Why are you always running away?

My best friend knows me all too well. He knows what I want to say before I can even find a way to put it into words, which I often fail upon doing unless it's on here. I don't know why I always find it hard to say how I feel. I always say the wrong thing. It always comes out wrong. Or I just say it too late.
I always get scared of things. Not just things, that sounds meaningless. & if they're bothering me, then they can't be meaningless can they, they mean something to me. I get scared of.. Life. I don't know how else to put it. I'm genuinely frightened that the decisions I've made over the past year are going to grow into something that I'll look back on and regret for the rest of my life, however long or hopefully short that may be.
-No i'm not suicidal. Well maybe I am. I don't take my life for granted, I'm grateful for eerything and everyone that I have. I have a good family, and good friends. But life makes me tired. I'm tired of the same feeling, the same sickness. I would spend my life sleeping just so hat time passed faster. It always goes so slowly now. I'm just tired.-
I'm scared I've made the wrong choices, chased after the wrong people and let the right ones go.
I'm afraid of being close to people. I'm scared that they'll judge me, leave me, stop breathing. I genuinely feel alone, but it's not as if I don't have friends. I have a lot of friends, and I love them all with the whole of my heart, I don't want to think about where I'd be without them. But I'm just generally a person who's detached from the world which surrounds her. I think I must have taught myself to do that after losing someone who became such a big part of me in such a short time. I've taught myself not to let anyone in, that way I won't have to force myself to let them go.
Sometimes I think I'm making progress. It's like baby steps. I'll sit down one day and look at my life and tell myself that things have gotten better. That everything will be okay. Then I take a genuine look, and it's not. Nothing's ever really alright is it? There's always something somewhere which will be a problem. Always.
I always feel like I'm hurting someone. Or close to it anyway. I feel like I can't have friends, because they'll get hurt in the end. Joe doesn't talk to me anymore. It's like people feel like they can promise you that they'll always be there for you, just as a way of justifying that they're slipping away from you. A promise that they won't keep, just to indulge their guilt. I don't want people to feel like they have to be friends with me. Like they always have to be there for me. Because doing something because you have to and doing something because you want to are two completely different things, and I'd rather the second. I just hate the feeling of missing people when there's no need. The worst thing about missing someone is knowing that there's no chance of getting rid of that feeling, because you won't see them again.
When I miss my best friend I know I'll see him at the weekend, if I want I could see him there and then. But with Darryl, I know I'll never be able to see him again. That's just how it turned out, and I'll never understand why my life developed into this path, why this happened to me, why it had to happen when and how it did. But I've learnt not to question. I'll never find any answers.
Darryl, there's nothing to say but I miss you. I hope there's a way I'll find you again, but I'll have to try and figure that out. You were my sunshine. Literally. You were the place I felt safe, where everything fell into place and nothing else at all mattered. Time froze. I can't explain the fear of never having that again. I love you, always.

We're not in Wonderland anymore, Alice.

It's been a long time since I've posted anything on here, and I suppose a lot has actually happened in such a short space of time. I think it's easier to just start with the basics, although knowing my I'll just drift off into writing complete nonsense.
Photography's going well, I've noticed my work slowly improving, and I had the opitunity to take part in a local band shoot a few weeks ago. I had my first paid show last week. I've got a couple of shows coming up in a month or so as well, I just need to find a few jobs inbetween if I can.
I finished all of my exams, I think they we're all okay, apart from Ethics which I'm pretty sure I've failed.
Mum & Dad are going on holiday on Saturday to Wales, and I'm left at home with my sister because I'm still at school. I wouldn't have wanted to go with them to Wales anyway, but I haven't had a holiday for two years now & I can't even put into words how much I just want to get away from this place for a few days.
I've been having driving lessons, today was my third lesson and I drove all the way home. I think I'm improving so that's good, and my intructor mentioned booking a test soon, it's just the money side of things which is a problem. I don't want to drive my mum's car, because I absolutely despise it. I can't even afford to take my theory or driving test right now anyway, so fuck knows how I'm actually supposed to cope with buying a car, running it and covering insurance.
I don't talk to any of my 'best friends' anymore. Me, Anish & James went out a couple of weeks ago and I'm not going to lie, I loved them both so much that night. But things have gone back to how they were before again & neither of them talk to me much. I should have expected it. I don't talk to Holly much now either, because wherever we go she has to bring Nadine with her. I just don't see the point. So i'm leaving her to get on with her year 11 friends now she's left school, and I'm here if she ever feels like hanging out again. Which I'm guessing is when I will be driving by the way she used to talk about it. Whatever.
When you talk like that, I want to cry, because I'm petrified you'll do something stupid. I just want you to get better.
The one who was there after Darryl left, I'm over him. Okay, maybe not over him, but I've moved on. Darryl wouldn't want me to chase after some guy who doesn't give two fucks about me and just brings me down.
I have found someone who makes me happy again. & It kind of shocks me, because I was so convinced that I'll always be alone, that I won't be able to feel anything for anyone, that no one would want me because I'm fucked up. When he holds me, it feels the same as it did when Darryl held me. I feel safe. It feels like home, like I could just stay there forever and never leave. He's so childish but it makes me smile and he says the stupidest of things and thinks he's the funniest guy to walk this earth, but that's who he is. And who he is makes me happy.
I need to get over the jealousy issue I have though. He's in the band that I did the shoot with a few weeks ago, and he gets fan girls. A lot. & I'm not going to lie, it really frustrates me, when we're out, they're there. On Facebook, they're there. On Tumblr, they're there. It annoys me so much! And he randomly doesn't text me back sometimes.. Just randomly. I just needed to get all of that out.
Elliott, I know there's a good chance you'll read this, & I hope that you do.
Elly, okay please get well soon firstly, because if I can't see you for ages I'm going to miss you like fuck! and I'll have no one to get the train with to gigs, and no one to call when I need to talk about things and no one to wear penguin hats or get us lost. SO GET BETTER BITCH.
Thank you for everthing. I think Nafe's a bit jealous of you, because he told me he thought I liked someone else ;) funny that :/
No really, be serious Rachel. Elly, I could never have asked for a better person in my life. I know we have our arguments, a lot of the time and I hate it. I think it was because I was trying to push you away. Because I know you're better off without me, you were then and I still think you are now. But I'll never have any idea how you've managed to stand by me all these months, in all honesty, I think I've only just learnt how to cope with what happened, and that's thanks to you. Thank you for everything you've done for me. Thank you for loving me when no one else would. I hope you'll never leave me, but if one day you have to then I'll understand. I hope that there's someone on this Earth who is actually worthy of someone as genuine as you. & I hope that you realise from Saturday that I will fight for you, no matter what slag wants to get in my face about it. You're my best friend, no one fucks you around okay? Just look after yourself please? I love you.
Darryl,
I went to see Mitch preform & Hoo's Got Talent on Monday. I know you were watching, and that he made you just as proud as he made me. He is honestly so talented and dedicated to what he does, and I know that you're his inspiration. It was good to see everyone again, but weird at the same time. It was like where before we had felt like an extended part of your family, now we were just people meeting together as an annual thing. We all felt kind of detached, talking about life, work & school instead of talking about you. It bothered me, so I just stood in silence. I'm sorry. When I'm 18 I'm going to get the outline of a swallow on my wrist, and it'll represent you. Maybe when I pass they can tattoo a second on my opposite wrist and it'll represent me. Maybe. I don't like being scared of everything Darryl. I'm so scared of people just being there one day, and not being there the next. No one understands this. I'm so scared of feeling anything for anyone, because I know that when I'm happy it'll just get taken away from me again for months on end. I'm scared of loving someone. I'm scared of being touched. I'm scared of all the small things like being in their cars and talking to them or standing with them in the rain, or having them teach me how to skateboard, because every second I'm with them it's like they take away a part of you and replace it. I don't want to lose you, even though you've already left. I don't feel you here anymore. I feel like your family and friends hate me. I hate myself. I miss you so much, I've forgotten what your voice sounds like. I miss your eyes, your arms around me and the way you smelt when you held me.
I'll always love you, no matter who comes into my life or fucks me over. No matter if I tell them I love them, they will never ever manage to replace you. They can't live up to you. I will always love you. You're my sunshine, you're in the rain, the tree air fresheners in the cars, skateboards, Subway, Stephen King, Batman, Rochester, Hempstead Vally, the end of my road, the stars in the fuck sky. I can't escape you.

I CAN'T FUCKING HANDLE YOUR FAN GIRLS.

Tailored sheets, to fix this dirty bed.

I've been meaning to write a blog for the past couple of days, just because there's been a lot going through my mind and it always helps me to get everything written out somewhere. But now I'm here I'm not entirely sure where to start.
I always get this overwhelming feeling every now and then that I need to change something. Or that something needs to change. There's a difference between those I suppose.But right now I just have the feeling that I need to reinvent myself. Everything needs to become bigger, brighter, louder. I need to be braver. I need to stop caring what people think about what I do, how I work, the people that I talk to, what I wear. That'll be the hardest part. I don't even know what's happened to me for this to become such a big problem. This huge paranoia has just swamped me and I want to please everyone.
There's no use in that. *Kant would disagree, see he believed that there was a Summum Bonnum, which is where you can be happy and do the right thing. (it's impossible) he thought that humans were rational and wouldn't aim for something which they couldn't achieve. So God made the Summum Bonnum acheivable in a place we know a Heaven.* - Bit of Philosophy revesion there, Moral Argument ;)
But really, there's no use in me trying to conform to please everyone, there will always be someone along the line who doesn't like how I am. I know what I want to be like. I just need to make a list of how to get there.

That brings me to another point, I think I'm mildly OCD. None of my food can touch. It has to be eaten in sections. Don't start another type of food until you've finished the first. And everything has to be straight. Nothing at all can be wonky. Really, nothing. It's stupid, but I've beomce such an perfectionist beacause of it.
Exams in about 3/2 weeks. Fuck.I'm 17 in 28 days. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm my mind I feel no different than I did when I was 12, but I know that I'm a completely different person now to the person I was all those years ago. Things have changed me, people have changed me, and in ways I'm grateful. If I hadn't been through half the shit I have, I know that I wouldn't be as strong as I am now.
Okay, now I need to say some things to a few people.
01.I hate how distressed you get. I know that it's not your fault, that it's your illnesses, and it's all happened to you way too young. But I love you, and I will never ever leave you. I just want you to be well again.
02.I hope you're having a good day. & I'm stubborn so I won't talk you you first. I'm sorry for how I was on Friday, but I can't explain it. It just annoys me how you think we can just forget everything, it doesn't work like that. But incase you hadn't realised, and I doubt that you have, but I'm distancing myself from you. On Friday, I saw how better you are without me. You looked a lot happier, and I'm not willing to take that from you anymore. You'll be better now.
03.You're supposed to be my best friend. I hate the way you fucking never seem to able to talk to me about my problems? I spend all day fucking telling you your girlfriend loves you, that she wouldn't do this or that, telling you that you need to stay here, that there's no use in giving up. You just tell me not to go out so much and that you dont know about '___ or ___ 'so you can't say much there? You're my best friend, and you don't even know what the fuck's going on in my life? I know everything about yours, yet you know nothing about mine. You're never there for me when I need you.
04.I'm sorry for how I've been recently. It's just been a dark place. Forgive me. ♥
05.I don't understand you, not one little bit. But it's you who's triggered this need for change within me. She was so pretty, it actually hurt. She's made me hate myself just that little bit more, and yeah everyone said to me she's fake but I don't care because you don't care. It annoys me, the way which you pretend to care when I seemed down, that meant a lot to me. But then next day, you barely talk to me? Did you just talk to me to try and make her jealous? Judging by the looks of her next to mine, it's highly unlikely. But really, please sort it out.

06.Get well please? I know you've never been completely well, and I hadn't been to see you in a long time, but I promise, as soon as you get better I'll come round every single day. I can make you coffee and we can talk about when you were a kid, and compare it with when I was a kid. God can't take you away from me as well, I'm on the verge of having nothing less. I love you nana ♥
07.I know I wasn't as close with him as any of you were, but it means so much to me that you've all well.. accepted me? I would honestly be so lost without you all. I wouldn't be here, I would have gone straight after him if I hadn't spoken to you all. Just thank you so much.
08.Thank you for being my family.
Darryl,
it's been six months now. I don't know how I feel about that. It feels so long since I last saw you, I miss you more than words could describe. If you were here I wouldn't been in this mess, I'd be with you and we'd be happy, or so I'd like to think. But then I can remember seeing you like it was just yesterday. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking it was. I know you were with me Friday and Saturday, it rained. I'm sorry that you've had to see me in such a state recently, and I promise you that I'm trying to sort myself out. I'ts just hard trying to find the right place to start. Also I'm going to appoligise in advance, but my red hair's going again. ♥ purple is the way forward. I told my friend Eden about you. It was nice to talk about you, because I don't get to do it often, the people I surround myself aren't comfortable with talking about it, and for their sake I keep my mouth shut. It's so nice when I see your friends. I think I'm able to call them our friends now? But it's so nice when I see them, I love hearing all their storys about you. It's nice to talk about you with people who knew you. Know you.
Thank you for helping out Mitch with him exams, he only wants to make you proud, just like I do. We all do.

GAH I need to go do my work. I love you sunshine, always. Nothing will ever change that, no matter what I do or whatever happens, I will always love you. Always.

There must be something so very wrong with me if all these people find it so easy to leave me. 
I hate myself. I can't even think straight.
I'm no where near as different as I like to make out I am. 
I try to walk like I think a confident person would, but I still look at the floor. 
I put people down to make myself look better.
Even though I don't want him, or him, I hate it when they talk to other girls. 
I like guys who read literature, have the sides of their head shaved and listen to The Smiths.
Yet the guys I get are either too nice, or complete cunts who just stop talking to me for no reason, after working their way into my life.
I don't feel anything.
I don't like how I've changed. But I can't remember what it was liek to be the person I was before Darryl left me. I just remember that I was happy. There was me and him. That's all I know.
I don't know how to get myself back.
I keep finding all these little things every day which just bring me lower and more so down.
My friend recommended another photographer to a band.
He's online, yet not talking to me.
She did it before I did.
They're happy, why is it so impossible for me?
I don't want to feel anything for anyone appart from my boy. I don't want my life to move on.
I don't want to feel like im moving on, & I don't even want to love anyone else.
You were my best friend, you had no one here. Then you replace me?
I can't take any more.

Understanding the shape



between your throat and collar


is exactly a true heart


to be kissed.






Understanding the nature


of words is to kiss them into shape.






Understanding the pretense.


In some other era the most Romantic thing


would be to let things wither beautifully.






Understanding one rainfall


growing inside another can make


a rainbow but only inside,


safe as houses.






Understanding nothing


is complete freedom.






Understanding the tilt of sleeping


is to reconcile breath with first memory.






Understanding your hands


are folded protectively only because


they are so agile and full of nothing,


so keen to touch my mouth.






Understanding courtly love


as archetypal memory


something to write essays about


over and over


like yearning caught in clouds of words.






Understanding the faces I see


are not nearly as beautiful as the faces they conceal.






Understanding eleven minutes past


is not a psychic message


just something you can train yourself


to recognise in crisis or temptation.






Understanding if you peel open a closed flower bud


it really can’t do itself up again.






Understanding a moment like this -


as it drifts between inner rooms -


a lonely ghost.






Understanding time


is opening doors and windows


in every place you’ve ever been


just to let in a little wavering light,


the chance memory,


an echo of your future self.

By Nevering

I finally feel like things are moving forward a little bit? I'll admit it's going way to fast for my liking, but it's progress all the same. I finished my photography exam today, and my teacher made me feel a little more confident in myself after he looked at my work and seemed pleased. ( That's good considdering me and him don't usually get along. ) My coursework needs to be completed by the end of the week, so i'll be using frees and time after school to do that. Then that's over and I can concentrate on my other subjects, thank God.
I also just got the form for my provisional licence, which is really surreal? But soon I'll be driving, and things will be easier. I just need to find a better job to fund this.
I've hopefully got another band who want photographs, maybe some promotional shoots, so that should be good as i don't have any of them under my belt. Another gig lined up during my study leave.
Hopefully everything's starting to fall into place?
Darryl, it's harder now, and i hate myself for it. It's harder to open up. But thank you for all the signs, that one couldn't have been more obvious. I'm sorry for crying. I hope I make you proud. I love you, brown eyes.

a little appreciation goes such a long way, believe me. it's nice to know that things are worth doing.

- But it's just the price I pay, destiny is calling me, open up my eager eyes, 'cause I'm Mr.Brightside.
Okay so I haven't posted anything on here for what feels like a really long time, I did have a few draft blogs but I deleted those as things are just constantly changing and things stop ebing relevant anymore. I've had the odd panic attack or two, I did tell my parents about one, because it happened when I was out, and again when I got home. Other than that they haven't mentioned it. And it seems to be happening less. But I'll just ignore it. I can handle myself.
So it's funny how doing the smallest thing can completely change your mood. That's what lead me to writing this. I pressed the refresh button on Facebook, and now I'm like, FUCK?! It was one of those moments, when you know in your head that there's no reason why you should care anymore, that there's nothing you can do. But then there's the sinking feeling in your stomach and the leap in your heart that tells you differently. It's the latter of those that I can't deny. No one else would think anything of it, apart from those who knew me, and would know what I would think about it. But again, it really is so stupid how I'm making such a big deal about this? I haven't even addressed to you all what it is yet. Okay, a girl who I know is a slag, is basically getting in there with a guy I like. Liked. Like. Liked. Past tense. But yes, I do realise how pathetic this is. But we can't help how we feel? Me and him don't talk anymore, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss him. But life must go on. If anything did happen between them, it wouldn't last. Nothing lasts forever. Sorted.
Sometimes I look at myself, and I wonder what the hell happened to me. I'm not the person I want to be, I'm not the person I was before, I'm not proud of half of the things that I have done. I'm caught in the middle. My goals are all so far away I won't start making progress any time soon. I have a handfull of friends in school, same outside of school. But I don't know who I trust. I hear myself talking sometimes, and I just thinkg 'why the hell am I saying this?'. I'm not proud of who I am. Every day I wish that there was some way which I could change everything inside-out and make evertything alright again. I hate the amount of determination that I have. It's like the feeling of sinking. You get dragged down, but you keep struggling upwards, getting nowhere, loosing energy and just making a whole lot of mess to be frank.
I realised the other day - when I got my results of my Ethics exam back and found I had failed - well I sat and had a little talk between me, my head and my heart. *I just had another revalation* Just because I write neatly in my book, feel organised and write out revision cards doesn't mean that anything's actually going in my head. Just because I set everything out neatly in a powerpoint doesn't get me a better grade. Just because I'm a perfectionist doesn't make me perfect. I don't know what I'm supposed to do really, I was so dissapointed with my result, because I know how hard I had tried and I genually thought I had done better. But I just have to pick myself up and learn from it. This time I think I have to do it on my own, although I haven't, I've had friends like Elliott telling me not to give up. I just feel I need to try and get through things on my own now.
As for my other revaltation. I don't quite know how to word it. But I don't know how to let anyone in anymore. I'm so scared of anything that has 'commitment' written over it, because I know how feelings change. I don't want to have any responcibilty for people's feelings, the last thing I want to do it to hurt anyone, but I'm so afraid of being alone. Where does this leave me? I only know where it has found me. I suppose looking outside-in I would be leading these three guys on, when I know full well that I have no intention of having a relationship now, or ever with any of them. But I keep them around so I'm not on my own, so that I feel wanted. The one guy that I truely want is out of my reach, he's with me, but just not physically, and my heart belongs to him. It always will and no one can really seem to understand that. That is my only commitment and I intend to keep to it. I get along with people fine, but I don't trust them. I don't trust anyone with my feelings. That is why I don't get close to anyone. I don't know how to anymore. Every guy that there has ever been has just ended in pain. All for various reasons. Darryl was different, he was perfect, the pain wasn't caused through any fault of his own like the others. Apart from making me fall in love with him.

But what do I do?

Darryl,
I wish I could remember the person that I was when I had you. I was clearly doing something right when I had you around. Now everything's just falling to pieces and I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing. In the end, I think it's come down to how I don't care anymore. About anything. Everything goes over my head, I rarely feel anything. When I do feel anything, nowadays it's my heart leaping about like a rabit for some reason or another, usually for a bad reason. I just don't know.
He won't touch you, you know he won't. You know what I mean.
At 30STM, during Was It A Dream I turned to my left, and there was a kid the spitting image of you. I even did that double-take thing that people do. I stared at him for what felt like hours, but I hope it wasn't that long. But it was like I could just fool myself for a while that I was with you. That you had never left, that nothing had changed at all from the night I spent with you, and we were perfectly happy. I think it was you telling me that you were there with us, if only in spirit. Thank you for that. 
I know I'm not making you proud at all right now Darry' but I promise you, I'll turn everything around. I'll make it though, I'll do it all for you. I want you to be proud of me. I love you. I miss you. I wish I could be everything that you are, have the impact on people that you do, still do. I just wish more than ever right now that I could have you back here with me, if only for a while. I wouldn't think about having to let go, just being with you there and then would be good enough.
It disturbs me that when I think about last night, and I remember how hard it was to leave. I can't help but think, 'what if I didn't?' because, maybe if I didn't leave, maybe it wouldn't have happened, or turned out the way it did. 
Why is this so hard?
I love you sunshine. Always.
 

Surrender to nothing..

I'm not one of those people, who says at the start of a new year 'new year, new me.' I just think that's the biggest load of crap I've heard for a long time in all honesty. They'll all be complaining in status' on Facebook again after a number of days. I don't understand why a new year has to start in order for people to change how they are or how they act. If your personality or life is seriously that bad that change is needed, then why wait? Just because it's a new year, it doesn't make a difference to how well things go. For me, a new year just shows me how fast my life is going by. I can still remember days from primary school like they were yesterday. Things people have told me. Friends I've had and lost. I really hate how things have to change sometimes, but 'that's life' as I've been told so many times. I guess I have to learn to accept that I won't always be happy, people won't always like me, friends won't always be there, and I will always miss him. Nothing ever goes right for more than a number of days in this life, but I need to be grateful for all the things that I do have instead of dwelling on what I don't. I have a handfull of seriously good friends which is better than having loads of really shit ones. I have a family that cares about me, when I open my eyes and see it. I have a house with heating. Food in the cupboard. I have the most amazing person up in heaven watching over me. Being without him is like being without oxygen, but he's still there. I'm not completely failing school, which is better than being thrown out for my terrible grades. Well frankly I have to be happy with what I have, because it's not going to change anytime soon, new year or not.
I've learnt recently about judging people. I met someone a while ago, but I never took the time to talk to them properly and find out who they are. Then I started to get fucked off, because they were everywhere that I went. Most aspects of my life, there they would be. But then it turned out that she's a really brilliant person. She understands most of the shit I go through with guys, and because she knows who they are she's able to understand better than most. I can talk to her about anything and automatically trust her. Recently I don't know where I'd be without her. So if you ever stumble on this, I'm sorry I judged you in the beginning, & I love you for sure :)
Me and my friend Holly, we live our lives now by 'The Wise Words of Sam.' This would be in refferance to Sam who we met at Tap just after Christmas. Whenever either of us are down we just remind eachother of 'The Wise Words of Sam' and we remember that there's actually no reason why we should care what others think of us, tomorrow's always a new day and that people will always treat you like shit no matter where you go, but life goes on, and you'll always get through. This in ways goes to show hoow much one person can inspire you in the space of just an hour. I wish I could have the same out look on life as Sam, and be able to inspire people as he does. I suppose he doesn't see it himself.
Whatever I do here forward, is going to be for myself, or for Darryl. There's no reason why anyone else should matter in all honesty. Not that I don't love everyone else who's a part of my life, but everyone's changed including myself. People come in and out of my life like a fucking public toilet and nothing lasts forever. There's no reason why I should care what people think of me, when in reality I know that they won't be in my life forever. As long as I'm happy with the person that I am then I should have to change how I look or act for everyone else's pleasure.
I listen from music to Suicide Silence to Kasabian to Lady Gaga. I wear dresses and Bring Me The Horizon t-shirts and dorky glasses. I have friends who are slags, chavs, indie, and scene, emo and chemo, some you can't label at all. So good luck trying to label me, or taking a dislike to me because of something to do with my appearance. I don't try to fit in, I just do what I like. If that happens to fit in with whatever's 'it' right now, then so be it. I want to make Darryl proud and live my life like it's the only one I'll ever have. Which it is. It's not possible to make everyone happy, so I give up trying. I want to be happy.

Darryl;
It's two months today. 56 days. I still talk to you every night, I just hope you can hear me. I hope you saw me on New Years eve at Robins, I was so drunk, you would have laughed at me so hard. The hangover I had was a killer though, and I had to walk home from Top Road. I almost collapsed when I was home. I walked up Mierscourt Road too. I was talking to you the whole way again, people kept driving and walking past, fuck knows what they must have been thinking about me. It's so hard not to be upset about this still. Everyone told me that it would get easier once I got over the initial shock, and I have I'll admit it. Part of me still doesn't believe it, won't accept it. I can't even say.. That you're. You know. I just say 'when he left' or how you're 'gone'. I don't say goodbye. I don't need to because you're still here. You're just hiding. I know it, but when I say that out loud, people feel too awkward to say anything about how insane I must sound. Or they just go along with it, talking to me like I'm a child. I wish I'd been able to go to Southampton. Maybe things would have turned out differently to how they have now, but I didn't have enough money for my tattoo and that's what I want most of all from the trip. But I'm going to start putting money aside as soon as I've got my tickets for 30STM. I heard your mum got a tattoo the other day, one that you'd designed. One good thing that's come from this heartbreak is that I feel like I have a second family now. I love your friends and family as my own, but I can't help but wish that it would be happening with you there, part of it. I wish I could still text you and complain about my photography teacher picking on me. I wish it would rain instead of snow so I could feel like I was with you again. There's certain thoughts and memories of you which keep me going. I look at you and I think, those eyes once looked into mine. They saw my eyes, they saw me. Into me. Your smile once smiled at me, the dimples that showed through were mine in that moment. Your arms once held me, and showed me that you would be there only place that I would feel safe in from that moment forward. I have to hold onto those thoughts and memories, because my life does depend on it. You were mine for one night. & I'll never let it go. I love you sunshine, always and forever.


I might not be around much over the next few weeks, that includes Facebook, MSN, MySpace, school, Chatham blablabla. I'm pretty much going underground for a while as my dad's really ill. We partly know what's wrong with him, but he's having tests later today up the hospital. Can only hope for the best. Peace :)

Untitled

28|21
You are so beautiful, you are the kind of girl that has the chemicals, that make me fall in love.

What exactly is it that defines everything? Defines how beautiful someone is. Defines who's worthy of our affection and who isn't. Defines what's laughable, what's good enough to dance to, and what isn't. I pretty much had a monumental day yesterday, for a number of reasons.
Well, firstly im now single. And that's made me happier than most. I have no idea why I was so worried about hurting him, because he even told me that he didn't care anymore, so it couldn't have been made any clearer. But now the freedom that's tidalwaved over me is such an unbelievable relief. The thing that I find funny is that people are worrying about me. But they don't understand that I was never cut out for a relationship after Darryl anyway. It just doesn't feel right. It felt like some uncomfortable lump of guilt in my chest and this weight on my shoulders. It's almost been lifted. But I know it'll always be there, it'll just change and hurt in different ways throughout my life. It's the kind of pain that never leaves you.

30|12
I pretty much had a terrible day today. The worst I've had since the day he left and the few days following. And I guess it's been so bad for the most pathetic of reasons. I wanted a webbing piercing (basically the funny part under your tounge) but Andy Jay refused to pierce mine. In reality I'd love facial piercings but my parents would kill me to put it bluntly. So I left the shop the same as i'd entered it. Oh the dissapointment was unreal. BUT if i promise myself anything for next year it's this: 'another piercing. Doesn't matter what, doesn't matter why. Just another piercing' I swear they're addictive. And then there was you. I don't understand you one tiny bit! You know what, I just hope you have fun on newyears. Hope she's worth it really. But it's not as if you'd care about me being upset or off with you or anything like that right now, because you're hardly fucking talking to me. And in all honesty I have no fucking idea why? It's insane that wherever the hell I go there's something of you there. The whole day I was convinced I might just bump into you. And yeah I really wasn't in the possition for that to happen, rain & hair does not mix well when it's Rachel(hyphon)Katy. But part of me really wanted to see you. I guess it's just because you've taught me to ignore what people think, not let all the tiny things let me down. But I just can't seem to apply that thinking to you. I suppose that's the problem. You understood how I feltabout Darryl sometimes, becausse you felt it true. Like when you miss someone so much you feel sick to the pit of your stomach. I miss it when you used to worry about how I was, how i felt, because right now I honestly feel like you couldn't give a damn. And what hurts most is how much I wish you would. I hate how this seems to always happen to me. I meet people, and then they change. It's happened to me so much this year and I'm just sick of it. Why do things change? People don't actually seem to realise that everything they do effects the people around them. For example, you're off with me, i get in a bad mood, my friends worry about me and my parents worry about me. Just because of you acting that way with me for whatever unknown reason, a whole load more people are effected than you first thought. People don't think like that, and maybe they shouldn't. Maybe it's just too complicated for the human race to actually think about the consequences of their actions. Maybe that would just make life too easy.
God i'l admit i'm so much happier being single. But i'd be a whole lot happier if i knew exactly what i'd done wrong for you to suddenly be all short with me. There's no explanation I can think of. And I know I've been here once before. Theres the stages. First, where you meet and everythings all happy and sunshine. Then things change, you try your hardest to get things back to normal but fail. And then you start to think about what it is that made everything change, and the only thing you can find to blame is yourself. & this is what I'm going through. Im competely blaming myself. Im blaming the face that I dont have any stupid facial piercings. That my hair it's a stupid brown|red and ever stays straight enough. That my eyes are boring brown. I pretty much look like any other girl. That my boobs aren't big enough and that i wear my clothes completely wrong. I thought I may just have been good enough for you once, I suppose I was just blind. I wish I could change to make you want me. I think everyone has someone in the world they would do that for. But there's something wrong in the fact that there's too many people I would do it for.

& every second i waste is more than i can take. im so numb i can feel you there, i've become so tired, so much more aware. By becoming this all i want to do, is be more like me and be less like you. And i know, i may end up failing you.


I can only hope that the new year will bring exactly what it says. 'New'. New people for starters, not that I would change the people that I've met towards the end of this year for anything, it's just, I need to meet more.I want to get more into my photography. Building things up for myself. I had two offers at Tap in sunday to do photography for bands, so that's a big step forward. I want to find a way to be happier in myself. But i dont know how im going to do that. I want to be able to care what people think less. I don't know what else I want, but I know i'd give anything to be able to spend next year with Darryl. Just anything.
Okay so I'd like to seriously thank two people that I met towards the end of this year. I don't know either of them at all well but they've kept me going in completely different ways. I'm not sure if either of you will read this, but I can only hope.
Sam Craddock. (forgive me if i spelt your name wrong). That night that we met at Tap, I pretty much discovered someone who has one of the best out looks on life. You helped to remind me that life has to go on after the most painful of things. Like you said, there's always tomorrow, there's always a new day. Thankyou for brigntening me up. I hope i'l see you again soon hun.
Joella Colwell. You've been such a rock to me ever since we lost Darryl. The pain I feel cannot possibly compare to the best friend that you've lost, yet regardless you still magane to find the strength to help me through. I would have killed myself if it wasn't for you.And that pretty much is the cold hard truth. I can't find the words to thank you for being there for me and for helping me see sense. He'd be so proud of you, of who you are and what you've done. He's watching us I know it.

Darryl
I know i keep saying it, but i wouldn't be in this mess if you were here. Im sorry I keep saying that to you over and over again, but it's just so true. If you were here with me now,  i know that i wouldn't care what anyone else thought of me. I'd be happy in myself, happy in being with you. You'd be everything, and that would be just perfect. I wished you were here so much today. I keep wishing and wishing for things over and over again but none of them seem to come true. I suppose i should have learnt that from the last time I really wished for something. That was when I heard about you being in hospital. I wished and prayed so hard, but it didn't work. I wish i knew why. See, there I go again, wishing. I still can't read the newspapers. I can't bring myself to do it. I actually walked into a petrol station, and glanced at the papers outside and there you were similing back at me on the front cover. It almost sickens me in a way. I just want to escape everything, I think that part of me still hasnt accepted that you're gone. But if you weren't gone, then I wouldn't feel this gaping hole in my chest threatening to swallow me whole. If you werent gone then I wouldnt have a reason to cry myself to panic attacks. I know, i know deep in my mind and my heart that you wouldn't want me to feel like this. But for fuck sake Darryl have you ever tried living without you? It's harder than you'd ever imagine. I should be spending new years with you. Next year with you. I'd love that more than anything else in the world. Yet now for the rest of my life I'l be forced to settle for second best. That's the harsh reality of it. Nothing compares to you. I hope you've got The Rev up there with you now baby, that'd be completely awesome for you. I love you Darryl, more than you will ever know. & even though every day that goes by i seem to break that little bit more, i know one day I'll see you again. It's the only thing that keeps me going. See you soon baby, just wait. Always.

If you don't want me then I guess I'll have to go. Not loving you is harder than you know.
-Escape The Fate, Harder Than You Know

Liar, liar, if we're keeping score

But my dreams they aren't as empty,

as my concience seems to be.

I have hours - only lonely.

My lovers vengance,

that's never free.

If it's one thing that I really don't like, it's someone who lies for no reason. You would have thought that todays generation would have learnt something from watching Pinnocheo as a kid. Clearly you didn't. It was other the most pathetic thing as well, which I guess is what bothers me the most. Maybe I can't trust you as much as I thought I could? I really don't know right now. But seriously. This is how it went.
j:'Come out friday'

r:'Okay sure'

-friday-

j:'I'm not going out tonight :('

r:'Okay, no worries, go on facebook, I left you a message :}'

j:'Alright, will do when I get in'

The thing is, you can't even deny that you lied, because it's crystal clear that you did, jheezeee you're such an idiot. Thing is, you think I care that you didn't go on facebook? NO. I care that you lied when there was no need? You coulda just said there was no room for me & Amy or something, I didn't particulalry want to go anyway. It's not as if you were even lying to protect me. I don't understand it. Oh well.

Freeze the things that you love, & I shall let them fall all over her.

I guess there's a certain person I should thank right now. Well there's a few actually, but I'm just going to start off with this one person. I'm not going to say names, there's no point, because he'll never read this. Thankyou for just being my friend. For treating me like a normal person, being random with me like he was. For not thinking that you should be nice to me, feel sorry for me, just because of what I've lost. Thankyou for acting like you care. & Talking things through with me when the other half fucks me off. In such a short time, you've grown to mean a lot to me. Please don't leave me? I love you wife. Maybe one day we can order Pizza after a gig?

Another thankyou to my family, and mainly my sisters. I guess because of the age gap, it means we've never exactly had the chance to be terribly close. But recently I've been shown how strong a family needs to be, and mine means ever so much to me. Thankyou for being as understanding as possible, and I'm sorry for all the days that I shut you out. I promise to try harder. If not for you, not for me, for him.

To all of his friends & family, I cannot thankyou enough for being so kind to me. Thankyou for just talking to me, and making me feel a part of all of this. I wish I could have met you all under better circumstances, but I'm happy to have met you all the same. He was lucky to have you all in his life, as you were to have him in yours. We'll all make it through.

Darryl,

when you were here, everything was so perfect, I couldn't have asked for anything or anyone better in my life. But now, everything's so fucked up. I don't know who or what I want. Well, if it were possible, I'd have you for the rest of my life. If anyone asked me if I could have anything in the world, what would it be, I'd say you every single time. But I have to find a way to be happy without you. & Well I'm still working on that. I thought I'd found what would make me happy, and well that's only up and down, and now I'm not so sure. & Something else has come along which makes me happy too. But I can't have it. I'm just so confused, if you were here, I wouldn't be in this mess. I wish I could talk to you. Just take a break from all this, sit down and spend some time with you. Christmas doesn't feel like it should this year. I saw another sign today. Just this bright gold star on the floor. It made me smile endlessly. I miss you so much, I miss how you made everything alright. Sometimes I just feel like I should stop trying, give up with everything, with life and just fall in a heap on the floor. I'm not too sure if any of my friends would care right now. I'd do anything to have you back. I'll see you again one day, just promise me you'll watch until then. I'll love you forever.

8|12|2009; a month

has flown by without you. And I'm not exactly sure if it's supposed to go past slowly or quick?

I've taken each day as it came. I've tried to live each day as you'd want me to, and I'm trying to keep up with doing whatever it takes make me happy now. It is getting easier, I'll admit. I was thinking though; when people pass away, and they go to 'heaven' - or wherever it is people go when they leave this Earth - don't they usually join the people who have passed before them? So, who do you have up there with you? Grandparents? Friends? I don't know, I never got to find out. It does comfort me knowing that when I finally pass away myself, I'll be with you again, and we have the rest of eternity to do whatever the fuck we want. But I hope that your not alone up there, just watching down on us all. I wish I could be there with you, just to hold you and let you know I'll be with you soon, whenever my destiny decides is right.
It's the common sense which I have in my head that tells me to be realistic about this. I see the smallest things, which link back to you, and I think that it's you sending signs. This evenning, faces in the pavement. Just now, I looked at my watch, just to realise that it's been upside down all day. Today in media, Aslan from The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe randomly came up in conversation. It always seems to be the smallest things now. But if I didn't believe that you were somewhere watching me still, looking after me, then in all honesty I'm pretty sure I'd have gone insane. I suppose you changed my life in such a major way, that I can't imagine it without you. And even though I can't feel you, or hold you, or hear your voice in a way that's real anymore, I still feel you there. When I'm nervous, or scared or upset, I can just close my eyes and feel you there right next to me. That's why I'm convinced you're just hiding from me still. Just running about, following me to keep me safe. But then I think, out of all of us that you left behind, there's no reason why you would choose to look after me, when you have all your friends and family to look after too. It's not that I doubt you, I never have, never will. It's just that I doubt myself.
I've started to doubt myself a lot and a lot less at the same time recently. I doubt how much of a good daughter I am, a good friend, a good girlfriend (yeah, James Turner). I pin it down to parents evening and the day after speciffically. Firstly on parents evening, my friends are told not to let me drag them down in photography? Fucking excuse me? I love how I'm always the one to get in trouble, when they sit there painting their fucking nails and I'm just talking. Nice one mate, nice one thinking it wouldn't get back to me too. And telling my parents that I have an attitude problem and don't seem to be that bothered in the lesson? Photography is my life. How can I not be bothered? I go up during my free's and work, which is a lot more than everyone else in the class does. But, you know, I'm just going to ignore you, your just a teacher. I took photography because I wanted to, and because I think it's the only thing on this fucking Earth I may just be good at. So don't you fucking dare try to take that away from me. I'll prove you wrong. Every single one of you. Also, I suppose I should have relised that by having you for a best friend, that sometimes you'd make me feel like this. You've always been loud and bitchy. And I suppose that you just put others down to make you feel better about yourself. But it does hurt. Why compare us infront of my boyfriend? I realise you got double A's, and I got a C and a U, but seriously, as if I wasn't done in enough about it already. But hey ho, that's life, I love you all the same. I'll catch up to you eventually.
So I guess now I have to explain the boyfriend which I've mentioned about twice now. Okay so he's called James. If anyone even dares to think that I'm over Darryl.. Just.. I'm not. You don't get over loosing someone you love like that. James won't replace Darryl, he doesn't want to. He just makes me happy. & I know that's what Darryl wants. When I'm with James, my heart starts to heal. When I'm not with him, it just starts to tear up all over again. James is part of my healing process. He doesn't mean that I think about Darryl any less, infact I think about him more. James isn't anything like Darryl, which is the best part. Darryl will always something different, someone in his own legue. James understands the best that he can. And if anyone wants to judge me about having a boyfriend now, then feel free. I knew it was going to come out sooner or later, so it was better to come from me. I just hope your all pleased that I'm happier now. Darryl's still in my heart, and he's never leaving me. I shouldn't have to explain this anyway. You wouldn't understand. 

I thank God, or whoever it us up there, every single day for giving me that night with you. Yesterday, it was a month since I saw you last, since I spent that night with you. And it was exactly the same. It was dark and the rain was just drizzle. Driving down the same road. But not the same car. The wrong driver, the wrong emotions. I just sat in the car and cried. I pulled my hood down and shut my eyes tight, and I didn't feel my mum next to me anymore. I felt you. I genuinely believed that I would open my eyes, and be there with you, sitting there, singing like we would. I've never believed in something so much in my life. But it broke me just that bit more. But I'm gratefull for the inspiration that you give me every day, the motivation that you give me every morning, and the love and friends you surround me with.

I'll always love you Darryl.

Southampton soon.

I hope your with me then, I don't think I could go through it without you.

Hold on tight baby.

Furniture.

I am only flesh and bones,
splintered glass and tattered clothes,

behind the skin, my fragility,

behind the skin, a skeletal impracticality,

I am only pieces of you,

held together with paper glue,

behind the skin, my divinity

behind the skin, my only sanctuary.

You can lean on me, have a drink on me,

leave your mark all over me,

paint the outside 'till it smiles,

you can eat off me, rest your head on me,

press yourself on top of me,

kick the back until its quiet.

All in all I'm just furniture,

Just another piece taking you one step further from the perfect living room set,

All in all I'm just furniture,

In these 4 walls that hold me, keep me safe under sound and bare within its grip.

My wooden heart it sings no more,

this dress I wear becomes the floor,

behind the skin, a living, breathing thing,

behind the skin, a place you've never been.

You can lean on me, have a drink on me,

leave your mark all over me,

paint the outside 'till it smiles,

you can eat off me, rest your head on me,

press yourself on top of me,

kick the back until its quiet.

All in all I'm just furniture,

just another piece taking you one step further from the perfect living room set,

all in all I'm just furniture,

in these 4 walls that hold me, keep me safe under sound and bare within its grip.

I am only flesh and bones,

Splintered glass and tattered clothes.

I've had an epiffany...

In the past 18 days, I've changed so much, and I've learnt so much about myself and others, which I never knew was possible. Firsty, I've deffinantly learnt who my true friends are, and how they are beautifully rare, and special. In ways it breaks me that they aren't who I always thought they would be, far from it infact. When I think back to the begining of the year, I was sure that I could count on a deffinant hand full or friends to be there for me for years to come, through thick and thin and the inbetween. But that all fell through and turned out to be somewhat, a lie. You'd think that after 5 years of friendship, that it would be strong enough to withstand the troubles of guys, exams and taking different paths once leaving school. But I'll tell you now, it's certainly not. I suppose that, that goes to show how you can spend all of your time with one person for an amount of years, and yet not know them at all. It's all part of life I suppose, you learn that you can trust no one, and know no one truely apart from yourself.

But in these weeks, my true friends have shined through everything. It's been shown, in my personal life, and also in the news that tragedy brings people closer together. Once Darryl passed away I was so convinced that I had nothing left on this Earth to live for, nothing that could compare to him. But going into school and opening my eyes to everything surrounding me made me realise how life does go on for everyone else, and so it must do for you. Going into school was quite possibly the best thing for me. Surrounding myself with friends who didn't persist me with questions like 'are you okay?' when it was clear to anyone who knew me that I wasn't. People who were happy for me to sometimes walk along in silence, then randomly speak of how he once compared me to the rain, and that is why I smile so, because it reminds me of him. Those who didn't think I was insane when I said that I felt like he was just hinding from me, on the roof of the building, following me to make sure I was safe. Like a guardian angel of sorts. And those who didn't make a fuss when I started to cry.

I've realised how I have to do what ever it takes to make myself and those around me as happy as I possibly can. I'm trying to be a good friend to those who have done so for me. I'm living in the moment. This would lead to my going up to South Hampton after Christmas, to stay in my friends uni accomidation and get a tattoo in honour of Darryl. The thing is, I really couldn't care less about what my parents will say or do if they happen to see it. I know I won't be able to hide it forever. But I know that if I don't do this, then I will regret it for the rest of my life. It's not the kind of tattoo that I will regret, it's part of who I am, and the best way that I can honour someone as important to me as Darryl. After all, he's proof that life's too short, and that we could all die tomorrow for all we know. I suppoise thos is what we can call living for today. Remembering my past and learning from it, living in my present, and aiming for my future.

I can't wait to go to South Hampton. In all honesty, I'm more excited about getting away for a few days than I am about Christmas. I'm getting stressed with the prospect of the same thing day in day out. My day, every day; Wake up, look at photos of Darryl, get ready for school, walk to the end of my road and get picked up (remember Darryl) go to school, see Amy, James and Chris, lessons, see Amy, James and Chris, walk home (think about Darryl), get home, argue with parents, dinner, facebook (think about Darryl), homework, film (think about Darryl), shower, bed (think about Darryl) dream about Darryl. Going to South Hampton will just give me that chance to get away from everything, being reminded of all the memories that I have of Darryl, but also I'll be surrounded by people who knew him, so I'll be able to talk about it a lot better. Also I'll be away from my family, those complete pricks I used to call my best friends, away from my room. I'm sure it will be amazing. It's just what I need. I can only hope that my parents will be alright with it. I don't see why not, but I'm not exactly known for the most laid back of parents.
I used to be scared, but now I just want to see the world. I was to go to London, to go site seeing, to go to Camden, to try and figure out the tube system. I want to drink every weekend, and take too many drunk photos of me and my friends. I want to stay up on the phone to my best friend just laughing my head off at her. I want to think about Darryl, and manage to be happy, and stop this hole in my chest from threatening to swallow me whole. I want to go on holiday, with out my parents. I want to move out. I want to learn from my own mistakes, not from what I've seen or heard from others. I want to go to gigs with thousands of people. I want to stop being paranoid about people talking about me. About what people think about me.

All in all, it's time for a change. It's starting now.

Peace.

Cold Water.

I don't exactly know what to write on here about you. People locally will have heard by now, because your on the front of the paper. This is so surreal. I'm, like many others, are convinced that I'll just wake up any minute now, that this is just some fucked up nightmare. I miss you. I feel like I took your last hours from you. I hope they weren't wasted on me. We could have gone far me and you. It's like it was destiny. You were perfect. But I guess it was a time bomb waiting to go off, I guess I'll never know why it had to be when it was. Why you had to be taken from me so soon, just as I'd found you I'd lost you. Your family are being immensely strong, it just amazes me. I felt terrible for crying like I did in front of them. But I understand, that they have to be strong for you, eachother, your brothers, the rest of your family, your friends. I just have to be strong for you. I'm not bothered about being strong for any one else. They can't understand this pain, so why do they pretend? I think your watching me in all honesty. My common sense in ways, refuses to let me believe it, how can you believe in a heaven without a God? But no one can truely know. Only you know where you are, all we can do is hope that it's a better place than this shit hole that you left us in. My heart breaks for you. You didn't deserve to have your life taken from you when you were so long, and when we had so much left to do. All your ex's, I hate them. I envy them so much. Because they had this time with you, which was stolen from me, they were close with you in a way, that I didn't want to rush into, because I thought I had the rest of forever with you. But I keep playing the last night over and over, and I play it differently. I pretend that it didn't go the way it did. Not saying that it wasn't perfect, because it was. You've made me the happiest I've been in such a long time. I just pretend that we had made that night last forever, that we had more time, no limits. I wish I'd told you how I felt. Because now I know that I was falling in love with you. I hope you don't mind me saying you were my boyfriend, because I know you weren't. I'm not insane, yet, but it just makes it easier to explain to people why I feel the way I do. That way they might just have a glimpse of understanding.
But I think you were in the rain yesterday, and the day before. I think that was you. It felt like you. I hope you saw the way that I smiled. And I think you were there the night I thought about drowining myself. I know you'll think that I'm being stupid for being so upset about this, but you were always modest, and never really saw how truely amazing you are. But I'm only living my life for you. If i had the guts, I would take my life in the vain hope that I could be with you again. But I won't, because I have friends, who I never realised I had. And I have a good family, somtimes. And I have memorys, and the fact that you would want me to be happy. So, my life now, is for you. A search for happiness in a world without you. I have to do it. It may be inpossible, but like you, once I get started on something, no one can stop me. But never forget I'm doing it for you. I have to leave a good life behind just so I can find you wherever you are when my time comes.
You've inspired me to be a better person, I have to leave behind some kind of impact when I go, just like you did on me. The world is empty without you. Things need to be accepted for what they are, as well as what they could be.
I hope your at peace baby.
I love you.
Darryl Thomas Ian Bell. 18.12.90-8.11.09 (L).
I'll carry you with me for forever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eaAnuDQv2SI

It's a High School Musical day..

I have no idea how I feel right now. I guess it's such a mixture of things, I have no idea where I stand right now with anything at all in my life.
I feel like my best friend is trying to push me out of his life to make his girlfriend happy. It annoys me how he allows her to controll him. He's convinced that he's so completely in love with her, but I've known them both for a very long time, and I can just seem them destroying eachother. They haven't even been together a month and you can see that they don't trust eachother. He won't even tell her when he's with me. I'm just his best friend. Friend being the operative word. Honestly, I love him to pieces, but if anything in that way almost happened, I think I'd throw up. I can't express it, but just no. But, even though I'm loosing my best friend because of her, I'll still have to be there whenever he needs to complain, even though I wont be bothered about it anymore. As far as I'm conserned, he's changed. Give it time. You'll see.
Parents. Fucking hell, who invented them? I hate the way that they're so sencible. And they're going on holiday to Scotland next year. Funny how they don't have a problem with leaving me home alone anymore, it's not as if my sister can look after me because she's finally found a job. I don't know what they're expecting me to do. And my mum just made me take my stretcher out! FML, that's fucked me off. They're so restraining, they won't let me be who I want to be, they treat me as if I'm still 6 years old. They don't trust me. Just GRRR! They won't let me express my self at all, I'm 16 for christ sake. Just they wait till I'm at uni. GRRRRRRRR. I'll just have to find another way.
Wow, saturday. You, you made me happy for just that little while. You made me forget about everything for a time, and all i could focus on was you. I'm not entirely sure what happened. But I'm sure you must have felt something? Even the tiniest thing, when me and you were hugging in the porch. Maybe it was just me who felt like it was forever. -OW MY EAR HURTS- but, knwoing me I fucked it up the next morning, by talking about it to Georgie and I'm pretty sure. I know, that you'll just see me as some stupid kid who takes a drunken hug too seriously. But part of me thinks you only backed off because your sister told you to. I don't even know why Holly told you to do that.. I don't know if it was because she doesnt trust me, or you. I really don't understand. She knows I had a crush on you before her party, I thought you were fit before I even know you and her were related. She used to try and encourage us. Like, she's make me walk over to hers just to see you, I thought she was alright with it? She knows everything that's been happening recently with guys, so I thought she would have seen that as a good thing? I DONT GET IT! Sigh, sigh, sigh. Maybe I should talk to you first, see how that goes, then talk to her?
Maybe I'm over reacting? AHHHH SHUT UP HEAD. I dont want to care about anything anymore ;( fucking hell.
We'll see. Things will change. They have to.

But up till now, I've always been afraid.

One song about a boy,

Can't breathe when I'm around him.

I wait here every day,

Incase I scratch the surface.

He'll never notice.

I'm not in love,

This is not my heart.

I'm not going to waste these words,

About a boy.

How are we supposed to know when it's the right time to give up and move on? I have no idea, if you like me or not, or if you like her, or if your just playing the field. I hate all of this confusion. I've been messed around for the past 6 months and I don't want to get into that kind of mess all over again. In all honestly, although she is a good friend to me, and she knows how i feel about you, I have a gut feeling that she likes you, and that you like her. Well, people agree that she likes you. I treid to ignore the way you are together, but I can't. The thing is, I'd never do this to her. If i knew that she liked someone I wouldn't go out of my way to get them to like me instead of her. So I don't understand why she's doing this to me?

I just want something to go right for once. The past half a year of my life has been so shit you wouldn't believe, and last week I was genuinely happy for the first time in what's felt like forever. I know it was too good to be true, it always is.

Just prove me wrong.

Please. I'm not asking for much, just some hope.

This is what the edge of your seat was made for..

Im afraid that it's got to the point where I only feel alive, when I'm in front of a stage, having my thoughts blasted from my mind by the huge amps to the left of me, watching a tall dark guy scream out his emotion in front of my eyes. I never really thought that I would get to the point where that was the only thing which made me feel truely happy and weightless. It's like, when i'm there, I can just forget everything, and loose myself in the moment. It's made me start to think about preforming. Yeah, me, Rachel, who gets nervous about reading out in class. Preforming. In front of people. I guess I've always wanted to do it. But I'm not good enough, so I guess that'll be another dream abandonned at the sidelines.
I'm starting to feel like everything's falling apart. Like, the people who always see so happy to me, deep down I know they're not. It makes everything look like a lie. I don't know who to trust, being friends with someone won't stop them from hurting you anymore these days.
I'm scared that you'll like her and not me. She's more confident, she has the guts to actually talk to you. And now everything's over for her and Luke, she has been talking about you a lot more, and tbh I really don't like it. After everything with Alex, I just wanted to find a way for me to be happy, and for everything to be over and done with. But it's never as simple as that is it? I thought you we're going to be the one who could change things for me. But now I'm not so sure. I have no idea how I can put so much faith into one person. How could one person possibly turn the whole of your life around for the good? I've seen someone change it for the worse, many a time, and when it's for the good, it's never lasted.
I feel like I've always been second best. I've never come first for anyone. I want so desperately for things to change, but I guess they are, and I just haven't noticed. But things are chaning for the worst when I think about it. Friends are changing, I don't know who to trust. I don't know who I am, and I don't know who I want to be. I'm the kind of person where everything has to be planned out and perfect. But fuck it, I don't want to be like that anymore. I guess what ever happens, happens. I'll have to live with it.
I just hope you can see something in me. It may take a while, but I promise if you do look really hard, and for long enough, then you'll see something. The dying light inside of me. But I think you're the only one who can save me.

Appoligies, glances and messed up chances.

For starters, I feel like I have to write a list. So this is my list of things to do;

• Wade my way through the Media film list. (Little help?)
• Sort out Medway Plus shit, that I really don't understand.
• Buy some new clothes!
• Revise all my Philosophy and Ethics.
• Talk to more different people.
• See everyone from summer again!
• Buy a camera.
• Get rid of throat infection!
• Finish 'The Kite Runner'
• Go Manor with Jamesyy
• Go cinema with Amy, Aaron, Luke, Henna, & J.Turner?
• Save more monies, because I'm amazingly poor
• Print off photos
• Halloween!

I suppose I could say that I have quite a few reasons to be happy right now. I've had the best day that i've had in a long time, and it wasn't even anything special. I'd like to say it was the weather, but I was freezing for most of the day, and towards the end it decided to rain. But I suppose in a way I've opened my eyes. All I needed to get over you, was another person to come along. To be frank, this is actually amazing, to have someone on my mind that isn't you, to be happy for once in a while, to look forward to school, to not get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach everytime you come online, and to not get upset at the smallest things you do or say. I'm finally happy, and all I had to do what get out there, get away from you and try my hardest to move on.
But there's always going to be this part of me that's hung up on you. I'm not over you, and I doubt that I will be for a very long time. But I think that I deserve to move on. And I think that I deserve to be happy after about half a year of being fucked around by you.
To be frank, I owe my friends a lot. They put up with me through eveything, the ups and downs I went through, tried their best to make me happy, told me to forget you. Supported me, even when I didn't listen and went full steam ahead with both eyes closed. I have no idea how I'll ever repay them.They all told me for so long that I could do better, and now I finally see it.
There's actually nothing special about you anymore. You used to be amazing. You used to make me happy, and make me feel like I was actually worth something. But then you changed, and it's like everything that I'd known had become a lie. But I'm leaving you behind. I have friends who'd do anything to see me happy, and I'm not exactly helping them or myself by wasting all my time on you. I suppose this could be seen as a letter of goodbye. I'll think of it that way.
How the fuck can you say 'why does it matter? i'm lucky if you even look at me' HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU SAY THAT? You have no idea, how many times i've thought the exact same thing about you. Finally your getting a glimpse of how i've felt for the last 6 months. But it'll ever compare. I don't understand you. Your always pushing and pulling me. This has just pushed me further, but yet again I've had to rely on my friends to remind me how you never wanted me, how you've never cared. I've found someone, and I'm pretty sure that after the past few days you'll have heard about this. He's everything that you used to be to me. But I think your at least entitled to the majority of the blame of how I find it so hard to trust people now. I'm convinced he'll turn out like you. I'm scared to give it everything I haveYou had it so drummed into my head that I'm worthless, ugly, you have me so convinced that I wasn't good enough for anything. For anyone. But he must see something in me, if he still talks to me after the idiot that I made of myself the other day. I suppose he must see something that you never could. But if I am worthless, that's how you made me. And if I am ugly, that's how you made me too. You made me give up on myself. You'll never have any idea how much you destroyed me, time after time I thought it was going to be different. Not anymore. You walked away, that night you walked home from Nancys, you need to understand that one person can only take so much shit till they leave. I'm done with you.  
Well, as for this new guy. I hope this is finally something which will make me happy. I've never had much luck with relationships. But I honestly have a good feeling here. I think. But we'll see. I just hope he sticks around to find out i'm a nice enough person when I want to be. I hope I'm good enough this time.
♥