that little bit more, i know one day I'll see you again. It's the only thing that keeps me going. See you soon baby, just wait. Always.
If you don't want me then I guess I'll have to go. Not loving you is harder than you know.
-Escape The Fate, Harder Than You Know
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